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Am I accepting / conceding / punishing?

5 replies

ThatCurlyGirl · 20/08/2019 16:12

Disclaimer: Im so sorry for the ramble but feeling low today.

I was anorexic when younger and have since put on 3 stone, partly by learning to actually eat again (I was living on drugs and booze before tbh despite coming across very capable and running my own business) and partly due to a very serious accident that has left me physically much less able - though this is improving as time goes on.

I am now about 10.5 stone and know that technically it's a healthy weight (I think) for my height - around 5'7". But I was always around 7-8 stone before.

I know (or think at least) that I'm not lots overweight on paper, I am really unhappy at this weight when I see myself and do not feel myself at all. I've lost all of my identity. I would love to reach a mid point again.

I'm so confused - some days I feel like I should take control and make myself happier by eating less, but as soon as I lose weight I think oh well I can always lose it again and then eat more. I also love now having boobs and bum but struggle with the lack of control that goes alongside having the other wobbly bits I've gained for the first time.

Some days I affectionately love my big scar from the accident and see it as a reminder I'm a survivor, a kind of badge of honour. Other days I hate it, especially when people mention it negatively or whisper about it.

I don't even know what my question is - I guess it's should I accept I'm not going to be thinner if I want to eat what I am now, and therefore work on eating what I am now and that it ISNT actually too much food, just normal?

Or should I try to eat less because it will make me happier with my body, but then I'll still preoccupied with food?

Is it normal to feel like you're denying yourself if you don't eat what you like, even if you're eating a healthy amount?

Has anybody else had anorexia in the past and after recovery struggled to accept their new body even though it's actually healthy? Will I ever not be preoccupied with the loss of control?

I am so sorry for rambling just have a really full head today and would love to hear from anyone who has gone through a similar shift in lifestyle.

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fishonabicycle · 21/08/2019 16:30

Have you thought about doing some weight training to improve your general shape? Sort of move away from the dieting idea for a bit ...

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BIWI · 21/08/2019 16:34

It sounds to me like you need some sort of counselling to deal with the anorexia. It doesn't sound like you've escaped its 'clutches', IYSWIM.

Could you go and talk to your GP about this? I don't think this is just a shift in lifestyle, I think this is about working out in your head what's 'right' for you and your health.

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ThatCurlyGirl · 21/08/2019 17:29

Thank you both so much for replying I really appreciate it.

@fishonabicycle I think you're right, I need to start understanding health in a broader sense aside from just the amount I do / don't eat. I did ballet pretty seriously as a kid and teen and the expectations of that definitely contributed to me not eating properly for a long time.

I need to find a type of exercise that is genuinely good for me and also try not to jump in too deep and get obsessive - I know if I get results quickly I'm at risk of relapsing by going hell for leather.

Something like weight training is a great idea, maybe I could have a PT session to start and ask how I can adapt some workouts that my body can cope with post injury. In the crash I shattered my arm (metal now) and it's set awkwardly so won't be getting full function back and also had some brain damage so epilepsy to contend with too - joy!

Thank you for a great idea with the weight training, I'll give it a go in the next few weeks and make sure it's supervised so I don't hurt myself more.

@BIWI you're absolutely right there, I've had such a lot to contend in the last few years that I'm working my way through things in counselling.

Anorexia takes hold of people like me who are control freaks and I think the accident has caused such a loss of control that I'm at risk of relapsing in order to regain some control again.

Thanks so much again for replying, I'll ask my counsellor this week if we can focus on this issue as a priority as it has such far reaching effects.

Sorry again for being rambly, I'm still getting used to having a new jumbled up brain! Thanks

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ThatCurlyGirl · 21/08/2019 17:32

Thinking more about what you've said @BIWI I just thought shit, even the fact I've posted this in 'weight loss chat' instead of anything to do with mental health or illness is very telling.

It's made me realise how much I'm still in the clutches even if I'm not starving myself any more. Lots to think about, thank you again Thanks

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BIWI · 21/08/2019 17:54

Good luck. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with there Flowers

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