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Sick of self sabotage

(80 Posts)
NGC2017 Mon 06-May-19 21:05:56

A few months back, after years of dreadful binge eating I decided to calorie count to take control back. I didn't change what I ate but massively reduced the calorie intake. That was the starting point anyway. I did well. Lost 10lbs. A few bumps in the road but in all felt great that I was doing it. Like I couldn't believe I was actually sticking to it.

Then Easter came and I got ill and the last 3 weeks have been shit.
I've just grabbed any crap I can without a care in the world. Well, that's a lie as I am writing this feeling like absolute shit, mentally, and physically.
I'm not overweight. But clothes are getting uncomfortably tight and I'm getting more lumps and bumps and noticeably more shapely. Me and my son did some silly exercising as he called it earlier. It was fun, but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was horrified by my stomach.

I'm now lying here beating myself up. Self sabotage is the worst.

I'm starting to think the hardest part of weight loss is finding a new mindset. Maybe I need to work on my thoughts and relationship with food before I commit myself to starting any kind of plan?

I don't want to be thin. My main goal is to just be happy in my skin. And that doesn't have to be smaller than I am now, as much as that probably doesn't make any sense at all. I want a healthy relationship with my body as that is far more important than being thin.

But breaking this cycle is so so hard. 😢

OP’s posts: |
chocolatespiders Tue 07-May-19 10:45:37

Whats today looking like? Have you got some good meals planned?

NGC2017 Tue 07-May-19 17:17:15

I think that's my problem. Nothing is ever planned. I'm so busy that I pick.
I didn't eat today until 1.30. Shredded Wheat. I then came home and ate a bag of crisps, 2 biscuits and 3 mini brownies. I eat them and wonder why I did it.
I really do need to sort myself out

OP’s posts: |
chocolatespiders Wed 08-May-19 16:33:34

Definitely try and plan some meals it really does help so you don't get to the stage where you are hungry and then just grab things.

Ellabella989 Wed 08-May-19 16:40:21

I’m good at planning healthy meals but I’m terrible for snacking in between even when I’m not hungry. Even on the weeks I don’t buy any junk for the house i’ll end up walking to the supermarket by my house and getting some chocolate or crisps. I think part of it is boredom for me as on the days I’m very busy and distracted I don’t really snack

NGC2017 Wed 08-May-19 16:59:24

Thanks guys. Planning js definitely my downfall. And it's annoying as it's something I enjoy. When I cook meals I feel great. But it's the needless snacking. It's got to stop

OP’s posts: |
NGC2017 Wed 08-May-19 21:47:21

It's been a better day today, mind you its probably because its been so full on. Super busy at work, school run and ds swimming lesson. So I've not really had any times of boredom, which I know is the area I struggle. I always seem to turn to food!

I'm also going to plan better. And try and eat 3 meals a day instead of nothing until 1.30pm or even later!

I used to be a real gym junkie. I loved it prior to my DS. I tried to get back into it when he was 18 months. I found my love for exercise all over again but I ended up giving it up as I felt guilty going to work all day to spend 3 or 4 evenings in the gym. Ive recently been desperate to kick myself up the arse and rejoin, but I have no childcare option now due to the working pattern of my parents so I wouldnt actually be able to go.
We have a holiday in August, so I have just over 3 months to get myself into a better shape and fitness. I've decided to give Jillian Michaels Dvds a go at home. I'm hoping I will enjoy these and remain motivated with it. I was doing some exercise with my son the other night and I still ache a little now, and it just make me realise doing it at home may be what works best for me now

OP’s posts: |
chocolatespiders Thu 09-May-19 10:30:26

Leslie Sansone has some great walking videos on You tube if you fancy trying them.

NGC2017 Thu 09-May-19 19:56:23

@chocolatespiders thank you. I'm going to take a look now

OP’s posts: |
Tunnockswafer Fri 10-May-19 21:13:35

I overeat Op, well have done so for years. I’m only 7 weeks into a new system and so far it’s working - my mindset seems to have changed. I haven’t followed a diet (am calorie counting though and exercising) but my motivation came from a book called “Atomic Habits” which someone recommended on here. It’s helped me make small changes but actually stick to them. He talks about the system not the goals - if you are too goal driven it’s easy to give up either when you achieve it or when you don’t achieve it. The book says everything you do is a vote for the person you want to be. I’ve lost some weight but best thing is I haven’t binged in almost 2 months. Good luck

Mammatino Fri 10-May-19 21:24:13

I understand. I woke up with a cold and felt really sorry for myself... So I ate a packet of custard creams. Tomorrow I will be back to healthy eating, I usually stick to a meal plan. I also know I am a grazer and the more I think I shouldn't eat it, the more of it I eat. So I keep little bags of those drumstick squashies for a sugar fix, salt and vinegar rice cakes/chocolate covered ones. I also pre make a cake or flapjacks on a Sunday, made with GL flour, honey and sweeteners, so I can just tear a chunk off and ram it down my gullet. Eat healthy, don't eat diet food it will put you off. Don't be mean to yourself, tomorrow is another day. Good luck.

NGC2017 Fri 10-May-19 21:46:26

Thanks guys. There's more people like me then... Hallelujah in the nicest way.
It's the worst isn't it. I'm sick of it now.
I too am full of cold. I feel terrible. Ate very little until 3pm and have just picked at shit since. We'll if I am being honest I've overpicked (as usual :-() and I now feel shit about that too. As i am doing it I am often screaming at myself what are you doing. I don't even want to eat sometimes but continue.

I don't think any diet will help me. I have to work on myself and the way my mind works. I want to be able to eat the cake and enjoy it, but know that a slice is enough. I want to have the attitude 'everything in moderation' but actually follow it! The binge mentality consumes me. I make excuses that I haven't eaten all day so it doesn't matter, when really i should be angry at myself for not feeding my body right in the first place.

Weight Loss would be a bonus for me but its not essential. Clothes are getting very snug so of course losing a few lbs would be welcome. But the effect on me mentally is what I am finding hard. I am so ashamed of myself. I get serious health anxiety but am feeding my body shit. No wonder i feel so crappy all the time and my body is broke at times.
I don't care if I am meant to be larger (if I ate properly) but how dare I be upset at my expanding waistline and thighs and arse when I am doing it to myself.

I really am my own worst enemy

OP’s posts: |
FaithInfinity Fri 10-May-19 23:52:28

Oh I am so with you! I caught sight of myself in a full length mirror today and I was horrified! I am a binge eater. This started when I was put on a diet at about 9 years old. I’ve never really stopped for long. I’ve done WW twice, SW once - the latter was better, I lost 3 stone and got to a ‘healthy’ weight for the first time in 3 years but I got ill, started comfort eating and I’ve piled it all back on.

The only thing that’s really helped me and that isn’t a fad diet is Brain over binge by Kathryn Hansen, there’s a book and a podcast. I feel more enthused about stopping when I read/ listen but I struggle to keep it up long term. I have to do something though. I’m obese, I’m ill, I suspect it’s a vicious cycle with them both. So I’m going to start over, focusing simply on eating filling meals, increasing my protein intake and reducing my carbs (eating carb heavy increases the urges) and starting some gentle exercise. Want to work on it together?

NGC2017 Sat 11-May-19 07:06:56

@FaithInfinity that would be perfect. Thank you.
I sometimes feel like a fraud when I moan as I am not obese. I'm amazed the way I have eaten for years that I'm not to be honest!
But binge eating doesn't have to be only an overweight person's problem.

I've never been massive. But the last 18 months I can see I look thicker, but unhealthily thick. I wouldn't mind thick lean muscles lol! My thighs have gained 3 inches each. I have fat knees and calfs. I am covered in cellulite. I now have overhang and bulge on my back and stomach. So though I am not obviously big (but then again I walk around in oversized tops or a hoody to hide myself), I know I'm looking alot bigger than I am used to, but most of all I am looking like I don't give a shit. It's clear I'm not eating well.

But I've always had this problem. I come from a family of overweight women. Short, (now I seem to have have missed that), but overweight women. My mom is around 12 stone which I know isn't a great weight, but she is large. My sister lost 6 stone on SW, but she is an extremely competitive individual so every week was losing stupid amounts just to be the best. I couldn't tolerate her at times with it as she didn't follow it right. She would follow it and 3 days before weigh in starve herself, so i felt she was a bit of a fraud. She has gained back about a stone, which she needed to, but she has kept it off because she is a very obsessive person. She will easily starve herself or not buy shopping for the house if her weight starts to creep. She still admits her struggles with binging. But I won't starve myself now. I have once been an anorexic in my teens. One fat thighs comment just did it for me. I have battled since my teens. Around 3 to 4 years of starving myself and the day a doctor warned me that i could make myself infertile, I started binging. It scared the shit out of me. My periods had stopped, my hair was falling out, I was white as a sheet. I didn't ever want kids then but that was my choice, not because I wasn't able to. Because I couldn't shake the binging I then became obsessed with the gym. So I was basically a lean fat greedy person. Then I had my beautiful DS and it was so important for me to start having a better relationship with food for his sake. I've failed. Badly. And last night he even asked me 'why have you ate so much chocolate tonight mommy'. I hate myself, as he is now turning down meals in favour of picking at bad stuff. Or he will have few mouthfuls of dinner, says his full the then within minutes asking for ice cream or cake.

My sister is maintaining her 9st but boosting about it in a way and rubbing it in my face when she knows I am struggling. I was over 10 stone. Was buzzing as I got down to 9 and a half stone through controlling the binging. But then I plateaued and then got myself back to over 10 stone.
Anyway, we have ALL struggled with binge eating. And thats why our bodies were/are the shape they are.

My battle isn't the number of the scales, it's with my own mind. I am desperate for a healthy relationship with food. I absolutely hate the way I unnecessarily gorge. But for example I can eat one square of chocolate and i am fucked. I become possessed and just downward spiral out of control fast telling myself 'oh well there's always tomorrow' but when tomorrow comes and I'm having to jump in and fight my way into my trousers to get them on I feel fucking horrendous about myself.
I may not be physically overweight but my mind is stuck thinking that way. I am not critical of anyone's body shape, be it slim or big, I am only critical of my own. I absolutely love the likes of Megan Jane Crabbe, Celeste Barber, Tova Leigh and the Knee Deep in Life lady. They have me in stitches and I admire their relationships with their body and that they don't give a fuck about being wobbly or showing rolls and cellulite. They give a powerful message to LOVE YOURSELF, but I can't because I am so ashamed of the amount of control food has over me. I hate lack of control (in a good way, I'm not pushy or anything to others) and food well and truly controls me sad

I am stuck sad

OP’s posts: |
FaithInfinity Sat 11-May-19 07:49:05

I hear you! Lots of what you said resonates. I’ve never really starved - I would say I binge/purge but rather than daily like binge at night, purge the next day (say by starving for a day or hitting the gym hard) I’ll binge for months, then purge on low cal diets for months and do loads of exercise. Then old habits slip back in.

Please do read Brain over binge. Kathryn is a recovered bulimic. Her weight issues sound similar to yours - I don’t think she ever got massively overweight but she was very unhealthy. She tried loads of therapy and it never helped her stop. She did her own research and managed to stop by herself. The book isn’t too long anyway but the podcasts are about 10-15 minutes long so easy to fit in.

I’ve been in a downward spiral - I had a chest infection in February and straight after I got weird altered sensation and pain in my neck. Now I have swollen legs and arms. I’ve got bulging (‘slipped’) discs in my neck and I’m waiting on blood tests. The problem is my two real outlets for managing my mental health are running and crochet. I haven’t dared run with this going on and I can’t crochet because of the altered sensation. So I’ve eaten instead. My plan is to try to simply walk a bit further on the way home on school runs and maybe try to gentle yoga. This should help to shift the balance and resist the temptation to buy binge foods from the shops!
Drastic changes aren’t to my benefit in the long term, so I’m hoping this will help.

raisinsraisins Sat 11-May-19 10:53:11

I’m in a good mindset at the moment but this thread resonates with me. If any of you are on instagram, then intuitive.dietition.kosher is a good one to follow

NGC2017 Sat 11-May-19 11:23:10

@FaithInfinity gosh you aren't having the best time are you. It sounds like you are very uncomfortable. And it's just typical that your 2 things you are unable to do. For the last 18 months I've suffered with chronic exhaustion. It's not realistic me saying I have absolutely zero energy but I swear I am not far off. I am so exhausted I often cry wishing time away so I can sleep. And even tho I sleep I wake up the next day to feel the same all over again. That's made me reach from easy food and pick. And because I feel so shit I've given up caring, but I actually do care.
Binge eating controls me. I used to joke about the amount I can eat. Now I don't mention it as I know its shameful and so unnecessary. I'm definitely going to have to do some reading.
I don't feel therapy will help me either. I need to do this myself. But I want to be able to still enjoy treats just not abuse them. It would be easiest just cutting everything out but I don't think that's the answer or right. It would also make me sad to think that I can't have a ice cream with my son in the park, or that he sees me restricting everything. It's not setting the right example to him if that makes sense?

Thank you @raisinsraisins I will check it out. Well done for maintaining this new mindset. I'm a little jealous that I can't currently overcome my struggles.

OP’s posts: |
FaithInfinity Sat 11-May-19 12:08:13

Yes it’s been a rough few months. I had steroids when I had the chest infection which may have contributed. But I’m hoping my blood results will show something. Regardless, I need to stop wallowing in self-pity. In the past when I have radically reduced my sugar intake I’ve felt loads better so it’s time. I know what you mean about it controlling you, I’m hoping to take that control back.

This morning I chose to have a banana instead of eating tonnes of processed crap. It’s a start.

NGC2017 Sat 11-May-19 12:27:25

I've had some wholemeal toast for now. I'm pretty busy today but it's the nights I struggle with

OP’s posts: |
FaithInfinity Sat 11-May-19 20:44:52

How are you doing?

I am very proud of myself. I have not binged today smile I had part of a Nature Valley bar (shared with DD) but that was my only sugary snack. I had pizza and garlic bread for dinner. I deliberately removed one quarter of the pizza before I sat down to eat and added salad. I only ate half the pizza in total smile I just keep telling myself to resist for today. As it says in Brain over binge ‘I am just a person experiencing a binge urge. I can recognise it for what it is and choose not to do it’.

SolitudeAtAltitude Sat 11-May-19 21:12:24

FWIW, two biscuits and 3 mini brownies does not equate "binging" to me

Also, you are not overweight

So that's all good. You can just tweak.your habits a bit without getting overly worried, or comparing yourself to your sister wink

Fatted Sat 11-May-19 21:21:47

OP, I'm not surprised that you want to binge eat if you're going half the day without eating! Your body wants to make up for starving all day.

I'd really recommend the book intuitive eating. There's another one going round at the moment, something like have your cake and skinny jeans. I think they'd both be helpful for you. They're about making peace with your body and getting healthier eating habits. They have really helped me. I'm not going to lie, I'm still overweight. I still follow a particular diet club to lose weight. But I have a much more sensible approach to it all now.

NGC2017 Sat 11-May-19 21:23:35

That's fab well done. You must feel good.

I've been really busy today. Rushing around and then cleaned the car.

But in terms of eating I've ate 2 slices of wholemeal toast. 2 yogurt breakfast Biscuits and then a chicken biriyani. It was a takeaway as staying with my parents, however I don't eat the sauce it comes with and when i emptied it in to a bowl I was horrified by how much there was lol. I ate about a third and felt stuffed. These last few months I've felt uncomfortable eating very carby foods. So bread, pasta and rice etc it is quite uncomfortable when swallowing them. Like I get instant heartburn. It's been strange.

And now I'm ready for bed lol. But I've ate a lot less.... Yay

OP’s posts: |
NGC2017 Sat 11-May-19 21:40:11

Trust me I know what a binge is. A loaf of bread, 8 bags of crisps, chocolate, biscuits, and ice cream all in one sitting. So no 2 biscuits and 3 mini brownies may not equate to a binge but later that night it did!

OP’s posts: |
NGC2017 Sun 12-May-19 07:12:40

So I've woken up feeling crap. Feels like my heads being crushed. I'm so congested. Probably why my appetite was so little yesterday.... I hate being ill!!!

When I was getting changed last night I had a good look at myself in the mirror. To my amazement I am not really ashamed of my body. I am naturally not skinny, I am smallish up top (though it has grown) and I have always had a thicker lower body. The part I do hate though is I have these huge saddlebags that make my body look so out of proportion. They go out from my hips in quite a dramatic way. It looks like they have just been stuck on!

Anyway, it made me realise my battle isn't with my body shape its with my mind and relationship with food. A binge does escalate from getting a taste of a cake or some crisps. Then I just spiral. I will never be that woman who cuts everything out. But 1 helping is enough. Why do I need to feed myself 8 bags of crisps, 3 ice creams, 4 chocolate bars, a pack of biscuits in one go? I don't! I'm not saying I eat this all in one sitting, but I will for example eat the same kind of food all on one go. Whether I eat everything together, which does happen as mixing the different foods makes my tummy agony, or give myself a break and then consume another load of food, I am still easily eating in excess of 3000 to 4000 calories!

Today I am definitely going to be feeling sorry for myself (I really do hate being ill) and looking up these books and help I've been advised on here.

Thank you again xx

OP’s posts: |

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