Binge Eating Accountability Thread

[LittleMissPlump]

I really hope nobody will mind if I start a thread about Binge Eating Disorder here. It is making me so so miserable - I feel like I’m living half a life and it’s taking me away from my children and husband. I’m hoping that if I can record my thoughts and actions here then perhaps it will help me to make better choices or help me understand why I am doing this to myself. Please feel free to ignore me/give me a hand hold or give me some advice. I’m very interested to hear from fellow sufferers and people who’ve managed to break free from this eating disorder.

[LittleMissPlump]

So today hasn’t been great - woke up properly craving jelly beans. Didn’t even try any of the advice I’ve been reading about in Brain over Binge - just went out and bought 2 family sharing packs and ate them back to back and a packet of mince pies for good measure. I don’t even like mince pies... am really disappointed that I haven’t had a light-bulb moment after reading Brain over Binge (B.O.B) I’ve read that many people learn to ‘switch off’ their cravings almost immediately and I’m gutted that I haven’t been able to do the same. One thing that I might try tomorrow that BOB recommends is writing a daily food plan but it must be over 2,000 cals as it’s not a restrictive diet plan. That scares the hell out of me which is so ridiculous as I’ve eaten way over 2,000 today!!!! I hate my stupid stupid brain!!

[Babyg1995]

I have that book didn't have a light bulb moment either I'm now restricting very low most days so I'm down to 9 stone but when my period is due I binge for two days straight that on top of the fluid retention I gain up to 10lbs it's horrible I don't binge as much as I used to but I've noticed I'm now obsessed with restricting 🙁

[LittleMissPlump]

Thanks for taking the time to post Babyg1995 and I’m sorry that you’re in a similar place. However, I think you should feel proud that you’re managing to not binge as often as you were. Can I ask how you’ve done this and what strategies are working for you? I’m really struggling with the concept of not restricting either as I’m a very ‘all or nothing’ person. Once I allow myself something ‘forbidden’, I can’t seem to stop! But that’s probably due to restricting myself for over 20 years! Definitely going to plan my foods today as the book suggests. One day at a time - I’m not going to binge or restrict today!

[LittleMissPlump]

Go far so good this morning... well it is only 10:49 am! But woke up without cravings and did a little exercise. Tried hard to quash the negative voice inside from commenting on the state of my body whilst getting dressed but I haven’t managed to eat breakfast yet. I know I should but it feels wrong to eat when I’m not hungry so I’ll make up for it by having a good lunch and a snack before if I start to feel hungry. Am terribly scared to go down the non-restricting road as advised in Brain over Binge. Oh well, one day at a time and I am proud that I’ve exercised today as I usually find it very hard to find the motivation!

[LittleMissPlump]

A good day... I got things done and I spent some lovely time with my children. I’ve eaten adequately in that I don’t feel hungry - I had cheese on toast for tea which i wouldn’t normally eat. I haven’t eaten as many calories that Kathryn Hansen recommends but then I did overeat significantly yesterday so I’m probably still digesting those! Have treated myself to a pair or gorgeous fluffy and soft pyjamas in a bid to be kind to myself.

[Bluntness100]

Well done op, one day at a time, maybe even one hour, or one min, but you sound determined, knowledgeable and intelligent, so you can conquer this.

[FashionFoodLaughs]

Like with any addiction take it a day or even an hour at a time. This time of year is such a trigger for my bingeing so I feel your pain I feel so ashamed after eating “healthily” in front of my DH then nipping to the supermarket and inhaling family packs of chocolate and sweets in the car. What’s working for me is eating a bit more at mealtimes so last night I had garlic bread with my spaghetti bol. Feeling that bit fuller and keeping busy helps I think but I know it’s different for everyone. I now need to lose a bit of weight as all my clothes are a bit tight so keeping food the same but upping exercise, fingers crossed! Good luck on your journey and keep posting x

[StrugglingOn13]

Hi OP,

I’ve not got BED but I do suffer with anorexia with binge/purge (exercise) tendencies which is my official diagnosis.... so I do know exactly how you feel emotionally

I’m currently going through recovery, it’s so hard but I do have a lot of advice and methods I’ve learnt in therapy that I’d happily share?

My number one was to make a list of reasons that I wanted to stop, and I’ve saved it in the notes on my phone so it’s always there when my head takes overs being restrictive eating or a binge

My second was to check every thought I have. Is it actually my thought? Or is it my disorders thought? I honestly find it really helps me stop and assess how I feel because at the end of it is it’s a mental health problem

Always here if you need a hand hold or advice

[LittleMissPlump]

Ah thanks so much for posting guys, I’m so grateful for the support! What you said Bluntness100 about taking it an hour at a time is great advice especially when dealing with the urge to binge. Unfortunately I’m not yet able to disassociate my true thoughts from my disordered thoughts yet but that’s good advice from StrugglingOn13 and I’m going to really try to distinguish between the two when I feel I want to binge. Thanks also FashionFoodLaughs I’m trying to eat more and particularly for my evening meal as that’s when I’m most likely to binge. It’s hard though because as soon as I do stop restricting, I feel like I’ve ‘failed’ and then just go and binge. I’ve got a long road ahead of me but I’ve actually had another lovely day. I exercised, without using it as a means of purging or punishing myself. I ate out for lunch and had a large drink in Costa - something I never do when restricting. I’m putting myself to bed early as I often get the ‘back to work wobbles’ on a Sunday night and eat whatever I can find. Not tonight- I deserve better! Thanks again all!

[Babyg1995]

I'm also an all or nothing person what stood me doing it is the thought of feeling horrendous guilt shame and anger after a binge. I used to purge but I'm actually terrified to do that now watched a documentary on it never again so knowing I can't get rid of it helps and the next day I would be a bloated and puffy I only have the urge to binge just before my period now but Xmas is scaring me being around so much food not to mention the gifted chocolate.

[StrugglingOn13]

Oh @Babyg1995 you should never beat yourself up so much after a binge and you shouldn’t shame yourself! Binges happen and the fact you’re fighting it means so much

People who haven’t been there just can’t understand that emotional torture it causes. I had a terrible binge on Friday night/Saturday morning and it was so bad I made myself ill because my stomach wasn’t used to the food I fed it. I’m trying to use those feelings to stop it happening again now. I’ve downloaded a streak app though which reminds me each day if I haven’t binged or restricted though

@LittleMissPlump trying to eat proper set meals regularly through the day will really help, it’s about breaking that binge/purge/restrict cycle that takes hold. You can definitely do this! Remember that there isn’t such a thing as failing, because you haven’t failed. Self compassion is another thing I’m being taught in recovery. For example, if a loved one came to you with the same problem how would you speak to them or advise them? I bet you wouldn’t tell them they’ve failed and that one bag of sweets makes them a failiure? Or that they need to go exercise it all off because they’ve ‘failed’. It’s another tactic that really works and helps keep me out of that cycle

[NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound]

I'm overweight but have BED, diagnosed by my GP. And I hate myself for it I consistently overeat for no reason other than it's the only way to stop my brain screaming. I also have OCD and a lot of my compulsions include food. Today I ate 2 pork chops and oven chips with peas and gravy, then beef in black pepper with boiled rice (half portion) and king prawn chow mein and 2 spoonfuls of cadburys chocolate spread. I wasn't even hungry but my brain was screaming at me to eat them and eat them now. Problem is because I'm overweight no one takes it seriously because I'm "not hurting myself", I'd argue putting on more and more weight because I have a problem is hurting myself. I bought myself a popcorn machine because that way I have access to healthy low fat things I can eat when compulsions become too much but because it's late and my machine is loud I can't make any or I'd wake my housemates.

[NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound]

Tomorrow I'll be having honey maple porridge and two low calorie sandwiches because I'll need to eat but I won't want to or need the additional calories.

[LittleMissPlump]

Yes, Namechange I experience the same ‘brain screaming’ that you talk about. It’s so overwhelming but I’ve never been able to look at it as anything other than my real brain and thoughts. Stupid as it sounds I feel as if I’m ‘missing out’ if I don’t binge. Well there’s never really been a ‘what if I don’t binge’ moment as it’s too uncomfortable to experience... but I’m going to try. It’s such a headfuck because in the moment binging seems like the biggest act of self care I can do for myself but afterwards and even during a binge I can see that I’m self harming in the worst way possible as I’m damaging my self worth so much. I’ve woken up an hour early feeling anxious about work but I’ve used MyFitnessPal to plan what I’m going to eat as I have a tendency to not eat all day at work as it’s easier not to. But then I binge at home having fixated on something I perceive that I’ve ‘done wrong’ during the day. I’ve planned a light breakfast smoothie as I find eating breakfast early very hard but I’m sure that will get easier. I’ve also planned a snack of granola which is something I don’t eat unless I’m having a binge. I’m planning on having chicken pie for tea which I’m looking forward to as pastry is definitely not something I eat regularly. I’m determined to have a nice day and to try not to get too stressed at work or take anything to personally. I’m not going to binge today. Thanks again for al the advice and all who’ve taken the time to post, it really does make me feel less alone.

[Hairytangerine]

You are my people! Reading these posts was like reading about me. Diagnosis of non purging bulimia. Recently went through 12 week treatment programme and at the end the therapist felt I just wasn’t ready to stop binging. I have been binging and restricting for 20 odd years and I just don’t know if it will ever stop.

Worked through the Fairburn book and tried structured meals but every time I ate anything with sugar in my head screamed and obsession set in to eat more, more, more.

I have no idea what it is going to take for me to stop. I hate it

[NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound]

It sucks as a situation because eating disorders run in my family. My oldest sister is a binge/secret eater, the next one is anorexic, the middle one is fine just struggles with managing her weight and the other one has bulimia, then there's me. My issues with food, really started with food restriction when I lost my dad as a child refused to eat as a control measure. Since then I've been binging and purging on and off for the past 13 almost 14 years.

I just want to be healthy, I want to lose weight, follow a healthy REGULAR diet and eating pattern and be comfortable in my own skin and able to stop my brain screaming and fixating on foods.

I get what you mean with the feeling of missing out @LittleMissPlump. I have autism and my brain will fixate and fixate and then I'll not be able to do anything until I've done it and I've not yet managed to deal with that yet.

[Hairytangerine]

How we all doing? I had bad binged over the weekend so am doing a low carb day. Not ideal and disordered but I can’t get any bigger! I am off work sick (long story) and pretty worried about this but trying to stay positive, have friends coming over for the day. Made them chilli and cake but I will be sticking to eggs and meat.

Have a good day and try to be nice to yourself x

[StrugglingOn13]

Had a terrible night on Friday and exercised so badly all weekend

Starting a new attempt at recovery from this hell from yesterday. I generally binge because of extreme hunger after the exercise I do as I’m a long distance runner (happily before this took over) so I’m trying to eat more regularly and properly

How are you doing?

[Hairytangerine]

Tell me about your running? I’m just starting, can do 5k and 20k but very slow. Just trying to get used to running three times a week. I’ve just had scrambled egg and cheese and feel full and satisfied. I have friends over so I can’t eat rubbish as I would be so embarrassed to binge in front of them. What you going today?

[StrugglingOn13]

Yeah sure, I started with the C25K in 2015, finally stuck with it and lost 5 stone, ran my first half in March 2016, a marathon in 2017 and now I just run to enjoy it when I can. It’s a double edged sword for me though as I do it too the extreme in relation to my food. If it’s something you can keep a healthy relationship with then it’s so worth sticking with through the difficult parts at the start! It’s great for my mental health when I’m stressed and upset

Distraction is such a good way to stop a binge, hope your time with your friends was good. I’ve been at work today, so busy it’s stops all food thoughts which is great!

[LittleMissPlump]

Hope everyone’s had a good day?! I’ve eaten adequately and for once haven’t gone without food all day at work. It’s a good start. I’m too tired tonight to write much more but I’m starting to think that my binges are related to how inadequate I feel at work. I’ll think about that more when I can keep my eyes open! Really can’t express how much it means to have had so much support and really hope we can continue to support each other. Night all and thanks again.

[Hairytangerine]

Ooh what got deleted. I’ve had a nightmare day, was ok till 11am then practically fell into the cake and chilli I had made my friends then it started loads of crisps, sweets. Going upstairs with chocolate snuck in my pockets to shove in my mouth.

Then tonight went out to a dessert bar then tesconfor loads of rubbish, kids loved it! Arghhh tomorrow feel awful, fatnand hate myself. Collapsed in bed, not brushed teeth, feel awful! Xxxx

[StrugglingOn13]

LittleMissPlump it probably is connected! I always struggle more when I’m being self critical or in an environment that causes me to question my self worth

Hairytangerine You’re not fat, awful and you shouldn’t hate yourself for being human. If your friend came to you and told you the same thing would you respond with that? You’d never speak to someone you care about like that so you shouldn’t speak to yourself like that you can do this, you really can! My self criticism drives my terrible relationship with food so I totally understand how you feel 😔

Funny you should say about collapsing in bed not even brushing your teeth, one of my new aims from last week was to always make sure I’d showered and brushed my teeth before bed as a self care thing xx

[Hairytangerine]

Struggling thank you. Just seen about your running. That’s amazing. I’m just at the point where I can do a few 5ks and odd 10k as long as flat! Where I live very hilly so our running club is normally based around hills who I puff and pant my way up! I was meant to be doing a half in October but I was scheduled to have an operation so deferred it then operation got cancelled! So I ideally want a half for early next year.

Good work keeps you distracted. I’m at the point where I could eat through anything!

Low carb day today for me, fingers crossed. Listening to podcasts to power me through.