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Please please help me.

(17 Posts)
FatAndDesperatelyHopeless Sun 03-Dec-17 14:32:48

Due to childhood trauma (according to the therapist anyway) I've been overweight my whole life.
I'm now almost 40, have four wonderful children although three of them have special needs, two severe and am very happily married for 17 years.

I'm now the biggest I've ever been. I'm not talking just a few stone.
I'm super morbidly obese with a bmi of 54.

Ive tried every diet under the sun, seen diatitians, tried medication, starved myself with shakes, joined clubs etc etc.

I'm struggling to stick with anything because it seems like it's going to take me forever and is such a mammoth task.

I have social anxiety because I just can't leave the house looking like such a disgusting monster. So I stay home and only go out if it's an emergency (children's therapies or doctors etc)
I've had all the tests done and about 9 months ago discovered that I've had an under active thyroid which has been left untreated for years. I'm on medication for that now though and I'm not going to use that as an excuse because you don't get to my size because of an under active thyroid.

I know people are disgusted by me and just can't bare to show myself in public.
I hate myself and am sickened by what I look like, literally dripping in fat.

DH tries to help, tells me I'm beautiful etc but I know it's bullshit.

I don't even know why I'm posting here, nobody can help me, I can't even help myself.
I'm so bloody greedy and too huge to even move without being in pain so what hope to I have of ever getting fit?

I know exactly what I should be doing so why can't I do it?

Everything else I can fight for (help for the children, therapies, special equipment they need etc) but when it comes to this one issue I just have no willpower at all.

If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it, I'm at such a loss now.

Sorry for moaning and the pity party, please don't be too harsh, there's nothing anyone can call me or say about me that I haven't already said myself repeatedly.
Thank you x

FatAndDesperatelyHopeless Sun 03-Dec-17 14:34:36

Seems I also can't spell dietitian blush

TanginaBarrons Sun 03-Dec-17 14:38:16

That's a very sad post - you sound lovely and as if you have made great successes out of your relationships, so please don't be so hard on yourself. Low self-esteem sucks.

You sound as if you have an eating disorder. If you look at it in this way, then maybe you can start to see past the self hatred and stop calling yourself greedy.

Having been very overweight, the only thing that has helped me is giving up sugar and abandoning diets. It's literally been like being unchained from a beast - I eat anything else I want and pre-pregnancy lost tons of weight very slowly and felt more clear in the head and less obsessive about food than I have my entire life. It sounds like some kind of talking therapy could be helpful too.

Please don't resign yourself to feeling this forever.

Eolian Sun 03-Dec-17 14:45:53

flowers Stop trying extreme diets and food replacement. It's impossible (for pretty much anyone!) to stick to long-term and will only make you feel like a failure, which will make you turn back to food to comfort you.

Pick a couple of bad food habits you have that you could change, and focus on changing those. Nothing else at first. Try not to even think about what else you're eating. Make those changes into a solid habit until you just accept them. Then maybe add another.

Promise yourself you will get some exercise once you lose X pounds (not too many!). Start walking around the block (after dark if you feel too self-conscious). When it feels easier, go a little further.

Your biggest enemy is the 'all or nothing' mentality which makes you think only a starvation diet will work because ypu have so much weight to lose. Not true. Any consistent step in the right direction, however small, will start making a difference. The tortoise beat the hare!

ScreamingValenta Sun 03-Dec-17 14:47:18

flowers You're being too harsh with yourself. Your thyroid might not be responsible for all your weight gain, but it certainly won't have helped. Is the medication you're now on working?

I understand what you mean about being unable to stick to a diet because you have such a long way to go. You have to try to break down the weight loss into smaller goals and believe that with every half stone you lose, you will feel and look healthier - it might take two years to lose (e.g.) 10 stone, but after one year you would be 5 stone lighter.

Also, I doubt everyone who sees you thinks you are disgusting, etc. Most people are too concerned about their own shortcomings to focus on others' weight, and you can still be well-dressed and groomed at any size.

I am sure people will be along with good advice for specific diets and exercise. I find calorie counting and minimising sugar intake works best for me, but different things suit different people.

Wishing you success.

MidnightVelvetthe7th Sun 03-Dec-17 15:04:47

Be kind to yourself sweetheart smile

Forget all the diet shakes etc & find a sensible eating plan that you can stick to. I'd imagine you've already tried Slimming World or Weightwatchers, but maybe its worth another go as you can eat 'normal' food but it will re-educate you about portion sizes & how to think about food. You don't have to go to meetings, you can do it online although if your willpower needs a boost then meetings are good. Nobody there will judge there, I promise you, I used to help out at one & nobody thought any less of anybody else, as everyone was there for the same reason.

Start with baby steps, don't think about how many stones you have to lose, break it down more. Go for a walk (in the dark if you're self conscious) and make some dietary changes. Stop hating yourself, if I saw you right now I would not think you were disgusting, not dripping with fat. I would probably just see that you are sad.

From your post, it seems as though the overeating goes hand in hand with you hating yourself. Stop being so critical, go easy on yourself & start a manageable plan of eating plus very gentle exercise! Who cares what anyone else think of you when you're out on your walk, fuck them! Put your earphones in & ignore everyone else (I go running, also in the dark as I'm self conscious, I know what you are thinking smile ) As far as other people are concerned, its none of their business what you are doing.

Get your DH on board with you, shop online so you don't walk past all the food aisles, meal plan & have a list. You can do it smile xx

hevonbu Sun 03-Dec-17 15:25:22

I heard a radio program this morning, where some doctors were discussing the growing obesity problems and mentioned gastric bypass being one of few methods that would work with really obese people. What does your GP say? I also read an interesting story about ghrelin and leptin resistance, and that fructose seems to induce leptin resistance so I guess you might well have it in which case it's no longer up to you to decide, it's your hormones that are playing trick son you. You might want to google ghrelin and leptin resistance. Since you've tried all diets already, out of curiosity what did happen when you cut out all (or nearly all) carbo hydrates (especially sugar, white flour, all the white stuff)? Because of your weight I don't suppose you can exercise in any way apart from perhaps in a swimming pool (water takes the weight off as you know from lessons at school), maybe it can be arranged by your GP to get access to a suitable swimming pool where there are no onlookers. Having someone sew you a suitable suit is easy enough. I suppose your best option is to aim at lowering your bmi to a point where you can safely have a gastric bypass, whatever bmi that might be, and work from there. You don't need to get "fit" you only need to reach a healthier size. Anyway, compared to these people from the American show "My 600-lb Life" (see YouTube) you're comparatively slim! All the programs end with the patients meeting with an American doctor, maybe you could find out who he is and what he or people like him can do about your case.

AnotherOtter Sun 03-Dec-17 17:12:36

You wrote:
I'm struggling to stick with anything because it seems like it's going to take me forever and is such a mammoth task

You're right in that it is a big task but it won't take forever: it will take around three years to get to a normal BMI losing weight at a slow but steady rate of 1lb a week. Judging by this forum and the people I know in real life, it will be much faster than that at first so maybe two years. The time will go past whether you make changes or not. You don't have to know everything and do it all perfectly from the beginning. You can learn as you go.

One of my oldest friends was about fifty pounds heavier than you two years ago and she now weighs about 13 stone. She had a gastric bypass and it was tough but she believes it was worth it. That is an option for you but do your research and go into with your eyes open. I've gone from over 17 stone to under 13 stone with diet and exercise and it has been okay since I found a method that works for and, this is crucial, I got my mental health issues under control, particularly my binge eating disorder.

We all pay lip service to the idea of "I just turn to food for comfort" and how that's a bad thing but the most important thing is that there is a need for comfort and that need must be met in some way. So it sounds to me that you, like me, have to find other ways to comfort yourself. And it sounds like you have a fucking lot on your plate: 1. childhood trauma; 2. four kids; 3. three disabled kids and two severely; 4. a marriage to maintain; 5. severe social anxiety; 6. horrifically low self-esteem; 7. chronic pain; 8. hypothyroidism; and that's just from one short post! You are being phenomenally and unreasonably hard on yourself. Are you still seeing your therapist? Can you talk to them about how you "hate [yourself]"? You have fought for your children and you can fight for yourself. You deserve to have the life you want. It is possible for people to change their lives and it is possible for you. Good luck and you are welcome to join us on the "Anyone looking to lose 100lbs plus" https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weightlosss_chat/3045244-Anyone-looking-to-lose-100lbs-plus-in-2017-18-Part-3 thread. We are a friendly lot smile

FatAndDesperatelyHopeless Sun 03-Dec-17 20:04:53

Thank you so very much for all your kind words, I was prepared to be chastised but I'm looking at posts that contain so much warmth and support that I'm tearing up.

I think I probably do need to go to therapy for my self esteem (I've been in the past for childhood trauma and to cbt for anxiety and ocd but never for self esteem etc)

I want to eat healthy definitely but I don't think I could completely cut out sugar and definitely not carbs (I've tried many times and really hated it) but I know cutting carbs is probably what I need to do.
I just have terrible memories of Atkins!

I have such a sweet tooth too blush

The all or nothing mentally hit home also.

Thank you again everybody for posting, I'm going to re read this thread every time I'm feeling desperate.
x

JaneEyre70 Sun 03-Dec-17 20:14:09

3 years ago, I weighed 19 stone and felt horrific. I was in a size 24 clothes, I had to buy what fitted as opposed to what I liked and was generally really miserable. So I ate to make myself feel better and was trapped in a cycle of utter misery.
I had to go to the GP with a chest infection, and he ran some tests as I had sky high BP and was diabetic. Cue the lectures on weight loss, threats of medication etc. And I still couldn't do it.
I don't know what changed, it wasn't a lightbulb moment but somewhere deep inside I realised that I was going to end up 6 ft under if I didn't stop. It's been very gradual - I cut out sugary foods first, then started to make an effort not to snack. Now I watch carb content too and eat off a smaller plate. And I walk. Lots. Getting a hyperactive spaniel was a godsend for me, and I walk around 5 -6 miles a day. And love it. I'm now 15 stone, having lost 4 and I'm still going until I get to 12 stone, that's my target. I still have horrendous days where I can't stop eating, but they are rarities opposed to everyday.
Write yourself a small list of targets, and make them attainable. It feels great to acheive them, and spurs you on to make more. You can do it, in your own way and on your terms flowers.

RunFatGirlRuuuuuun Sun 03-Dec-17 20:16:27

Second gastric bypass, it works, and it's one of very few methods that will help keep the weight off

Fintons Sun 03-Dec-17 20:59:39

thanksop.

Have you looked in to the Gastric balloon procedure? It's far far lower risk than a gastric bypass as it's not an actual surgery.

http://www.obesitysurgerycentre.com/gastric-balloon.php?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIycaa1N3u1wIVCyjTCh2PyAxPEAAYAyAAEgJ-6PD_BwE

OurMiracle1106 Sun 03-Dec-17 21:03:49

First of all, don’t look at the end goal break it down into lots of tiny little goals.
- 30 Mins exercise 3 times a week.
- first half a stone lost
- then a stone
- upping the exercise. 40 Mins 3/4/5 times a week.

That way it won’t feel like you aren’t getting anywhere

As with everything in life to get to your goal it’s all about plenty of “baby steps”

You can do this. flowers

blue2014 Sun 03-Dec-17 21:49:47

Honestly you probably need to work on your beliefs and what is making you eat so much. If this stems from childhood trauma it's probably going to take more than healthy eating to overcome it (I know - I'm also obese)

I would start with trying to work out exactly why you overeat and challenging that belief

megablokseverywhere Sun 03-Dec-17 22:12:29

Deal with breaking one bad habit at a time. If you eat chocolate then cut it out for a couple of weeks. I'm focusing on not eating cake for a few weeks. One day at a time. Then I'll work on something else.
Small steps is the way. Forget the big stuff. Focus on getting healthier.
If there are foods you struggle around then don't buy them. I buy DH crisps and biscuits that I don't like so I'm not tempted

notanurse2017 Mon 04-Dec-17 08:01:09

Op you are being v hard on yourself. I can tell you what worked for me (well, is currently working, I'm still obese). I started this year with a BMI of over 50, I'm now around 38, so a huge way to go still but you know what, time passes whether I eat healthily or not, so I might as well make it count.

I use MFP and take it one meal at a time. I've denied myself nothing but I make sure I know when I am eating high fat, high sugar etc food and ask myself if it is worth it. Sometimes it is, more often though it isn't.

There are some v supportive weight loss threads on here, I couldn't have lost the 70 plus pounds I have this year without the support of the thread I am on.

You sound like a lovely person with a blooming hard life. I hope that you find this thread useful.

notanurse2017 Mon 04-Dec-17 08:02:20

Op you are being v hard on yourself. I can tell you what worked for me (well, is currently working, I'm still obese). I started this year with a BMI of over 50, I'm now around 38, so a huge way to go still but you know what, time passes whether I eat healthily or not, so I might as well make it count.

I use MFP and take it one meal at a time. I've denied myself nothing but I make sure I know when I am eating high fat, high sugar etc food and ask myself if it is worth it. Sometimes it is, more often though it isn't.

There are some v supportive weight loss threads on here, I couldn't have lost the 70 plus pounds I have this year without the support of the thread I am on.

You sound like a lovely person with a blooming hard life. I hope that you find this thread useful.

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