Losing weight for baby - donor sperm and a virgin?

[queenpriscilla]

Hello everybody.

I've only recently joined but I've been reading lots of posts over the past few months as an anonymous outsider and you all seem like a helpful and honest bunch. I have questions which I'm not sure about and I just wanted to know if anybody else out there has had a similar experience.

Here goes...
I've always been big for as long as I can remember. I am 26 years old (27 in July) and I've never been with a man... never had sex... I'm still 100% a virgin.

But I really want a child.

Although I've embarked on a healthy eating plan/diet I'm still really quite overweight at the moment - I started 2 weeks ago at over 29st (my scales don't go any higher) and I'm currently 28st 5lb. I am aiming to lose around 9-10 stone. I know I will still be considered obese and too big but I really don't want to get saggy skin from the weight loss and feel even worse, so I'm happy to still be big but just not as big.

As I don't have a man handy I will be using donor sperm from an online sperm bank and home inseminating.

I know of many people of my current and goal weight who have successfully got pregnant and had babies so I'm not questioning that - I'm concerned that because I've never had sex that actually getting sperm to egg will be difficult. I've had a smear fine but recently was referred for an internal ultrasound and for some reason they couldn't "get it in" past a certain point because it was too painful.

Has anybody else been roughly my weight and been fine with pregnancy, or has anybody else been in my shoes with the donor sperm and being a virgin thing?

I don't know who else to ask other than people who may have or are currently going through this so I appreciate any advice or support.

Thanks

[olderthanyouthink]

Wow those are 2 v different questions, you might want to ask over on the donor conception board too?

[isthistoonosy]

Given you are only 26 why not concentrate on the weight loss for a year, increase your exercise, join some exercise clubs etc and enjoy losing the weight before you worry about getting pregnant.
I lost six stone before getting preg and wish Id got to a healthy weight first as its much harder with toddlers to look after.

Could your hymen still be intact, I assume that could cause an issue.

[Inadither]

Hiya. If you're a virgin I'm pretty sure there should be no need for a smear test as the papilloma virus is sexually transmitted. Are you referring to your hymen not being torn. Most women loose this using tampons or doing things like horse riding or cycling anyway so chances are it's not intact. If there's a physical issue you'd be better off asking the doctor or nurse who did your smear as they will know what they've seen. Good luck with the weight loss.

[TwentyCups]

I would probably consult a doctor on both of these points. Lesbian women have babies with sperm donors though so it is physically possible to conceive that way even without previously having PIV sex. You might want to use dilators before birth though to break your Hymen if it is actually intact.

A doctor should be able to advise on healthy weight loss in preparation for preganancy.

[queenpriscilla]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for all your replies, I really do appreciate them!

I started this weight loss thing 3 weeks ago now and I've said that I'll give myself until my 28th birthday in July of next year and then reassess the situation then, see how much weight I've lost and see how I feel about everything. While I am tracking my ovulation for a few months beforehand, and while I am attempting insemination I will still be losing weight hopefully!

The nurse didn't mention anything about am I sexually active when I had the smear so I don't think she saw anything different to normal.

I never actually considered the fact that some lesbians have children when they've never had sex with a man - I suppose that makes sense now I think about it! So I'm not that different after all then!

Thanks again for all your help and advice! =)

[queenpriscilla]

Also, I'm going to have to consult a doctor anyway before I start because I've still got my Nexplanon implant in so will need it removing before I can start tracking my ovulation and I need to ask if the various medications that I'm on need altering in any way if they're dangerous when pregnant.

[NapQueen]

I think if a baby is your aim (and its a wonderful aim to have!) then getting yourself as physically fit as possible and loosing some of the weight is a priority. Good job on those first few weeks.

Maybe you could use the end goal as a motovation for some long term health improvements?

So once you are a stone down, start researching costs of it all. Two stone down research sperm donors, three stone down book a GP appt about it all. Four stone start a class, maybe aqua fit, that you can also enjoy as a pregnant woman. Etc etc.

Its a long way off, I know, but the longer it takes, coupled with the healthy eating, will put you in a much better place for conceiving and carrying a healthy pregnancy.

[Loopsdefruits]

Ok, just gonna jump in to say that you don't need to rip/break/pierce/tear/pop or otherwise damage your hymen, the hymen is already perforated (an imperforate hymen is a serious medical condition that requires surgical management and is usually diagnosed at birth or during puberty). During sex/penetration your hymen will stretch to accommodate whatever is inserted, tearing can happen if there is insufficient lubrication or you're tense or things are too forceful and that doesn't just happen to virgins. It's usually a sign that you/your partner is being a little too rough, and is more common in first-time encounters as things tend to be a little clunky (or so I've heard)

Basically, although the hymen can tear during intercourse it is not a requirement and doesn't need to be torn in order to get pregnant or give birth (although again, it may tear during birth)

Somewhat unrelated, but the 'popping the cherry' myth seems to be long lasting, my med-student housemate was actually taught it in her OBGYN anatomy class.

As for your questions, no real advice but some solidarity :) I'm asexual, and hoping to have a baby on my own eventually, I'm 26 now so gonna give it a couple of years so I'm in the best place financially. Also, get your pap if you're overdue once, the risk is tiny of having any issues but there's no harm in getting checked, plus it's free :)

[5OBalesofHay]

Nosey question so feel free to ignore but why the implant if you're a virgin?

[queenpriscilla]

NapQueen - Good idea, might do that, thanks.

Loopsdefruits - Thanks for the information - I wasn't sure if I was being silly or not but at least it's all been clarified now!

50BalesofHay - I had it to help stop very heavy and painful periods and it's worked so I just keep having it replaced every few years.

[ImperialBlether]

You're still very young in childbearing terms. I think you should aim for your weight loss first and then when you're a weight you're happy with, think again.

You will find relationships different as your body changes - this has happened to many women on here. You might find a whole new confidence as you become fitter and healthier.

Having a child alone is very, very difficult and it can be very lonely - if you talk to other single mums they might put you off going into this alone.

[Loopsdefruits]

I don't think anyone should be trying to put you off, but I know that my friends and family are all very supportive but still want to make sure I'm not rushing into anything :) you don't need to have the support of a partner to raise a baby but you do need support of some kind! Use this time to get to the healthy level you want to be personally, and to curate your support network for pregnancy and after. Being a single mother by choice is different to becoming a single mother when you didn't plan to be, many of the challenges will be similar but your approach will be different

[queenpriscilla]

Unfortunately I still live at home with my parents. My business is based from home too, so I can't see myself moving out too soon, although I would like a place of my own when I do have the baby and it's a bit older. I have lots of support from my parents (especially my mum!) so I'm certainly not going on this journey alone. I don't think I'll meet anyone naturally - I don't drink and don't enjoy going out to pubs/clubs and don't have any friends (apart from the odd customer, but they're more of an acquaintance really) so I don't think I'll find someone very easily. I'm happy going it alone, I have the full and excited support of my parents and brother and I'm excited at the prospect of becoming a mother. I'll certainly be finding mom and baby support groups/swimming classes/playgroup classes etc to meet other people in my situation, and my friendly next door neighbour has recently given birth so I'm sure she'll be happy to talk to me about things too.

I've lost almost a stone already so I'm certainly well on the way. When I feel comfortable with my weight, size and appearance then I'll start trying, but this won't be for a long way yet. I've said to myself that I'll reassess my situation on my 28th birthday in July 2018 and then go from there if I'm happy.