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Can I have a moan.

(13 Posts)
NewPurrs5 Sat 01-Apr-17 20:03:32

Can't even work out how to name change so bugger it.

I'm currently at my heaviest ever. I had been ignoring it for the best part of 5 years now. Bigger and bigger with a shameless amount of diet attempts which were shortlived. Suddenly, I am riddled with niggling health issues that have come on sunddenly. Mainly my joints. I'm in pain more often than not but keep refusing drs as I know my weight will be bought up.

My marriage is on the rocks, I've no self esteem and despite a dh who lavishes me with attention and love I push him away and show him no affection. He's coming close to breaking point. He feels unloved, heart breaks that I make him feel like this and yet all I want to do is hide from him.

I could/should be a much better mother. I try my hardest I truly do but I could be better if I wasn't so fat.

I'm 5'3, 15st and I'm bursting out of my 16s.

I joined slimming world last Thursday but haven't breathed a word to anyone bar a casual mention to dh. I'm ashamed of myself, scared it'll be another failed attempt. I have all the motivation in the world and no willpower. I want to whisper that I am at breaking point and genuinely ready. Scared but ready and hopeful. But I'm afraid that maybe I'm just lying to myself again.

I want to be better. I want to be healthy and I want to save my marriage and I want to give my children everything.

I'm sorry for the rather pitiful post. I just had to get it out somewhere quiet.

OP’s posts: |
BeBe32 Sat 01-Apr-17 20:35:48

I truly sympathise. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, miserable but just can't seem to stick to anything. Feel like such failure. I'm not married but I've fallen for someone that I'm pushing away because I don't want him to see me like this. It's horrible isn't it? Well done for joining Slimming World, that's a positive step xxx

NewPurrs5 Sat 01-Apr-17 21:07:35

I feel like a drug addict. Like how can I be so painfully aware of how much this is hurting my marriage and not be able to change?!? I feel so angry and disappointed in myself. I know feeling that way doesn't help anything but I cannot shake it off. I go to bed as early as possible, leaving dh lonely and bored. I just want to hide. Make it through the day as invisible as possible:

OP’s posts: |
BeBe32 Sat 01-Apr-17 21:19:48

It's such a horrible feeling isn't it? I constantly wonder how I can be so miserable and yet have absolutely no willpower to do anything about it, it just makes no sense,


NewPurrs5 Sat 01-Apr-17 21:26:59

It makes me wonder if I know what true love is. If I can't even do it for them.. you know?

It's a miserable existence. I'm thinking of blind weighing. I feel like there's so much more to this than numbers that I need to work on that without getting caught up in how fast it comes off... with it only being two days in I can't bare to consider how long the journey ahead is as it feels insurmountable. Maybe if I can focus on taking it day by day and not just making it to each weigh in with the promise of a binge.if all I concentrate is getting the food right each day but focus my head and emotions on my marriage? I'm aware im prone to excuses so I don't know if I'm somehow making one now? I saw a lady on Instagram had bought a 12 week countdown and blind weighed the entire time. She said she did it because she wanted to focus on her emotional difficulties with food not the numbers, but then discovered she'd lost 2st at the end!

I don't want to over complicate it or make excuses. Maybe I could ask them to keep my book and to just tell me if the weight came off that week but no numbers?

OP’s posts: |
BeBe32 Sun 02-Apr-17 07:30:42

That might be a good idea - completely disregard the numbers for a bit.

I feel like it feels like such a huge task. I've put on quite a bit of weight in quite a short time so it feels like even if I have a good week and lose 2 pounds that barely makes a difference - I was much lighter than that at Christmas! I know that's not the way to look at it but it just feels like it will take forever to even notice a difference.

onwego Sun 02-Apr-17 08:21:45

Purrs, your post really resonated with me. You sound unhappy and like you really want change. Could your act of true love first of all be to yourself by being kind and gentle to yourself? We wouldn't expect so much from ourselves or be so hard on ourselves if we had a problem with alcohol or drugs, yet when it comes to food, we can be so self punitive. For me, food and overeating has been a way of nurturing myself through a childhood where emotional nurturing was absent. It continued into adulthood. My husband too is loving and affectionate but shutting him out and numbing out was a cycle so familiar to me that I couldn't break it myself. I started to see a psychotherapist 2 years ago. We worked through my childhood stuff and somehow in all of that, I lost 3 stone. And miraculously, the weight is staying off. I've learned and am still learning how to look after myself, to give and receive love and support from my husband.

If it were truly about telling yourself to knuckle down and stop eating, I imagine you would have done that.

When I started losing weight, I have to say it consumed me and was very very hard. I logged everything on my fitness pal. I realised that being 5ft2 meant that I couldn't eat what my 5ft8 friends were eating/drinking. I thought about food constantly and made huge huge salads that I kept in the fridge to nibble on. I take boiled eggs everywhere!

One day at a time.

Startoftheyear2017 Sun 02-Apr-17 08:33:18

Be gentle on yourself Purrs. The stronger you can feel mentally the easier you will find it to make a food choice that takes you closer to losing a lb. It's got to be the whole you, not just your hunger that you start to fix. I've lost 1.5 stone since Jan 1. I set myself the goal of dieting until Valentines Day which helped. Set a goal for this week and get some support for how you feel emotionally. We're such complex beings that nothing is unconnected. I used MFP and it's been brilliant. I wanted to lose weight and I was only lying to myself if I didn't record every little thing that I ate.
Good luck. TBH I don't feel as amazing as I assumed I would now I'm a weight that I would have been thrilled at 6 months ago. That's an odd feeling. I had always assumed if I dropped below the magical 10 stone I would feel incredible. I feel proud (and worried I'll pile it all on again) but not especially attractive or skinny.
Hope things turn around for you flowers

KikiMadeMeDoIt Sun 02-Apr-17 09:05:17

I just came on to say pretty much everything Start says. It sounds like there's a big logjam of feelings and you're exhausting yourself pushing against it. Stop pushing for a little while and take a breath.

Sorry for slightly clunky analogy, but I had this thought - imagine you're doing a favour for someone, but you don't like them much; you might put it off, you might fight against it and it propbably wont bring out your best work. Now imagine doing the same favour for someone you love, how much easier it is, how much you enjoy it. Does that make any sense to you?

You've nailed it in your op - it's a self esteem problem. Could you think about spending time on working on that? There are lots of ways to make a start.

NewPurrs5 Sun 02-Apr-17 21:52:09

Kiki, I am indeed one huge mess of emotions. My marriage is pretty miserable right now. Even though we love each other deeply and want it to work we have reached a stalemate and entered into a fractious new normal which is horrible. Constant bickering and feelings of inadequacy all around. His patience has run out and I am fiery and emotional.

I do yes need to focus on some self care, I'm taking little steps towards this too. But it's all just very difficult and I am aware I've sunk into a depressive low which is like walking in treacle in terms of seeking emotional stability.

OP’s posts: |
RubySlippers77 Sun 02-Apr-17 23:02:28

Sending you lots of hugs and flowers Purrs, just to let you know that people are thinking about you. It is such a tough situation to be so deeply unhappy and unable to find your way out of it at the moment.....

Have you tried joining a fitness class - I don't mean a gym if that's not your sort of thing, but maybe a local group with people to support you? I go to a lovely one where you can weigh in if you wish but the emphasis is on feeling better about yourself - I personally find that I feel so much better if I do some sort of exercise, even if it isn't necessarily reflected on the scales!

And if you can face it then I definitely think the GP is a good idea - they may even refer you to SW so you can have some sessions for free! - perhaps you have medical issues like an underactive thyroid which aren't helping things? Not saying you have, but it might be useful to rule other issues out, and it's usually just a blood test.

NewPurrs5 Mon 03-Apr-17 09:15:37

Hey Ruby, thanks for your kind words. I feel on quite an even keel emotionally with regards to losing weight since I joined Thursday. Just taking each day as it comes and congratulating myself on small victories. I feel like I'm finally doing it for myself and don't need others approval or cheerleading- maybe that's when I start to feel pressured, when others become invested, even though it's only because they care.

Writing this thread has made me realise all that. Plus realising that a lot of it is other stuff. I've not been dealt the easiest nor nicest of hands in life and navigating adulthood can be hard. Thank you all for listening to me and taking the time to respond. It's touching that strangers on the internet would do so.


OP’s posts: |
KikiMadeMeDoIt Mon 03-Apr-17 10:15:32

This is all about you and you don't owe anything to anyone, you can take the advice or ignore it as long as it's what you want to do. I answered because I have the time and you sound like a nice person who could use some support, but only what you want.

One of the things that stood out was that you're fiery and emotional and in a depressive low - there are a lot of emotions and feelings battling with each other there. It might be worth talking that through with someone with specific experience.

The only thing that worked for me was reading up about mindfulness and compassion, that can be a useful place to start.

Good luck with the next steps 💐

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