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To be really disappointed?

(25 Posts)
BlancheDuBois2 Sun 04-Sep-16 22:41:32

Background - I'm overweight, deffo have a BMI of over 30 but am too chicken to actually weigh myself and find out what it is.

I'm staying with my parents at the moment following a break up, and my parents are always bringing up my weight. As in, at least twice a day. Every day.

My mum talks about food non-stop - how much her friends did/didn't eat at dinner last night, the new diet she's heard about... Etc.

After my dad spent the afternoon talking IRL and on Facebook about the proposed changes to NHS guidelines, and how people who are overweight should be forced to lose weight or pay for their treatment I've resorted to crying in my room. Like a teenager!

It's not like I enjoy being fat, and I know it's a problem (diabetes 2 etc) but I've got a history of mental health problems and think it's probably related to that. Anyway, any suggestions how I can tell the pair of them to fuck right off, but without being that rude? Or should I just be that rude?

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 04-Sep-16 22:44:01

Just tell them that you're aware of the health issues but you're an adult and they need to respect that and leave the issue alone. They're probably just concerned for your health but it doesn't sound like their approach is helping you.

ReallyShouldKnowBetterAtMyAge Sun 04-Sep-16 22:44:30

I would be that rude and use the great MN phrase "did you mean to be so rude?"

"I'm obviously aware I'm over weight, I don't need you banging on about it all day, maybe try giving me some help and support instead of criticising me all day long"

bramblina Sun 04-Sep-16 22:48:14

They are probably really worried about you!! I would be really worried about my daughter if she had a BMI of over 30.

If you think the over weight issue is as a result of mental health issues- you need to get that looked at.
But usually it's about eating more than you need, and moving less than you should.
Get some help, get some advice, ask your Mum or Dad to sign up for classes/gym etc with you- get someone else on board and DO THIS. It can be done, you just have to tackle the issue head on. No-one got fat from eating lettuce. Challenge them, if they have issues with it, ask them to make a plan and you can all stick to it. It's not healthy for any of you.

SabineUndine Sun 04-Sep-16 22:48:22

My father was particularly bad for doing this. Then he wanted to know why I never went to stay with him and my mother! I just didn't want my self-confidence to be undermined any further.

CharminglyGawky Sun 04-Sep-16 22:55:35

I have a bmi of just over 30, I am a size 14-16 wearing loose fitting clothes. I know it's not good and I am slowly loosing weight but being pregnant now I'm certainly not focusing on that at the moment. At the size I am I don't feel happy with it but I'm not ashamed.

It is not on to be treated like you are by anyone, let alone your own parents. If they are concerned their are ways to talk to you without being condescending and rude! Please don't take it to heart, it's not you, it really isn't.

BlancheDuBois2 Sun 04-Sep-16 22:59:16

Oh I know it's not from eating lettuce. I wish wink

I tried a bulemia support group (was referred by the GP) but found it incredibly uncomfortable, and ended up leaving after 2 sessions. Maybe I need to give over eaters anonymous a go.

I think I just need to move out ASAP (just had an offer accepted on a flat so hoping it won't be TOO long now) and get back to living in an area with my friends, cycling to and from the office etc.

napmeistergeneral Mon 05-Sep-16 01:38:57

It may be that your parents are trying to find a way to talk to you about your weight without making it into a big deal. Just be honest and say that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Or talk to them about how you think it is related to mh. They are your parents and they love you. I'm sure they will listen to you and support you if you open up to them.

trafalgargal Mon 05-Sep-16 01:46:13

They probably just want you to be happy and healthy again and see your weight as something that could prevent both. Annoying but just a clumsy way of saying they care.

TaterTots Mon 05-Sep-16 02:01:32

Bramblina - They may be worried, but what good is bringing it up twice a day doing? The OP won't suddenly drop two dress sizes overnight through the sheer force of parental nagging.

trafalgargal Mon 05-Sep-16 02:09:34

Maybe start the cycling now , if not practical for going to work right now then the odd bike ride for pleasure might shut them up and keep you fitter for when you do move and start comutting by bike again.

PerspicaciaTick Mon 05-Sep-16 02:19:52

If they have always been like this, then it is likely that their attitude has been a contributory factor in your development of eating issues.

Maybe remind them of that every time they have a little pop at you.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Mon 05-Sep-16 02:43:56

Funny isn't it, how fat people must need reminding all the time that they are fat because it's unhealthy and the person is worried for them, but when someone gets too thin no one says anything?

OP YANBU to be upset. I've cut contact with my grandmother as she literally doesn't have one nice thing to say to me - I'm fat, she doesn't like it, so she'll bring it up at every opportunity to make me feel shit.

citychick Mon 05-Sep-16 03:01:20

OP, perhaps living with your parents isn't as good for you as you might think.
How long are you planning to stay with them? Surely all the chipping away at you is going to make things worse, not better? Are you able to find somewhere you can call your own space and take back your life?

Personally, as much as I love staying with my parents during school holidays with the grandkids, I don't find it healthy.

FWIW my son is incredibly skinny, and many at his old school, including teachers, felt it was fine to tease him about his thinness. When he took a pop at a girl for being chubby, all hell let loose. confused It's not nice picking on anyone for any reason.

Good luck.

ConvincingLiar Mon 05-Sep-16 07:10:17

Can you say you're grateful that they've let you stay and you're sure they're trying to be supportive but actually you're finding their comments about weight/diet counter productive. Then ask them not to talk about it at all. What would you find helpful? Maybe doing some gentle expertise together?

Peonie7654 Mon 05-Sep-16 07:15:51

I think that you need to drop some Weight. Also make some plans to leave😄

They are telling you because they love you. Yes they are fucking annoying but they are worried about you.

Just make a start, go for a walk everyday, cut your food back a bit, baby steps to get you motivated. Next time they comment say yes I'm going for a walk I've started please give me space to achieve my goals.

Peonie7654 Mon 05-Sep-16 07:18:01

City chic, a lady I worked with always commented on how disgustingly thin I was.

Like every day until I responded with no, honestly I'm not disgustingly thin your just fat.

Didn't go down well...

NicknameUsed Mon 05-Sep-16 07:23:47

"They are probably really worried about you!! I would be really worried about my daughter if she had a BMI of over 30."

This ^^.

My sister is very overweight and has type 2 diabetes which is now beginning to impact on her health. She is also a very intelligent woman and a fantastic cook. I would never dream of talking to her about her weight, but I do worry about her because of the health issues.

For the first time in my life I am now putting on more weight than I would like to so I am beginning to understand how difficult it is to find the willpower to stay away from some of the foods I like. It is especially hard because I have a teenager with hollow legs and a husband who needs to put weight on, so I have to cook calorific meals.

citychick Mon 05-Sep-16 07:51:11

peonie..dreadful double standards

BlancheDuBois2 Mon 05-Sep-16 10:52:52

Thanks all - some things to mull over! I would very, very much like to lose weight but every time I try I end up bingeing and it's a vicious cycle. But I probably need to talk to my GP or someone like Beat about that...

I'm actually in the process of buying a flat, so plans to move are imminent (hurrah)! But I doubt very much this will stop them. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I've got some holiday from work this week to pack up for the new flat, so will try and get into some good walking/eating habits while I don't have other stresses to consider.

EUGH, why can't I just decide to lose weight and then do it? What's with my self-sabotage?!

Have your parents always been focussed on weight and diets? If so, you may well have developed some unhealthy though patterns around food that you need to unpick before you can lose weight. For example, thinking "if I lose weight my parents will stop going on" would subconsciously trigger a "sod 'em" reaction in me followed by cake inhalation wink

kimann Mon 05-Sep-16 11:02:35

I'm sorry your parents are being mean - I would tell them how you feel. It's not nice to hear at all.

Fwiw - Im quite thin naturally no matter how much I eat and I get horrid comments all the time too - 'oh you can't eat a whole burger - you'll explode' 'and to see how much a bird eats? Look at Kim's plate etc' it's awful. I know how you feel. Xx

bramblina Mon 05-Sep-16 15:50:32

Tatertots - not very much good, obvs, but I don't get the feeling from OP that she is actively doing something about it. I read her OP as "I'm sick of DPs going on about my weight" and not "I have a weight problem and cannot find the willpower to do anything about it, please help me". So, I believe they will continue until OP says "Right! I need to do something about this, will you help me please?" and hopefully they will help and support her, and everybody will be happy.

OP, what do you think?

BlancheDuBois2 Mon 05-Sep-16 19:28:35

I have tried, but I'm a walking cliche. Diet for a bit, works well, binge, give up and end up 3 pounds heavier. And then repeat. And again. And again.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I seem to have a real problem with short term gratification when it comes to food. And a kind of 'it's got quite bad already, I might as well not bother any more' attitude when I'm struggling with my mental health. Which in turn, makes me even less motivated to do anything about it the next day.

Even as I type it, I think I sound ridiculous. But I can't seem to get out of this cycle. I used to self harm a bit though and haven't done that since I got fat and started eating to cope with my feelings, so there's a silver lining...

bramblina Mon 05-Sep-16 21:17:16

Oh dear, that is not good. I sympathise, I'm now a wobbly size 14 and really need to get a grip. Began last year in anticipation of being smaller for our huge family summer holiday. But, all the ladies- my 2 sisters, my neice, my Mum and MIL are all a size 16 or bigger so felt there was no need. Ran 4 times, ate well for a couple of weeks then forgot. I need to get a grip but completely understand where you are coming from- dh works away for 5 days, I am alone with the 3 young dcs and knackered most of the time so end up eating stuff I shouldn't.

Have you ever tried a weight-watcher class or similar, the type where you check in every week and have to report? I think this would work for me if I knew I had to do that.

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