OK so I'll start by saying I don't have huge amounts of weight to lose but enough that it feels insurmountable. I'm 5ft6, 72kg at last weigh (although was 70 kg at start of the week and am premenstrual right now). BMI 25.something I think.
I feel FAT. I look fat. I have rolls round my tummy and also fat sort of on my back below my armpits that I HATE. My thighs, meh, but mostly it's my tummy that I loathe. I've always had a fat tummy ever since I was a child.
I also have Hypermobility Syndrome (probably Ehlers Danlos but need to have the collagen tests to confirm). I'm tired all the time, I injure myself at the drop of a hat, sometimes while I'm asleep. Joint pain, muscle pain, fatigue, digestion issues, depression, partial dislocations. For this reason I can't do circuits (I see a personal trainer and she's trained in biomechanics and is brilliant).
I hate MFP because whenever I do it I feel starving, no matter what I eat, and eventually feel guilty about everything I put in my mouth. All I can think is 'people can live on 500 calories a day and you are a disgusting pig who can't control herself'.
Right now my diet consists of mainly salad, a lot of fruit, ryvita, shredded wheat. I've cut down on refined sugar and don't drink smoothies, I have given up bread and tend to try and eat veg+protein rather than refined carbs for mealtimes now. I've started going to the gym at least 3 times a week.
I'm exhausted, depressed, anxious (this has also been work related). I refuse to cut out cake and chocolate entirely and maybe have them twice a week. I love food but hate cooking with a passion. My mental health is such that saying 'just cook this nice easy 15 minute recipe' that involves a lot of pans and ingredients is akin to saying 'oh just live on kale for a month'. I will just say fuck that and eat salad out of the bag instead.
Nothing seems to be changing. My weight yoyos from morning to night, I don't know how people can say they've definitely 'lost' X amount when I can put on or lose 3lb in a day when I've hardly eaten anything so I know it's just water etc. I don't feel better. I am not convinced I look better. It seems like the only way I can lose any of this weight is by doing extreme crash juice diets (which I KNOW don't work long term) or by starving myself and having a joyless existence, doing 8 workouts a week on a HIIT programme and damaging my physical health in the process with dislocations and joint problems.
Right now I HATE myself. I look at the before/after photos on Kayla Itsines' instagram (my mate's lost 4st doing BBG workout) and just have to keep reminding myself my body won't do that because of my conditions. Please someone tell me it gets better.
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Demoralised and need to believe I can do this!
8 replies
TheCuriousOwl · 14/08/2016 14:11
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