Sorry I wasn't sure where to post this. I needed somewhere to just let out all my feelings as I'm not getting a lot of sympathy or advice in real life. I'm not a troll, been around a long time (penguins, fat ball, penis beaker), I've just name changed out of shame.
I am spending a lot of time in tears and wanting to just disappear. I'm obese. BMI is 31. I avoid looking in mirrors as I don't like what I see. My avoidance of mirrors is so bad that today I saw myself in a shop window and didn't recognise myself. I thought "god, she's a right state" and it was me. I looked 20 years older, had no dress sense, just a total fucking mess.
I spend my work lunchtimes eating my lunch in my car. This resulted from a thin colleague regularly saying "how many calories are in that?", "are you sure you should be eating that?" It's usually a fucking sandwich, pack of crisps and a bottle of water. I don't know if she's trying in some way to be helpful but its mortifying. So I either sit in my car or in the disabled toilet.
Speaking of disabled toilet - I have disabilities which affects how much I can do socially in terms of exercise classes, weight loss classes. I get support at work but the same support isn't available at home.
I did lose 2 stone back in 2012 through WW online, exercise classes and personal training and felt so proud of myself. I could wear dresses again, I made an effort to get my hair done, get a fake tan, wear heels and nice makeup. But the 2 stone came back on and turned into 3 stone back on.
Since this weight loss, my disabilities have gotten a bit worse, I also have less time and money for exercise classes. I've done it before, but this time I can't seem to get the motivation/time/money to do it again.
I get out of breath even just walking up the stairs. My trousers slide down to sit below my belly, so my belly hangs over. I am sweaty. My legs rub together. My teeth are always aching which my dentist says is due to clenching. I didn't realise I was doing this until he said so, and didn't know why until I tried to go to the toilet and couldn't (regular occurence)
I don't get any sympathy at home. My mum (who is thin) says I should be ashamed of myself (I am) and that only I can change it (true). My DH is also overweight and takes the opposite approach - that I'm lovely as I am (not true)
I spend a fortune on makeup and jewelery partly to make me feel better but mainly to distract from my weight. I spend so much I'm overdrawn. I watch stupid youtube makeup videos but I still look old fat and spotty.
I have exercise videos unopened. I have unused skipping ropes. An unused exercise ball. An unused weighted hula hoop. An unused wii fit.
Last week, I tried to get my motivation back. I thought it would help to blog about my feelings, but I've lost the motivation to update it.
I joined nutracheck which I like but I keep going over my calories.
I enlisted my personal trainer again last week but this is only 2 half hour sessions a week as its all I can afford. I'm so embarrassed at her seeing how much weight I've put on since I saw her last and feel like I'm wasting her time and my money. I lied to her about losing weight this week when I'd lost SFA cos I was going over my calories.
I cry all day every day. I cry in my bed, I cry in the toilets, I cry in my car. It's all my own fault and I hate myself for not being able to do anything about it. I should be able to do it, I did it before, but I can't seem to do it.
Thank you if you got this far. I just wanted people to sound off too because no one in real life seems to understand.
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I hate myself
72 replies
veryobeselady · 10/06/2015 20:44
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