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Should we go ahead and have a small wedding?

(30 Posts)
CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 22:47:20

We had originally booked to get married in May after 4 years engaged and 8 years together. Obviously it was cancelled. we rebooked for October with it in mind that things might be ok by then (how naive!) we now have to make the decision of whether to go ahead with the October wedding and have the 30 people, or postpone yet again.
I have my dress waiting, and we want to start trying for baby #2. One of my bridesmaids died suddenly during lockdown and it’s just made me realise how short life is and almost worry who else might not be there if we wait another couple of years.
It won’t be the 100 guest, big fancy wedding we had in mind. But it will be much cheaper and the most important people will be there.
Opinions welcome!

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Bonniegirlie Mon 27-Jul-20 22:52:22

We had a small wedding and it cost less than my friend's dress when she got married the year after. Another friend said when we told her what we were going to do she thought it would be really naff, but it turned out to be the nicest, most personal, friendly wedding she had ever been to. The main thing is that you do what you want to do, and if you save lots of money at the same time then it's a win, win. We invited who we wanted to, not who we were expected to, so the most important people were there and we had a lovely day.

Danniiaddy Mon 27-Jul-20 22:56:06

Sorry to hear about your bridesmaid. It must have been a terrible shock.
I think, if you want to get married, get married and invite your very close family & friends.
Once the pandemic is over, have a big party and invite everyone!

CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 22:56:50

@Bonniegirlie Thank you. I have a very small family, I literally have my parents, sister and niece and one auntie and uncle coming and that’s not in lockdown! Family side is all from DH and he isn’t overly bothered. I’m having to not invite a few sets of friends to the day and a few more to the night but we said we could maybe have a party when things return to normal.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m thinking if we go ahead and then by next year we would have been allowed a big wedding will we be disappointed. But then I’m also thinking of the money we could save by not inviting people we don’t see from one year to the next!

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CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 22:58:22

@Danniiaddy thank you. She was in fact my cousin, she was 23 and left behind 2 children under 6. Sudden heart attack they think. It’s just made me think about how short life is and how precious and is it worth waiting so we can have more people there who are obviously important to us but not as much as the 30 we would invite! I just don’t know.

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Babs709 Mon 27-Jul-20 22:58:55

I think you’re the only person who can really answer this question.

But as you came for advise... mine would be go ahead with 30. You can have a big party to celebrate your marriage down the line if you feel robbed, and no one would bat an eyelid as they’d have known you made a difficult decision at the time. It’s not like anyone is oblivious to what’s going on!

I’m so sorry to hear about your bridesmaid flowers

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Mon 27-Jul-20 22:59:17

Both my daughters planned weddings for this year, one in August and one in October. They both wanted largish weddings but decided that what matters is their marriage and not big parties. One got married two weeks ago and the other is getting married next week.

Neither of them had parties - one had a family picnic with the couple and their parents, the other is planning to go from the church to the beach.

In some ways it is becoming more meaningful because they have had to consider what really matters to them.

They both plan to have big parties when conditions allow but are very happy with their decisions.

Babs709 Mon 27-Jul-20 23:00:01

Sorry, bad typo... ADVICE

Puddlet Mon 27-Jul-20 23:01:28

Is it about the one day or is it about the security and commitment of marriage? It sounds as if you might want to go ahead-as you say you never know what's around the corner.

beela Mon 27-Jul-20 23:01:31

It depends on whether getting married or having a wedding is more important to you. Only you can decide that.

KenDodd Mon 27-Jul-20 23:01:43

Sorry about your bridesmaid, that's very sad.

Yes to a small wedding. It's your marriage that's important, the wedding is just the hurdle to jump to get there.

CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 23:06:51

@Babs709 thank you.. don’t worry I didn’t notice the typo! That’s what we’ve said we could maybe have a party even if it’s not for a year or so and I could wear my dress again etc if I wanted. We had almost decided on that and then father in law to be said he doesn’t understand the rush, it’s not like I’m pregnant and I’ll just hate the day. I can see his point but then as I say I don’t think he’s looking at the bigger picture in that we have no idea how long the world will be like this, and who won’t be there next time if we put it off again. I’m 32 soon as if we wait until we can have normal numbers which could be 2/3 years it’s getting too be a much bigger age gap than I would want as DS1 turns 4 soon.
I’ve never had a party with lots of people in my life anyway as I say I’m from a tiny family and never had a lot of friends. The thought of a small wedding actually fills me with much less anxiety than the original day! Thank you, I’m sorry too sad she was 23 with 2 children, they think it was a heart attack.
@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that’s really good to hear, thank you. Did neither of them regret waiting then?

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LizB62A Mon 27-Jul-20 23:08:14

A friend's daughter is in the same situation, however she has elderly grandparents. It would actually be safer for them to go to a small wedding now rather than wait until wedding numbers can be increased and possibly be at more risk.
I'm sure her grandparents would rather go to the actual wedding than the reception so a small wedding now followed by a big reception later on would be my suggestion to her

Lyricallie Mon 27-Jul-20 23:11:30

I'm in the same boat as you. Was supposed to be May and have rescheduled for October.

Why do you think you will only be allowed 30 people? Is that was your venue has said? Everything is changing so fast I'm waiting it out until at least end of August before I make a final decision.

My issue is we won't get any money back if we cancel and just have a small wedding. Will you be out of pocket? Our insurance isn't covering covid.

CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 23:11:38

Thanks everyone. I think this time last year we were focused on the day - the dress, the band, the big party. And to be quite honest we weren’t even getting on that well at that point. It felt like we were doing it to keep up appearances.
Lockdown and losing my cousin seems to have massively pulled us back together as a couple and a family. It seems to have made us realise we just want that sort of final knot tied so to speak. My sister had a big wedding and it was amazing but she’s now getting divorced. My parents had a registry office and a meal and they’re over 30 years down the line.
It was just future father in law and my mum to some extent saying it won’t be the day I want and I’ll hate it so what’s the rush. Future MIL and my dad have both said it’s what we want and it doesn’t matter to them either way as long as we’re happy with it x

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QualityFeet Mon 27-Jul-20 23:13:08

Sorry about your cousin.

I think one of the upsides to the Covid cancellations is that people got to press pause on giant wedding plans. The important part only needs a fairly small number of closest people. All the other stuff is just a bolt on. Mine was small, cheap and so much funsmile I have had friends divorce whilst still paying their wedding loans!

CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 23:16:11

@Lyricallie it says the government will allow weddings and wedding receptions of up to 30 people from August 1st (have a look on the gov. website I think it’s on there) we’ve paid £1,500 for the venue deposit and we intend on having it at the same venue (church service then a hotel) so with smaller numbers we would be in pocket rather than out of!
My H2B is an insurance broker and would you believe we don’t have wedding insurance! Haha. He knows the owners of the hotel on a personal
Basis anyway luckily so as long as we still have it there I’m sure they would let us have any date if it’s free.
It’s been such a nightmare hasn’t it. I’ve had an awful year. My grandad died in January so the wedding was something positive to focus on, that got cancelled and then my cousin/bridesmaid passed away. Hideous year.

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mellowgreenspring Mon 27-Jul-20 23:16:13

Oh based on your reply's and how you sound I think you should go ahead, sounds like it suits you to have a smaller wedding. And I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin, how awful.

Thy alone would make the decision for me.

CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 23:20:10

@QualityFeet I completely understand. We were so stressed planning the big wedding I didn’t even know if we were right going ahead. Lockdown and recent events just made us press pause and think actually, do we need to spend £12,000 to have the fancy day all our friends have had? As I say my sister had an amazing wedding and now they have separated 4 years later. I want it to be in a church and I want my dad to give me away. Oh and H2B being there is pretty important I suppose haha.
I think my mum just wants me to have the big do as it’s hopefully the only wedding I’ll have and she’ll be mother of the bride which I understand and FIL to be is a very sociable man and he just wants a big knees up I think! Where as I’m not actually the most confident or sociable of people. X

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Nighttown Mon 27-Jul-20 23:20:53

It was just future father in law and my mum to some extent saying it won’t be the day I want and I’ll hate it

Honestly,. OP, other people can have no idea what you want. I got married -- by choice -- in jeans with two witnesses. My mother spent years unable to rid herself of the delusion that I'd somehow been forced into it by DH because she literally could not conceive that anyone would not want a big white dress and a church and 200 guests. I've never had the remotest regret.

I realise with you it's somewhat different, but you sound like you fundamentally know what you want. Don't listen to other people.

And I'm sorry for your loss. What a tragedy.

Lollypop4 Mon 27-Jul-20 23:20:54

Go for October!
You're right, life is too short.
I personally plan to elope with just me,DP and the kids, come back and have a big party for all.

CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 23:23:36

@mellowgreenspring Thank you flowers yes it’s honestly one of the most painful things that’s ever happened to me, she was the sister I never had.
I think talking to you all it maybe would work for us to have a smaller day.
It’s people saying what’s the rush and you’ll hate it or regret it that was making me question it. But it’s quite nice to just be thinking of the wedding and not seating plans, favours, saving money we don’t have and all the other rubbish that goes with it x

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CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 23:30:44

@Nighttown thank you. To be honest I don’t think I had any idea what I wanted until it got cancelled! Taking away all the ‘bullshit’ of thinking about a theme, favours, seating plans etc is actually a lovely thought. People kept asking me if I was excited and I would just reply I will be when I’m organised. As there was so much to sort with a 100 people wedding it was taking the excitement away.
I bet your small wedding has lasted much longer than some peoples who had the big white dress etc too!! Although I’m still wearing my dress even if it was just the 2 of us haha x

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CanIBeGingerSpice Mon 27-Jul-20 23:31:07

@Lollypop4 that sounds very stress free!! X

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howfarwevecome Mon 27-Jul-20 23:33:51

I'm sorry about your cousin; so sad for her family.

I would have the smaller wedding and just enjoy having your family around you. The marriage is what's important; not the big, overpriced party.

I would actually like to think more people will also remember what's truly important in life and start toning crazy wedding extravaganzas down. To me, they seem like such a waste of money.

(And FTR, we had a very small wedding, less than 20) close family and friends for the ceremony and dinner. It was so lovely.)

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