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Family came to wedding no gift now invited to cousins

(24 Posts)
3215Lewie1 Mon 13-Apr-20 00:46:19

Sorry all this is a long one. Me and my now husband got married in May 2019. We invited all our close family and friends to the day and then friends from work etc to the evening. When we got married my family from my mothers side (16 people) which we are very close with attended the wedding in the day and evening. When we went to our room in the evening and opened our cards and gifts from guests found that the whole of my mothers side of the family had not given a card no gift. We were a bit taken aback by this as they are close family. The morning after my auntie advised at breakfast the cards and gifts were in her room so would give them to me before we left. This never happened. My husbands mother and father are originally from Ireland so we invited all his relatives from Ireland who I have only met once in the time we have been together (6 years) and my husband only sees them every couple of years but yet they attended and also made the effort to give cards and gifts. I mentioned to my auntie on another occasion that we hadn’t revived the cards still and she explained my nan had lost them. Then another time then that they found the cards but had to open them and use the money for my uncles. I was shocked!!! I got to the point that I just gave up with it. Now my cousin is getting married and we have been invited. My husband is reluctant to go as feels they were rude to attend our wedding tell us we had cards etc and then use the money themselves and now expect us to attend the wedding of my cousin. We are the sort of people who would never attend a wedding and not give a card or gift whether we were invited in the day or night. I’m just wondering what’s your thoughts on this?

OP’s posts: |
Cordial11 Mon 13-Apr-20 00:54:02

I am a bit different when it comes to gifts, I think someone presence is enough rather then a teapot set i'll never use.

TinkerPony Mon 13-Apr-20 00:58:09

Go and enjoy it if you can afford it and make a trip out of if it a weekend. Catch up with family on that side. Life too short for grudges especially after this pandemic.
Give card only of best wishes and appreciation of the day afterwards the next day. It you want to even add a small thoughtful token.
It only fair vice versa.
Like the modern saying, pics or it didn't happen.

TinkerPony Mon 13-Apr-20 01:00:15

The main thing they came to your wedding & enjoyed it so likewise pop over and enjoy.

WitchenKitch Mon 13-Apr-20 01:01:19

Your problem seems to be that your Aunt is a thief.

Have you talked to other members of the family, do they know what happened to their gifts?

If you go to your cousin's wedding, make sure your gift gets to them directly. Ask for a bank account number or send it to their house.

Smilebehappy123 Mon 13-Apr-20 01:04:04

We had a bit of this at our wedding last year
Family invited for the whole day
My own brother and best friend didnt get.us even a card , iv never forgot it to be honest so bloody rude I would never go a wedding without a present or card especially as a day guest , its beyond crass

Pipandmum Mon 13-Apr-20 01:05:29

I had some cousins come to my wedding that didn't give me a gift. I did think 'hmmm' at the time as they certainly were not short of money and it was a big black tie celebration. But ultimately I didn't really care - life's too short.

Smilebehappy123 Mon 13-Apr-20 01:06:04

As another poster has said above it's very strange , if I had got a family member a gift and card for wedding and another family member spent the money I wouldnt be happy and would be wanting the money back
How does the rest of family feel about this?

Smilebehappy123 Mon 13-Apr-20 01:07:30

I would still go their wedding but just wouldnt get them anything and if questioned just say. I thought war wasnt got giving for weddings as you never got us anything
See what they say , are they aware auntie is a thief?

Smilebehappy123 Mon 13-Apr-20 01:09:25

I went a wedding for a work colleague many years ago , 5 other colleagues invited I was the only one that bought a card and put money in , 25 quid as it was just the evening reception , they all tried to add their names to card , I said well if you want to add your name throw some cash in also , so. Made the cars upto 100 quid. There are some right tight fuckets out there , normally the ones with money that want to be buried with it all once they die

blablablablablablabla Mon 13-Apr-20 04:58:42

I would just go and give a card money as I normally do. I couldn't be holding a grudge over this.

VashtaNerada Mon 13-Apr-20 05:07:22

I was surprised how many guests at my wedding didn’t bring a gift and/or card! Very odd.

MarthasGinYard Mon 13-Apr-20 05:10:05

I'd attend if I was close to my cousin as you say you are.

I'd take a card and gift.

Did your DM ever ask her sister why she needed that money for her 'uncle' and stole the cash from the cards?

Strange story

Barbararara Mon 13-Apr-20 05:20:32

Do the rest of your family know what happened to their gifts? I’d be furious if I’d come to your wedding, given a gift in good faith and it had been stolen like that.

I wouldn’t be bothered at all about people coming and not giving a gift; I’d far rather have them there. Life is short and you don’t get many opportunities to gather together and before you know it you’re meeting for funerals and there’s always someone missing.

So I would go, meet up with family and have a nice day. And I’d make an exception to your gift giving policy and bring a lovely card with a hand written message wishing the bride and groom happiness. And tell your aunt to keep £[whatever you’d normally give] for your cousin and that you need the rest of the money back ASAP.

nakedavengerreturns Mon 13-Apr-20 05:41:00

Didn't give a gift at the last wedding I attended.

We had flown 12000 miles to go to it and spent £4000 on flights so I felt that was sufficient.

Should we have given a gift as well??!

LoveIsLovely Mon 13-Apr-20 05:47:27

I can't get excited about who has and hasn't given gifts and find keeping track of such things a bit of a joy suck.

If you like them and want to see them, go. If not, don't bother.

On your death bed, will this matter? Will it be written on your grave "what happened to my presents, Aunty Shiela?"

Life is too short.

Boswello Mon 13-Apr-20 10:32:45

@nakedavengerreturns It doesn't really matter how far you've flown. You should always bring a gift.

I'd go OP because life is too short but I would speak to other family members so they know your aunt took the money.

Soontobe60 Mon 13-Apr-20 10:38:14

Are you saying that your aunt has stolen the money from the cards? If so, the Id contact all the people who you didn't get a card off and tell them

silver1977 Mon 13-Apr-20 10:42:57

Yes I'd wonder if the other members of your mother's family knew what happened. Maybe as far as they're concerned the cards and money got to you and you haven't sent a thankyou card! I'd be questioning that.

Seems very odd for 16 people to not think of sending anything, I can understand 1 or 2 not bothering or not being able to afford it (it can be quite expensive to attend a wedding!) but all of them? Bit weird and yes I'd be a bit hurt. I know it should be the fact they attended over everything else but actually it is a bit rude to have a meal and drinks provided for you and you not even send a card with good wishes.

I kept all my wedding cards as keepsakes, my children have looked through them and asked who some people are etc, it would be odd to have 16 close family members missing!

Have you asked your mum op?

Shatandfattered Mon 13-Apr-20 10:43:53

I'd take the opportunity to attend the wedding and casually ask what they bought the happy couple and see if you can slip it into conversation. I find it very strange 16 people ALL decided not to gift and if a remark was made about cards in one person's room there's cause for suspicion

notchickenagain Mon 13-Apr-20 10:44:25

Did you ask your nan if she'd lost them?

Queenoftheashes Mon 13-Apr-20 10:45:42

I would keep this issue separate from your cousin’s wedding. I’d go as usual but I’d also be broadcasting your aunt’s behaviour to those who gave money to you.

Sally872 Mon 13-Apr-20 10:49:36

Either let it go and move on. Go to the wedding with gift. Knowing you are the better person. (Remember cousin may not even know what has happened).

Or accept this has changed relationship and you dont want much else to do with them. Don't go to wedding or send gift and explain to cousin and aunt why.

Personally I would think it was a rude way to behave at your wedding, but if I loved them and they weren't normally rude to me I would let it go.

Wearywithteens Mon 13-Apr-20 10:54:40

I think people are missing the point. They weren’t expecting anything but the fact that a whole side of the family didn’t give so much as a card is a bit weird and someone had said they’ve opened the cards and used the money...either someone is a thief or a liar.

Have you talked to your mother about it OP? They are her relatives...the fact that your aunty said they’d opened your cards is outrageous. I can’t believe you’ve let that slide. I’d be making a fuss all over the place - it’s not about money or presents it’s the principal. I would tackle that and get to the bottom of who the thieving or lying person is.

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