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wedding dress questions & general anxiety

(13 Posts)
Meirion Wed 17-Jul-19 12:16:25

Thank you again, everyone for the kind advice, it really makes me feel better.

@CurbsideProphet, I'm so relieved to know that I'm not alone in worrying about this stuff. FH comes from a background, both home and university, where drinking is an activity in its own right and getting drunk is obviously (a) fun and (b) the default way to mark any important occasion. It's a free country of course but I just don't want to get drunk, to me, that would be like deliberately making myself ill, plus drunk people are generally arseholes. They are shouty and clumsy and oblivious to their surroundings / other people. Eurgh.

FH takes the view that if we are asking people to be on their best behaviour all day at a dry wedding then we have to allow them to let off some steam and celebrate in a way that they would recognise as a celebration and it's hard to disagree with that point of view as his family all think getting drunk = fun. They are mildly surprised that I can't be persuaded into more than one glass of anything.

I jokingly threatened FH that if we have to have a drunken reception, I will beat everyone at their own game by taking a load of MDMA beforehand and then we'll see who's tearing up the dance floor, drinks or no drinks. Ha.

@Elliesmommy, oh god, I would love to go away. My absolute dream, perfect wedding would be one of those packages in the Bahamas where you take your dress and get married on the beach with 2 hotel staff for witnesses. I would adore that. But family is very important, FH's family have been extremely welcoming of me and they would be gutted if FH got married and they weren't included. So. Diplomacy. I am getting the ceremony I want at the beautiful house and they will get a party in the evening which is apparently essential for feeling that something celebratory happened.

UnaOfStormhold Wed 17-Jul-19 11:28:34

Is there an Oxfam bridal shop near you? Basically they filter all the dresses that get donated to them to some selected shops where you can go for fittings and try on lots of different dresses. Mine was £280 and I was very happy with it.

I found going for a single venue was easier because we didn't have to faff with transport.

Can you assign someone (not DF, perhaps best man?) to keep tabs on the potentially rowdy fans and step in if needed.

Oh, and do not read bridal magazines or go to wedding fayres - they only create unrealistic expectations and make the whole thing more complicated than it needs to be.

Elliesmommy Wed 17-Jul-19 11:25:56

To save yourself all the stress and anxiety you and your husband to be head off and get married somewhere beautiful. Then you dont need a big dress and the stress around it. You dont have to worry about rowdy wedding guests. This is yer big day. People often get lost in what a wedding actually is and worry about other people. Dont fall into that trap. Best of luck

CurbsideProphet Wed 17-Jul-19 11:15:04

I bought a sample dress and saved a fortune. They work with a seamstress who will do some adjustments for me. Mine is from a very small independent bridal store, so I would recommend having a look around.

I can't drink at all. I've also had the same worries about drunken behaviour, however, my FH's friends are ushers / best man and are taking seriously the fact that it is their friend's big day. It's not just a Saturday night in town. They might surprise you.

My FH has already said he won't be drinking excessively on the day, as obviously he doesn't want me to feel like he's drunk and I'm on my own.

We've arranged with the venue for last orders at 11.30pm with everyone leaving by midnight.

It is a bit stressful organising a wedding, but it's much easier if you and FH talk about worries / how to manage different situations.

Meirion Tue 16-Jul-19 22:05:09

Hi everybody, thank you very much indeed for all the thoughtful advice.

The amount of dress options that I didn't know about is amazing and I am much more optimistic, thank you so much. I feel as though I can see a way through all of it.

Thank you also for being reassuring about the drinking friends. I can see I was being a bit uptight.

@SheWoreBlueVelvet, thank you for the strategic advice about managing people's alcohol consumption. We are thinking of inviting people to arrive at the posh venue as early as 11am where they will get one (1) glass of bubbly. Then it will be ceremony at midday followed by a plentiful lunch in the garden, at which we serve no further alcohol. I hope this will do the trick, as you suggest.

The thought of a disco is not a happy one but I have realised that there is some music that I don't hate, just not awful wedding disco hits of the 80s (that other wedding I went to was painful to listen to). So I have asked FH to look for some alternative venues for the evening that are nearby such as a nice piano bar or something where people can let off a little bit of steam and have a glass of wine but at the same time I don't have to listen to Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi and people will be managed out of the building by security if they are being too rowdy. I really don't want the disco part. I think FH understands my concerns.

I will definitely update the thread to let people know what happens and I'm definitely still open to further advice.

SheWoreBlueVelvet Tue 16-Jul-19 17:53:27

In between a bridal shop ( sell dresses from designers that need ordering) and eBay are independents that sell samples. So you only buy from stock they have. They will be dresses from a few years ago.
I saw my dress ( sample) in a bridal store but couldn’t afford the £1,000,s plus alterations. But was helpful to try it on.
So a quick look on eBay found my size in stock new for £400. In the end I bought it in a slightly different shade from the states. Was £600 after import tax. Also available on StillWhite secondhand for £200.

Don’t do a traditional British wedding if the drinking bothers you. Traditional weddings involve alcohol from start to finish. Clearly state on the invites the ceremony in the posh venue is a dry event ( don’t let people start) and have it as early in the day as you can muster. Offer loads food. Do you really need a disco or DJ? I wouldn’t even consider the pub!

Pipandmum Tue 16-Jul-19 15:24:54

Would you consider having a dress made? I had mine made and it was totally unique and special.
I should hope a pubs function room floor would be just as clean as any venue!
His mates won’t be drunk at the ceremony. At the pub - well home turf for them! Hopefully they can tell the difference between a sporting final and a wedding reception and behave accordingly.

sneakypinky Tue 16-Jul-19 15:17:59

What time of day is the ceremony? I highly doubt they'd be pissed and stumbling at say 2pm for a ceremony.

If it's likely they might be then your DP needs to have words beforehand telling them to behave.

Mind you, I wouldn't base your opinion on how they might behave at a wedding ceremony by how they behaved during the cricket world cup final! I think 90% of the cricket fans in the country were probably on a bit of a mad one on Sunday.

RubaiyatOfAnyone Tue 16-Jul-19 15:06:49

I bought my dress second hand on ebay - i also budgeted for a local seamstress to make alterations (an additional £150) to fit me properly.

Alternatively, you can limit ebay searches to e.g. 10 miles from your address so you only see local ones to try on.

I had an £1800 dress for £300 total (including alterations) and I LOVED it, so wouldn't ever put anyone off ordering online.

RavenLG Tue 16-Jul-19 15:03:40

I'm getting married in June 2020. I had budgeted £1000 for a dress but on a whim I ordered one from ASOS, £110 and I love it. I'm planning on losing weight too so have purchased a size that just fits now, but will need altering anyway (I'm short) so will hopefully size down with the seamstress. Easier to go down than have to add extra panelling in.

northernstars Tue 16-Jul-19 10:40:31

Wed2be do less expensive dresses. I bought my first dress there - have since decided to get one made. It is a size 18 but the lady said that because it ties at the back it would go down to a 14. I also intended losing weight but didn't lose as much as I had hoped.
I don't drink either and don't particularly like groups of drunk people so I feel your pain.

DeadDoorpost Tue 16-Jul-19 09:49:26

Can't help with the drinking as I'm teetotal but as for the dress... If you buy second hand then it's a good idea to look locally first. Most of the time the people selling are more than happy to let you try the dress on etc before you buy as it's obviously a big deal. But even if you buy one sooner and then lose more weight than you expected then going to a seamstress that specialises in formal/wedding dresses would also help. They'll be able to tell you how much they can take the dress in. It may even be worth speaking to one before you buy a dress so you know what to ask about if buying second hand.

I'd also recommend a dry cleaner. Don't worry about on the day. Wear a long dress and don't worry about the state of it in the pub. Accidents etc happen all the time (I got a load of grass stains on mine due to a picnic in a park) and dry cleaners will most likely get any and all stains out foe you afterwards.

Meirion Tue 16-Jul-19 09:42:32

Hi everyone

I'm newly engaged and we are looking at getting married in July 2020 (venues shortlisted but not finalised yet).

World of Wedding Planning is giving me anxiety and I have a couple of questions that I'm really hoping someone can help me with.

(1) Dress
I'm on a budget so that rules out the big bridal shops. I can see the cheapest option for a nice dress, even cheaper than the high street fashion stores, is to buy second hand on Facebook. I would have no problem wearing a second hand dress. However:

- I am nervous about buying a dress on the internet that I haven't tried on, especially since wedding dress sizes seem to be drastically different from normal clothes sizes. I don't want to spend £250 on a dress that then doesn't fit me or just looks terrible on me. Is buying online a stupid idea?

- I am a size 16 right now and I'm apple shaped. But I have been dieting since 1 July, I lost five pounds so far and have ambitions to lose another 30 by this time next year. But I have no idea how much I will actually lose. So I don't know whether to buy a dress that fits me now (which could be an 18-20 in wedding dress sizes) or wait until nearer the time. By that time I might have dropped a dress size or even two but I will be cutting it fine timewise which gives less room for error. Advice on this one?

- We have in mind two venues, one for the ceremony, one for the after party. The ceremony venue we are looking at is a beautiful house and I would love to wear a proper, long wedding dress. But my partner wants to have the after party in a function room in a pub which I agree makes total sense economically, however I am worried that a long dress will be ruined on a dirty pub floor. I am thinking maybe I should try to solve the problem by wearing a tea-length dress but then that would mean that I have to wear heels and I don't really want to because my feet will hurt all day. If I wear a long dress, I can wear flat shoes. Advice on this as well, please.

(2) The Other Issue
I don't really drink. I could see myself drinking two glasses of wine at most on the big day, esp as I probably will not feel like eating much at all. More than two glasses will be a bad idea and I will have a terrible hangover the next day. My partner drinks socially. He never drinks when he is with me, at most we might have 1 glass of wine each if we are eating in a restaurant. But when he is out with his male friends, they get sloshed. He has remarked several times that he is bored with drinking as an activity and has started coming home from these events a bit earlier to avoid unnecessary drinking, which I commend.

But his friends ... they are all quite young, in their 20s, they are a group of university friends, a gang of about half a dozen lads. They drink heavily on nights out or sporting events or whatever and think that getting hammered is a great idea. I am very worried about the way they are going to behave at our wedding. At first I thought we could confine them to the pub aspect of the wedding but no, apparently they are all very close friends and absolutely must attend the ceremony which is at a beautiful house with lovely furniture and paintings.

I would be mortified if anything at the house got damaged, plus we will have to pay the bill. Also, he just showed me a video of this group of friends on his phone the other day, they were watching cricket. They were very drunk, jumping around and shouting. I am nervous around drunk people, esp gangs of lads and this is the last thing I want at my wedding. I don't trust them to behave at the ceremony and I'm not really looking forward to the pub party in general because the last time we went to a wedding where there was heavy drinking and a disco, I ended up sitting at a table away from the dance floor and chatting to the old people. It was a long evening. I don't know if I want to go through that again at my own wedding, where I'm sitting on the sidelines, basically sober, chatting to Grandma and waiting for drunk guests to exhaust themselves so we can go home.

Advice, please? I am stressing. Please tell me if I'm worrying over nothing or what I should do.

tl;dr. Wedding dress confusion. Bride doesn't drink but groom's friends drink heavily and groom's family also regard drinking as the main activity at a party.

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