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Bride excludes me

(17 Posts)
Adviceneeded1986 Sun 14-Jul-19 02:17:30

Hi all,

Would really appreciate some honest advice as to whether I'm overreacting.

One of my bridesmaids, who is a very close friend didn't include me in her wedding which was a year and 1 week after mine.

A month after my wedding she put up a Facebook post about how her bridesmaids had said yes. I was a bit surprised that she hadn't mentioned anything to me and felt I had misread our friendship and was quite hurt to find out that way but accepted that she can have whoever she wants and it's her day. I did cry a lot at the time privately but it's her choice who stands up with her.

It was her birthday a few weeks after and I organised a group present and she could barely look at me and didn't really speak to me at it; I felt she was avoiding me. I then plucked up the courage afterwards to text her to say that I was a bit surprised to find out that I wasn't a bridesmaid through Facebook. She then wrote back to say she had too many good friends to pick from and she couldn't pick everyone. I was pretty hurt by this and don't think she realised this or maybe just thought I should just move on from it. She also didn't seem to get that it would have been nice not to find out through social media. I had thought she was a very close friend and had involved her so much in the wedding and very intimate moments.

After that, I decided I'd take a step back and give her some space. Her hen rolled around and it was overseas. I felt very tied about whether to go as I felt obliged given she had been such a close friend but it was going to be very expensive plus annual leave off too and it was 3 weeks before the wedding which was also a weekday. As a result, I text her to say I couldn't make it and she seemed a bit short but said she understood. Unfortunately, not many could go, so I felt bad about it but it was a huge expense and a lot of leave to take. She had a second local surprise hen which I went to and it was good fun.

This year was strange - it's like she was avoiding me but wanted me to attend to make up the crowd. Closer to the wedding, I was feeling pretty hurt by it all and just wanted to go to the wedding and then home after but she made a big deal about finding out where I was staying, which I think was to ensure that I didn't leave early.

The wedding day arrived and at the ceremony I realised there's 9 readers, one of them a friend in our group who she's not particularly close to. It felt like I was being punished for asking about why she didn't tell me I wasn't a bridesmaid. I had no involvement at all in her wedding and i just feel I'm really insignificant to her. I know everyone is busy at their wedding but she spoke to me for 2 seconds and she'd get into photos with everyone else, despite a year and a week previously having stood by my side. The wedding also felt like she was trying to outdo mine; a lot of stuff was the exact same but she had tons more things like bouncy castles etc. I found it quite hard to hold it together at the wedding and I'm not sure really how our friendship will revive. I feel I've lost a very good friend but I'm also very hurt too.

Any advice is much appreciated.

SausageEggAndSpam Sun 14-Jul-19 02:34:34

I would just walk away from her. Actually, at the moment I'm feeling pretty hormonal and bitchy and I want to tell you to go completely NC with her because she obviously thinks so little of you, she doesn't deserve a moment in your thoughts. But definitely walk away from her and stop contacting her, stop liking her stuff on social media etc.

snitzelvoncrumb Sun 14-Jul-19 02:47:49

If you are part of a social circle maybe be polite and friendly, but other than that just ignore her. You don't need someone like that in your life.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 14-Jul-19 02:59:01

I think you need to try to not take things so personally. It's really unlikely that she passive aggressively planned her wedding to be like yours but better. That's really sociopathic behaviour and normal people don't behave that way. Which means that maybe you interpret things a bit personally.

I've been a bride a couple of times and a bridesmaid a few and only one of the women overlaps as bridesmaid/bride. I've been a bridesmaid for brides I didn't ask to be mine and vice versa.

If you're weird about it, she'll be weird about it. I think organising a group present after you were so upset wasn't a good idea. It seems a little martyrish.

I can see you would be sad that you're closer to her than she appears to you. But that happens. Both ways round.

Adviceneeded1986 Sun 14-Jul-19 12:24:08

Thanks girls. Hadn't thought that i was maybe martyring myself but more that no one else really was organising it for, but maybe it did come across like that. Weddings are a minefield!

user1471449295 Sun 21-Jul-19 23:26:03

You’re making it all about you. You sound bitter and a little jealous. I’ve had a bridesmaid that hasn’t asked me to be one of hers. There are all diffferent reasons why. You quiesyooningnher probably pissed her off. I don’t know many people that would actually say that to a bride

user1471449295 Sun 21-Jul-19 23:26:33

Questioning I meant

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 21-Jul-19 23:30:50

I think this is a painful wake up call that she doesn’t value the friendship in the same way you do. She’s pulling away and it’s normal for you to notice this and feel hurt, and question things. Be polite and keep your distance from now on.

NINE readers? Sounds interminable.

Adviceneeded1986 Mon 22-Jul-19 00:38:49

I certainly didn't question her or her reasons. We all have our reasons as to why we pick certain people and not others. To announce it on social media, felt like she was rubbing it in my face. I had involved her in very intimate moments 4 weeks prior and she didn't even mention it. I find it hard for the friendship to just continue as is after that and a part of me wants to resolve it but that didn't really go well before

ContactLight Mon 22-Jul-19 00:45:03

9 readers? Ye gods that must have been cringeworthy and dull.

<misses point of thread>

SleepingStandingUp Mon 22-Jul-19 00:46:51

Your friendship isn't even and I think for your own sake you need to step back a bit, keep it civil as you have shared friends but don't out the effort in 121

However having organised a get together where she was basically rude, it's odd to then message her about the bridesmaid thing rather than the party.

Assuming everything she did was to get at you seems a massive over reaction, it's more likely she didn't think about yo u rather than getting up each morning and wondering what she could do wedding wise to annoy you

Echobelly Mon 22-Jul-19 00:58:58

It sounds like she handled this badly and shied away from dealing with it, hoping you'd be OK. If she had too many people to choose from, she should have taken the bull by the horns and told you straight of in a call or personal message (ideally before she announced anything) 'Advice, I am so thankful to you for letting me be your bridesmaid, but I wanted to let you know before I made anything public that I'm afraid I had too many people to choose from to be in my bridal party. But of course I really want you to come and share our wedding' or something like that. I think the awkwardness afterwards was because she felt guilty and didn't know how to deal.

Adviceneeded1986 Mon 22-Jul-19 01:09:05

I think you're right echo that she felt awkward about it and hoped it would just go away. I'll be able to keep a distance in the sense that I won't meet her one on one but I think it will be difficult in a group situation to not feel awkward but maybe that'll change over time.

ysmaem Mon 22-Jul-19 01:38:29

I think it's pretty evident that your friendship means more to you than it does to her. I think her actions have proven that she may be your friend but you're not as close to her as you thought you were. I wouldn't argue with her over this but I would definitely take a step or two back from the friendship

WomanLikeMeLM Mon 22-Jul-19 01:57:16

Its her wedding yabu, you chose who you wanted on your big day but are taking things so personally because you expected her to return the favour and have you in the bridal party. Get a grip woman, life is too short.

redkitesobright Mon 22-Jul-19 02:07:52

Just because you had someone as a bridesmaid doesn't mean you automatically get to be one at the other persons wedding. I don't think she did anything wrong and you've made it a bigger deal then it had to be.

ohcanada Tue 23-Jul-19 14:15:52

On your point of 'out-doing' your wedding... surely that's the point. You go to other weddings, see what you like, and then try and make it even better?!

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