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DSis registry office wedding

(11 Posts)
dayslikethese1 Thu 04-Jul-19 05:42:48

NC for this: My DSis is not having a 'wedding', her and her DP are just going down the registry office with 2 witnesses. Our DPs are separated and I think they just want to get the legal bit done and avoid all the drama and expense which is cool. I am not at all offended by this; the issue is my DF asked me about it and is annoyed he hasn't been invited and now I'm worried I've dropped my DSis in it. He kept asking if my DM and DSF were invited and I said I didn't think so as there's nothing really to be invited to (and now I'm panicking that maybe they're the witnesses though I thought not). Backstory is my DSis and DF were no contact for years and only recently have limited contact. He knew she was getting married already cos she'd mentioned it to him. I asked her beforehand what I should say if he asked about it and at first she said surely he wouldn't ask so could I just not mention it but he always asks about her and I told her that so she just said 'Don't worry it's not your problem'. So anyway now I'm panicking I've said the wrong thing and she's gonna be angry with me. Argh its always so awkward as she never wants to tell him anything but then I never know what's controversial to mention etc. and I don't like to lie even by omission cos it'll come out later and then he'll be angry at me. Sorry for the essay, I literally can't sleep worrying (and I realise the dynamics in our family are not good before anyone points it out!)

Birdie6 Thu 04-Jul-19 05:47:09

If the wedding is private with just two witnesses, then you can honestly say that nobody is invited - this isn't a slight against DF at all. I can understand you feeling as if you're stuck in the middle, but if he asks again I'd just say " well nobody is going so we're all in the same boat Dad " with a smile. Your sister is right - it's not your problem, so don't stress about it.

dayslikethese1 Thu 04-Jul-19 06:37:06

I'm worried that she's asked my DM/DSF to be the witnesses (this hadn't occurred to me before until he started asking all those questions). I know it's stupid to worry about it, I just always worry about saying the wrong thing with my family as it's a bit complicated/strained between various ppl.

Happynow001 Thu 04-Jul-19 06:49:36

Can you tell your father that you don't know the details and he's really best asking your sister these questions? She sounds like she's strong enough to be able to deal with his queries but, in any case, she's the one with the answers.

GotToGoMyOwnWay Thu 04-Jul-19 06:59:42

Oh dear - I would Just say, that you’ve no idea as you haven’t been invited or been given any details. Smile sweetly & say he should ask her.

nrpmum Thu 04-Jul-19 07:06:56

I'm worried that she's asked my DM/DSF to be the witnesses (this hadn't occurred to me before until he started asking all those questions

You don't know that, so you can honestly say that they aren't going as you don't know any different. If your sister does have them as witnesses it's on her.

BadnessInTheFolds Thu 04-Jul-19 07:17:43

It sounds rubbish and I do sympathise!

Honestly, I would just say that you don't want to get involved in the dynamic between him and your sister as it's obviously complicated and you would rather focus on building/maintaining a good relationship between the two of you. Every time.

"What's DSis up to at the moment?"
"You'll have to ask her Dad. Did I tell you about this thing I'm doing?"

"Who's going to DSis wedding?"
"Not sure and I don't want to get involved in a discussion about it. What are your plans for the weekend?"

"Is DM going to the wedding?"
"As I said, I'm not discussing it. Shall we go to that café next week?"

Etc etc

Be prepared to walk away (or put the phone down etc) if he keeps at it

For now, don't worry about what is said and done. He already knew she was getting married so you haven't let the cat out of the bag. Just focus on protecting yourself from this kind of stress in future. Eventually he'll get the message. Or if seriouslyhe won't expect your wishes in this, I'd seriously go VLC/NC.

Congrats to your sister!

BadnessInTheFolds Thu 04-Jul-19 07:19:33

My phone put extra 'seriously' in there!
But you know, I'm serious grin

dayslikethese1 Thu 04-Jul-19 12:33:57

thanks badness that is good advice. i do try and not be involved but i maybe need to be more assertive in changing the subject as you say and putting it back on them to talk to each other.

Beechview Thu 04-Jul-19 12:37:31

They’ve been nc til recently and ge’s offended he’s not invited to a quiet wedding? What does he expect??

It’s unfair to put you in the middle of this and he shouldn’t be doing it.

Cookit Fri 05-Jul-19 10:41:45

He’s stirring up trouble by asking you about it not just asking your DSis directly.
It sounds like she’s being very reasonable and not asking you to lie about it and you’ve told the truth and I don’t see how she could possibly have a problem. Don’t worry.

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