Cost of wedding

[Blackjackgum]

So; my brother I’m law is getting married to a girl, who the rest of the family don’t get on with.
They live 4 hours away, and whenever they visit, she’s rude, miserable, she can be in the house for 5 hours and not say a word.
They’ve recently booked their wedding; they are both notorious for poor communication and we have had to nag and nag for details about it.
Eventually brother in law tells us, it’s books for 5 in a county house where they live.
It’s £106 a night, and we need to book a car to drive down, it’s fallen on my hubby to drive, and that’s fine, because I love my parents in law and wouldn’t let them drove that far on their own, and we’ve also go my younger brother in law and his GF with us too; AND aunty and uncle.
We started looking at prices, and then they changed the wedding time to 1pm the NEXT day-that’s too close for us to drive down the morning of the wedding.
SO it’s now cost us £212 to stay 2 nights and £70 per couple to cover the car hire cost to get there.
We just paid it because I guess that’s what you do.
But for my little family of three-me, hubby and our 5 year old-were getting into BIG money.
AND now-they were just with us at the weekend, for the day, again, she didn’t say a word, wouldn’t play with us, even when we went it the park with her 3 kids, she just sat stoney faced.
Neither my husband nor his brother have been asked to be groomsmen or best man or anything- and weeks ago when my mum in law was trying to get info about suits etc we were told ‘oh yeah we’ll be hiring suits we’ll let you know’
Now they’ve said ‘we can’t afford suit hire (£75) so we need to you but this suit (£100)
And we’ll let you know later gets suit to but for your son when we’ve decided.
And I’m livid.
If we buy this, suit we will have spent £388 without even putting fuel in the car to get there.
I looked at food for the evening the night before the wedding and it’s minimum £15 a course.
So for three of us to attend this wedding,
And eat and even just have one drink, in two whole days! It’s going to cost us £433; that’s without the suit that they’re going to add to for my son.
And I just went to cry.
That’s a weeks holiday for my family of three.
And my mum in law agrees, but honestly said ‘just pay and we’ll just get through the day’
the Thing that annoys me the most is that my husband and son already have 2 lovely suits, they’re just not the colour the girl wants.
The thought of spending that money-especially on a day for someone who can’t even speak to me-is really and honestly keeping me awake at night.
Should I just suck it up?! Or should I push back, and just ask why can’t they wear they suits they have? And risk pushing off them and my mother in law, who is just desperate for peace? Help

[Banhaha]

Have you mentioned the suits to her? If not it might be worth asking. Especially if they aren't in the main bride or groom's party so they are just guests with no extra roles is that correct? If so it seems a bit much insisting on a new suit for guests. Have you tried mentioning that money's getting a bit tight? It might be best if it comes from OH rather than you as it's his family.

Or you could take the financial hit but count that as their wedding present?

[Blackjackgum]

Yes, you've got it right, both brothers have not been given been extra duties, they are just guests at the wedding; if anything I think the only reason the suit thing has come up, is because if she doesn't do that, my husbands family are not included in any way at all.
I totally agree, it's better not coming from me, it would be better from my OH; he's just of the 'let's get through it' mentality.
My OH and I are fighting about it, because he's so torn, he knows we can't afford it, but wants to pay it just to keep the peace;
We're an unhappy house at the moment!

[Banhaha]

It is so tough sometimes around weddings and money so I feel for you! It's a fine line between putting your foot down politely and upsetting some people and you can never tell how they willbreact!

Maybe your husband could say something about how it's really nice to have been thought of but they really don't mind wearing their own suits and it would save money on something they'd not wear again?

Or saying you'd rather save some money so you had some left to spend on a nice present? (You'd then have to get them a nice present though so I'm not sure it would!)

[Blackjackgum]

I've not been to many weddings! Maybe this is a good thing!
Thank you for your advice! I really don't want the day to be clouded, but I'm afraid it's going to be;
That's a good idea to get hubby to softly, softly talk with his brother; I wouldn't mind buying a present because I can get them something lovely for less than £100!!
Think I've managed to talk hubby into broaching it with his brother; because, the funny thing is; I think his brother will understand, it's his fiancée that won't!

[SleepingStandingUp]

Honestly your DP needs to say look bro, we've all got suits. As we're not in the bridal party, that's what we'll be wearing.
You can't dictate what clothes your guests wear.
At most I'd find out the colour and then try Primark etc for a cheap version

[Blackjackgum]

@sleepingstandingup

I like your honesty!
I feel like that's all that needed to be said; and it would have been dealt with; this pussyfooting is causing such a rift.
Open and honest usually deals to these things before rifts arise.

But my lovely OHs family like to bury things not deal to them!

[Eliza9919]

I wouldn't go.

IF I did, I wouldn't by getting matching suits if dh isn't a groomsman/best man. What do they need matching suits for?

[rookiemere]

My nephew pulled this stunt about suits. DH ended up spending £150 on a tacky suit he'll never wear again, I was told by B2B that we could sell it on ebay after the wedding. Such a waste when he has lovely expensive suits already.

Just turn up in your own outfits. What are they going to do - turn you away? Arrive late on first evening and have your meal on the way. Do you have to stay in the wedding hotel - we forked out a fortune for nephews wedding turned out most of the other guests decamped to the nearest Premier inn.

Do what suits you, but don't mention it unless you have to.

[Blackjackgum]

Thanks guys;
I would love to not go at all; but as we’re the taxi for the whole side of his family-I’m roped in!
Same goes for the hotel-it’s already paid for-mum in law was secretly hoping that we would get the brother in law to ourselves the night before the wedding, that we could have dinner with as a low key stag night (he’s not allows a proper stab) but as it turns out, she’s going to be ‘busy’ getting ready, and he now has all three of her children (I say that in the nicest way, he’s really proud to be gaining this new family but non of the children are his and their mum Just sucks as a parent) and has said they will be ‘in the way’ with her.
So we’re actually babysitting the night before - it’s just getting beyond a joke now!

It seems my OH has settled on buying the suit now; we’re having too many arguments about it; so I’ve resigned to it.
It’s all going to blow up again in a few months though, because they’ve deigned to tell us
‘We’ll let you know in July/August what suit we want you to buy’ for my son-a 6 year old!!! Urgh! I don’t want to buy him a frigging suit!!!
So....the end of the story is...I’m going to be at least £500 out of pocket to suit a miserable spoilt girl who has put a big divide between the family she is marrying into.
Moral? I should have spoken up long before this happened; and now it’s bit me in the butt.
Don’t bury your feelings for others.
Cos me burying this is going to rot me from the inside.

[Eliza9919]

Put your foot down and bring some common sense back into the situation.

[Eliza9919]

If you don't now, She'll think she can dictate terms from now til forever more.

[Blackjackgum]

Update!!! It’s way worse!
My husband didn’t say anything and a few days ago we got a message with the link to the suit they want for my 5 year old son.
Full suit and waistcoat etc AND shoes! I’m bloody livid! It’s another £100.
So now, £544, and that’s a kind estimate because of the expensive food at the hotel, it’s going to be closer to £600.
My husband and I have fallen out because he wouldn’t talk to his brother, my mum in law and I have fallen out because i spoke to her and she thinks we should just pay it.
I guess I’m going to have to swallow it. I can’t change it now.
I’m just venting here really because I can’t get any sense from the family who just want to bury the resentment and be out of pocket!

[choli]

Honestly just say no. Tell your husband to say no. This is within your control, you don't have to go along with it. Neither do you have to be taxi to the whole family if you choose not to go.

[Blackjackgum]

Choli ... I hear you, but I honestly feel like my hands are totally tied. I’m so upset by it, because they totally have us over a barrel, I couldn’t NOT take my parents in law to their sons wedding, and they won’t come and get them, so we’re just going to have to pay for it and I’m going to have to try and not let it eat me up.

[PirateWeasel]

If your PILs are so blase about you chucking money around for this wedding, they can blooming well spend some of their own and get a taxi. Why are people so entitled?! This really has gone on long enough, OP. Are your DH and his family going to be pandering to your hideous SIL forever? Even if you don't feel able to put your foot down on everything, you must make a stand somewhere.

[loobywench]

I would just be honest and tell them you cannot afford to buy the suits. If they really want you there they will understand.

[CherryPavlova]

One wouldn’t usually do more than give a suggested dress code for wedding guests. It’s very odd to decide on what a child wears. It would usually just be morning dress or lounge suit on the invitation.
Just turn up in whatever you want to wear that is reasonable. Obviously if your husband was best man there might be a desire for a more coordinated approach. Is she telling you what to wear too?

My future son in law is having his morning suit made but won’t expect others to match - even the best man can just wear his own suit. My son is an usher and will be in uniform and my husband won’t be buying a new morning suit unless he can’t get into his. My daughter’s boyfriend is also an usher but will wear his old school uniform.

Maybe she senses your dislike or is shy? Can you not talk to her about the costs? Is there no Travelodge nearby? A taxi and cheaper accommodation might work out cheaper all round.

[ineedaholidaynow]

If they really want that suit they can pay for it

[BackforGood]

I agree with everyone else.
Just tell them you won't be buying the suits as you can't afford it, and they already have nice suits so there is no need.
If a B&G want people to wear specific clothes, then they need to buy them.

However, you seem to have just 'gone along with' demands so far.
If the wedding isn't until 1pm, then a 4 hour drive in the morning isn't ideal, but it certainly would be doable if budget dictates.

You didn't have to book in at the place they are having the wedding - surely there is a B&B or an Air BnB or a travel Lodge or Premier Inn close enough to be workable (even if it were for the night before, and you treated yourselves on the night of the wedding).

I do get that you'd prefer it was your OH talking directly to his brother and parents, but, if I didn't have the money and, quite frankly even if I did then I would be speaking up about how much of our family's budget I was prepared to use on attending the wedding.

[Blackjackgum]

So! Update! We bought the suit, we paid the taxi and the hotel, and then they sent us a message to show us the suit they wanted my 5 year old son to wear.
It was £120 complete with shoes!!’
So my husband finally put his foot down!
Our son just wore his own suit, and they all looked fine!
When we go to the church, my BIL told my husband, ‘so you just need to stand here with me, hold the rings, look after the two boys, be my witness, and you can’t sit with your wife (me!)
So, my husband became best man essentially, without even being asked or any warning.
The woman he is marrying has three children of her own, and when we got to the reception, they had sat her three children in our table!
So we also ended up babysitters for the evening, again, without even checking with us!
They had no toys, or anything to entertain their kids, so I had to go to our room and bring all my boys toys down for them.
I spent the night, being Mary poppins, and my new sister in law member said one word to me, the whole weekend! Not one single word!
And to top it all off, my BIL gave my husband a thank you card with a gift for him and our son. Nothing for me!
I have learnt a LOT of things from this whole event.
I should have spoken up sooner, regardless of whether it was going to cause fights, no person is more than any other in a family.
My little family spent all up £500 for a wedding, it would have been £600 if we had bought the suit for our son.
That’s just stupid money, we’ve had a weeks holiday for less.
I definitely feel like, had I spoken up sooner, I would not have sat without my husband in the church, I would NOT have ended up being a free babysitter for them and I would have been able to have some sort of relationship with my new sister in law.
As it stands, there has been so much bad blood, it won’t ever be the same!
So I guess my point is, don’t let money come between family!
Thanks guys for your advice...I should have come here sooner!