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I despair- Fellow bridesmaids and MOH have done nothing

(48 Posts)
Chitterchatter51 Wed 15-Aug-18 12:35:37

I am a bridesmaid for my friend, there are 2 other bridesmaids and 1 maid of honour. We have all met before but do not know each other very well at all. Our friend getting married is the only link between us.

Anyway, we were tasked several months ago with planning the hen weekend and we are still no closer to finalising it. Once the bride announced she would like us to plan it, I assumed the MOH would be in touch to get organising. I was a MOH last year and I planned the hen party.
A few weeks went by and didn't hear a peep out of her. So I set up a group whatsapp with the 4 of us and tried to get the ball rolling... nothing. I made suggestions and they would reply saying 'yeah sounds great, she would really like that'. We agreed she would love a long weekend somewhere hot (we already knew this as she had said).

But since then I have put forward everything; potential dates/flights/accomodation/prices to be met with 'yeah sounds great' but nobody else has put any actual suggestions forward. Not a single suggestion.

A couple of weeks ago I found an amazing villa, and put to them the cost along with the flights- they all said it sounded fantastic. In fact we even reserved the villa (free cancellation thank god). So with their approval I set up another group chat with the other ladies the bride would like to invite (10 in total) and put forward the plan there. Almost everyone said it sounded great and would need to check the dates. A week passes and I haven't heard back from anyone. I chase them up last night and almost everyone says it's too expensive- understandable but slightly annoying as everyone has known Bride would like to go abroad and have previously expressed genuine interest in going abroad in the last couple of months.

Then, 1 of my fellow bridesmaids complains that it is too expensive for her- absolutely fine but why on earth didn't she say before? When i suggested the villa? When I went to reserve the villa? When I said I was going to let the other ladies know about it? She was really positive at that point. I had asked what her ideal budget would be previously but she never bothered to reply.

I am about to loose my rag as no one has even bothered to come up with anything along this whole process. Even after saying the original plan isn't in their budget- they haven't bothered to look at alternatives. Last night I was googling cheaper alternatives until 1 in the morning. Maid of Honour has done nothing- although she has messaged me separately to say sorry it's all come down to me, she's never planned a trip abroad with so many people (NEITHER HAVE I!!). I am currently going through a very difficult time, my mother is very unwell and this week I have even been off work with stress. I work full time and have been caring for my mother some evenings and weekends- the other three work part time/don't work at all. People have told me to take a step back, but I honestly believe if I do, my lovely friend won't get any kind of hen party sad HELP!!!

Tonight I am meeting with bride to tell her how I'm feeling. I don't want to 'dob anyone in' but I am really struggling. I am so worried she will be disappointed sad

If you've read this far I salute you, tbh I feel a bit better after just typing my rant out!

OP’s posts: |
LeroyJenkins Wed 15-Aug-18 12:38:34

They can't afford a weekend away, so suggest a meal out in the bride's home town

Saymaname Wed 15-Aug-18 12:40:36

People are very annoying. Half my wedding invite list have ignored my rsvp date. It’s sounds like you’ll need to think smaller if you’re not getting any support for the abroad idea?

Andtheresaw Wed 15-Aug-18 12:41:48

When is the wedding/hen?
Unless it is in the lnext 3 months and you are running out of time to book you are being massively unreasonable. You are overstepping your responsibilities here and will alienate the other BMs and MOH.
You aren't MOH. Other BMs have said they a villa abroad is too expensive. Why are you taking this on?
When you see your friend (bride) tonight, instead of moaning about the others, try to get her to tell you what she wants: would she rather have something expensive that only a few can come to, or something cheaper with everyone? If it is into 2019 then say nothing. There's lots of time to get it sorted and you are going to stir up bad feeling.

megletthesecond Wed 15-Aug-18 12:43:19

Flights and villas are expensive and will use up their annual leave.
Plan a weekend, or day and evening out in the UK instead.

PlateOfBiscuits Wed 15-Aug-18 12:44:58

Don’t go abroad. Do something like a spa day instead.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Wed 15-Aug-18 12:45:21

Can you not lay it on the line for them one final time?

''Hello all, I'm getting concerned that nothing has been planned yet. Firstly we need to decide budget ASAP as there is some concern about this. Bride would like to go abroad but I get the feeling that is beyond everyone's budget - is this right? Once we know the budget we can come up with an initial plan and then we should each have a responsibility because this is too much to expect one person to do alone.''

I'd personally do tough love before getting the bride involved.

Can you arrange to all sit down together or are the distances difficult?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Wed 15-Aug-18 12:47:18

I f you feel you must do something helpful, I would focus on managing the bride's expectations.

Book a meal local to her. Find a local spa and give peop!e the option of going to spa(or other activity)/meal or both.

Going away for the weekend is too much to expect people to pay for and gives people who can't afford it or have child care responsibilities no flexibility. They either go to everything or nothing. The reason that you had no initial response is because the other guests don't really want to go.

Chitterchatter51 Wed 15-Aug-18 12:48:13

Thing is, after they came back to me, I said let's scale it down and do something in the UK- they said 'oh no no no we will find something abroad, we just need cheaper accommodation' ... but they don't bother looking for anything. Again I have asked what their budget is.. no replies.

OP’s posts: |
SassitudeandSparkle Wed 15-Aug-18 12:52:54

They don't want to go somewhere hot for the weekend. Leave it to the MOH, and don't moan to the bride!

Chitterchatter51 Wed 15-Aug-18 12:55:48

Andthersaw- it is in 6 months time. The Bride is like me she likes to have things booked well in advance. I know from her partner she is getting stressed that nothing has been booked. Yes I do feel I am overstepping my responsibilities, but only because the other BMs and MOH have not contributed at all. The villa is something the bride wanted, the BMs and MOH were all on board with, they were happy with the price and all got really excited. I will not be 'moaning about the others' because I do not want to stress her out but I do need to let her know I am struggling to coordinate this with my personal situation.

I have suggested spa day/night out/cottage weekend but despite their concern of price, they are still insisting we go abroad and yet don't look at anything. sad

OP’s posts: |
RiverTam Wed 15-Aug-18 12:58:10

I reckon that absolutely no-one apart from the bride and the OP actually want to do anything lavish for the hen do (why on earth would they??) but no-one wants to say so.

Stop being such a martyr and get on with your own life. The bride can sort this out if she really wants to.

Talith Wed 15-Aug-18 13:03:46

Silence is usually a sign that people don't want to do something. The bride might want to go overseas but to be honest unless you're all loaded it's a hell of an outlay - it's going to run into 100s each at the very least.

Find a spa hotel and a nice restaurant - say you're all out of ideas and so unless someone else wants to find something, that's the plan.

Also don't spend a bloody penny unless you get their money up front, I've done two hen dos and both left me out of pocket.

You can dress a spa weekend up into something really lovely if you have a bigger budget (which is possible if overseas was an option) - hire a classic car for her to be driven to the restaurant, get a cake professionally made, cocktails etc.

Hadalifeonce Wed 15-Aug-18 13:05:11

I don't think I would say anything to the bride............. yet, but I would put on the group chat, something like 'Great, waiting to hear what you find', that clearly puts to ball into someone else's court, without being adversarial.

IsTheRainEverComingBack Wed 15-Aug-18 13:05:51

They can’t afford to spent hundreds of pounds going away for the weekend, the bride might want to but these do’s are just so unfair on people who want to celebrate with the bride but can’t afford it. Tell the bride it’s out of peoples price range and you’ll plan one day/night that people can afford.

IsTheRainEverComingBack Wed 15-Aug-18 13:06:50

It’s very hard for many people to admit they can’t afford something. That’s why it’s selfish for people to just assume people can afford to spend hundreds on someone else’s party.

VoteHillary Wed 15-Aug-18 13:10:13

If people REALLY wanted to do a weekend away then they would be biting your hand off. Read between the lines. Organise a meal and cocktails evening somewhere easily accessible to the hen party.

SillySallySingsSongs Wed 15-Aug-18 13:10:26

I reckon that absolutely no-one apart from the bride and the OP actually want to do anything lavish for the hen do (why on earth would they??) but no-one wants to say so.

^ this.

The bride might want certain things but has to accept that not everyone wants to go abroad. It costs ££ and uses up too much of people's leave.

Tbh it's unfair of her to expect them to.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby Wed 15-Aug-18 13:14:17

i wouldn't worry about it as a bm until two/three months before, you've asked nobody's really giving you any info for you to 'help out', I understand the need to be organised am the same, but id just leave it to the maid of honor I'd message her something like, hi ... I'm not sure what the plans are for .... Hen do, can you let me know as soon as you have a plan for me to book time off work/ get childcare sorted/sort out my costs thanks

Chitterchatter51 Wed 15-Aug-18 13:21:20

Hi thanks everyone for the help. Can I just say, these girls are insisting on an abroad hen weekend, it's not coming from just me. We collectively decided that's what we would try and do. Since I suggested doing something in the UK instead, they are still saying they want to go abroad. But they do not look at any deals. I think I am going to take a step back from this.

OP’s posts: |
Seeingadistance Wed 15-Aug-18 13:22:08

Doesn't seem so long ago that a hen night was simply a meal out and/or a pub crawl!

So much easier!

RiverTam Wed 15-Aug-18 13:24:55

But are they insisting because they know this is what the bride wants to do and no-one fancies telling her that actually, no-one else really wants to do this?

I think the whole set up is a bit odd, tbh - that none of the BMs know each other I mean.

I would indeed step back.

Chitterchatter51 Wed 15-Aug-18 13:28:19

River Tam, you may be right. At the end of the day we all want her to have a good time- whatever we do!

Yes it is an unusual mix. Thanks for the advice

OP’s posts: |
OVienna Wed 15-Aug-18 13:29:35

I think the responses to you have been unfair. I feel like you are trying to do your best in a situation that isn't ideal, on behalf of a friend you care about. But I am also the sort of person who would have just said it was too expensive at the time as well.

You are getting NO clarity from these girls and are being expected to use your intuition around what they may or may not want to do. I agree not responding MAY mean they don't want to go. But many of them could be delighted someone else is sorting it all and would be planning to pay in good time, when they get around to it, when it's convenient for THEM.

If it were me I would have just said on the What's App something to the effect of - these are just some thoughts, looking forward to hearing your suggestions etc and backed away from it all. I think the bride needs to step up and I'd be telling her tonight that you think having made the suggestions you need to step back because you dn't want to overstep/offend anyone.

craftymum01 Wed 15-Aug-18 13:38:30

I think OP is getting a bit of a hard time on this one. She isn't insisting in anything, the other people are but aren't contributing. I think having a word with the bride about her expectations would be an idea, then you aren't naming names but making it clear nothing has been sorted as budgets are tight. I agree with what @itsniceitsdifferentitsunusual wrote. I have organised hen dos before and getting answers and money out of people is a nightmare. Go in firmly and start allocating jobs to the others to do to share the load.

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