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Last Minute 'Guilt' Invite. Just want what's best for the Bride.

(16 Posts)
KerryAnnRanRan Mon 16-Jul-18 23:43:52

Hey Brides to be.
Just got a last minute text from a really old friend inviting us to their wedding 12 days before their ceremony.
What is the Bride really thinking- shall we go or not. I feel this invite has come from some sort of weird guilt. But I genuinely want what's best for her.
I politely said ' oh you don't need to add stress, don't worry about us, stick to your original plans we will see you after, can't get our girls a babysitter so on so on'
She has replied 'I really want you there, your children welcome too' (they are not having sit down meal/table plans so can be quite relaxed about this)
I just want to do the right thing.

I was shocked we wasn't originally invited. Then I heard it was just a small ceremony- fair enough. Then I heard more and more 'randoms' were going plus work colleagues.
Husband and I had our suspicions why but that's their choice.
Just got back from her hen do away (amazing funny time) and all the other hens are invited to the ceremony making jokes and included me in them as I had known her one of the longest they just assumed I would be there. I smiled and just joined in so there was no weirdness.
I feel like I knew it was coming but don't know how to reply.

I feel a bit of a hypocrite if I go as I Expressed my shockedness at the time to mutual friends- and what we are all of a sudden there?

If your about to get married in 12 days and suddenly invite old friends is it genuine? I just want what's best for them. She knows I've read her what's app message but yet to reply!
I don't want to leave her hanging. My head hurts. Thanks.

OP’s posts: |
faofjamp Mon 16-Jul-18 23:48:03

I'd say if your gut says don't go, don't go. you might feel weird when you're there! just say you have something else booked you didn't realise about that you can't change.

BackforGood Tue 17-Jul-18 00:03:12

I differ from a lot of MNers on this.

My thinking is - if you want to go, then go. If this person is a friend and you will enjoy the day, then go.
If you won't enjoy the day / don't like this person then don't go. (I presume not the case if you went to her hen do).
Yes, I presume some space has become available as someone else can't go, but so what? It's not secret in life that you can only have up to a set number at a venue, and some people have bigger families, or mix in several different friendship groups etc.
I don't fret about being only the '61st closest person to the Bride and Groom' as opposed to being the 60th - the line has to fall somewhere. now numbers 34 and 35 have dropped out, she is able to invite 61 and 62. To me, that's great news . But then, I like a wedding or a party or any sort of get together with people I like.
I am not professionally offended like some posters.

KerryAnnRanRan Tue 17-Jul-18 07:50:59

We would love to go, she's been in my husbands life since they were both 15 (now 40) and she is so fun & we are really looking forward to the reception. We don't really care what others think other than the Bride & groom.
And I've already tried to turn her sudden u turn text invite down and she's replied she would still like to us to come.
So I think we will go. Just need a suitable reply.
What 'niggles' us is we get the impression the groom don't want us there & don't want to spoil it for her if he's got the 'hump' we are now going. Maybe we should just hide at the back and avoid photos.

OP’s posts: |
ZaphodBeeblerox Tue 17-Jul-18 08:12:36

Just go! Presumably if her fiancé genuinely doesn’t like you for whatever reason then she’s had some kind of discussion with him before inviting you. If she’s had to argue and have some kind of discussion it would feel frustrating if after that you declined, and she’d Lose face sort of with her husband to be. Does that sort of make sense? Don’t feel I’m being v articulate.
And you were meant to be going to reception so just go along and celebrate the ceremony too!

KerryAnnRanRan Tue 17-Jul-18 08:56:29

Yes. That totally makes sense. I will reply as soon as I'm at my desk. Thank you all.

OP’s posts: |
TokenBritPoshOfCourse Tue 17-Jul-18 09:01:09

I reckon there’s ‘history’ from the teenage years with your DH, could even be just a snog, and her dh2b vetoed you to start with. And now there’s space so she’s overruled him.

I’d go.

CrabappleBiscuit Tue 17-Jul-18 09:01:09

Just go and have fun. Weddings are weird things. But really it shouldn’t be any more complicated than running up and celebrating.

TokenBritPoshOfCourse Tue 17-Jul-18 09:03:18

I say that because that’s what my ex did, I wasn’t allowed any of my oldest friends because I’d got off with most of them during my wild child phase grin

DoTheCabinetShuffle Tue 17-Jul-18 14:02:28

Everyone's different but I see sending an invite to a wedding with 12 days notice as rude. It's clear you were not on the A, B (or C?) list and now they are filling the spaces of the drop outs. It happened to me before (10 days notice) we hadn't seen them in years, but it just didn't sit well with me that we weren't considered earlier on - I think around 4-5 weeks before should be a cut off for sending the last round of invites out.

Emily7708 Tue 17-Jul-18 14:12:36

She’s inviting you so late in the day because others have dropped out and she wants to fill the venue. No more to it than that - you and your family were on the reserve (or second/third reserve) list.

If you are happy with that scenario then by all means go. At this stage she probably is genuinely willing to accommodate you all to get more bums on seats.

I wouldn’t go, but then again I wouldn’t have gone to the hen night without being invited to the wedding.

KerryAnnRanRan Tue 17-Jul-18 19:04:43

I sort of agree with that TokenBrit, whilst my OH wasn't one of them. She was the tomboy of their childhood but managed to cop off with a lot of them. And they are all still close. And her hubs2be is such a jealous guy. (Bordering mind game abusive, hid her hen suitcase so she wouldn't go etc)

Size of her venue isn't an issue (I've been Before- this we believe is another reason for lack of invite from what we have heard) so the two could of invited us from the start.
Also no table plan- it's street food trucks.

I do agree sending a what's app message is fairly rude (why not text can we meet for a coffee? I'm dropping bunting around this week to her- why not ask us then) the 12 day before thing is just unlucky. I think if the hen do had been 6weeks ago or one week before. I think we would of got an invite after that.

No normally I wouldn't attend the 'away' hen do as a reception guest but the hen do was organised before we received invite to wedding and I mean we are such golden oldies that I foolishly believed we would be there. I considered pulling out but When I found out it was a small wedding only just family & bridesmaids. I thought ah no I will go she's a super old mate and I had a small wedding of 30people (including her and her 'new' boyf) so understood. Just pissed me off when I found out mr & mrs joe bloggs & ex work colleagues had been invited.

Zaphod sold it to me and we have replied 'we will come' as I can imagine her fighting our corner to him shutting her down and if we turned around and said no- it's another thing he can laugh/rub in her face (it's a super unhealthy relationship in my opinion but I've got to be there for her)

Corrrr sorry about essay.

OP’s posts: |
LoveInTokyo Tue 17-Jul-18 19:42:57

Ugh, sounds complicated.

I think I would just go and try to put this weirdness behind you.

LoveInTokyo Tue 17-Jul-18 19:47:16

Just read your latest post. Sounds like she might well appreciate your friendship a few years down the line when she is getting divorced from this guy.

Caribbeanyesplease Tue 17-Jul-18 19:48:59

You had your suspicions

What were they?

ZaphodBeeblerox Tue 17-Jul-18 22:57:23

Glad you’re going! Hope the wedding is fun for you and DH.. street food trucks sounds quite up my alley tbh.

And yes, sounds a bit like she’d appreciate the friendship if/when things go a bit pear shaped. And you sound like a chilled out lovely friend!

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