Name on invite error

[Helpmeplan]

I don't know if I'm being ridiculous or not but today I got a call from mil telling me that bil and his wife are cross with me because I worded their invite to 'Mr & Mrs X X' and sil has not changed to Mrs x x. I did not know this. When they married last year she changed her name on Facebook, and they have never mentioned not changing her name before, even when I was talking about whether or not I can be arsed to change mine or not.

I don't think I should apologise, given that I didn't know and can't read minds. Is that unreasonable of me?

[Doje]

Don't make it into a big deal. Say sorry, and tell them it was because of the FB thing and you shouldn't have presumed. Squish it before it becomes a big thing.

[HirplesWithHaggis]

It wouldn't hurt to give them a quick call, not a massive apology but just to say, "Sorry, I didn't know." No point falling out.

[Helpmeplan]

You're right. I just think its ridiculous as literally no one knew but them!

[TooTrueToBeGood]

In their place, if they'd mentioned it to me directly I'd apologize as a courtesy. Hearing about them allegedly being miffed via a 3rd party I would do nothing whatsoever.

[TooTrueToBeGood]

In your place, meant to say.

[Helpmeplan]

Will talk to dp. His brother if he feels the need he can apologise he won't

If it was the other way round I wouldn't bat an eyelid

[DressDrama]

Agree with TooTrueToBeGood - if they'd contacted you directly to point out the error of course you could respond apologising; I wouldn't bother given they don't have the decency to do that.

People need to chill out - they got married, she changed her last name on FB, you addressed the invite to them as Mr + Mrs X .... and you're in the wrong somehow? Are they generally fickle people?

[Veterinari]

Why in earth has she changed her FB profile to a name she forsn’t Want people to use?

[NC4Now]

Oh god, this isn’t worth any more thought than a quick text.
“Sorry, I hadn’t realised you kept your name. Hope you weren’t offended.”
And then make sure it’s right on the table plan, if you’re having one.

[Namesallgone18]

It’s odd to think that in 2018 not changing your name is a sign of “cant be arsed” rather than a sign of being a feminist.

[user2085372673]

Why on earth would you not just apologise and forget about it? You can think she’s ridiculous behind her back.

[DevilsDoorbell]

Ate you sure mil not shit stirring?

[SuperSuperSuper]

A quick apologetic text will be fine, as NC4Now suggested.

How odd to change your name on social media but nowhere else.

[Helpmeplan]

Names I'm not a feminist, just resent paying out to change the name on my passport and completing all the paperwork. Really my surname matters not a jot to me, or anyone else. So personally it is down to whether or not I can be arsed to change my surname.

Saw both my bil and sil at pil today at lunch and it was mentioned so I apologised, but did explain I didn't know and made an assumption based on her Facebook. She was a bit shirty, and there was an indication that they might not come to our wedding but I think there are other issues between pil and them that we don't know about because there was an atmosphere between them when they turned up. To be honest if they're going to get het up over a mistake I didn't even know I'd made they are welcome to stay away.

[Namesallgone18]

Good luck with your marriage, presumably you’ll be happy to obey your dh, support his career at the expense of your own and not expect to share household chores - since you don’t believe men and women are fully equal.

[Helpmeplan]

Wow names. What an assumption.

As it happens we are 24 years in, 2 grown up children later with an equal footing on the career ladder thanks to the help of his parents who helped hugely with child care, especially as my h2b is a chef and works very shitty hours in comparison to my 9-5 office but niche work.

We do, and have always shared chores unless he has been covering holiday (he is a head chef) and been working ridiculous hours - think 6 weeks non stop.

We discuss everything and make decisions in our life together. My taking, or not taking his name is literally nothing to do with feminism and everything to do with the time, effort and money it takes to change these documents.

So, in summary names, sod off back to the feminist board. I'm secure enough in my own life and skin not to need anyones input on that front.

[Helpmeplan]

My concern was more should I apologise for effectively something I did not do wrong to keep the peace, as it turns out it effectively resolved itself yesterday.

[Doobigetta]

You need to calm down. Seriously, if you're getting so rattled about an honest mistake and a silly woman's over-reaction, you are not going to enjoy the run-up to your wedding.
And there was no need to be so rude to namesallgone. Feminism isn't a niche thing, we don't get kept in a little box to avoid polluting other areas. If you're going to make stupid statements you should expect to get called on it wherever you make them.

[Racecardriver]

@Names people can believe the sexes are equal without being feminists just like they can believe that God exists without being Christian. You don't get dibs.

[Helpmeplan]

Not rattled Doobi by sil, just didn't want the boat rocked. In relation to the feminist dig, well I probably did bite back, but names really has no idea about my relationship, and my post wasn't about taking dps name. Plenty of debates on that already.

[Helpmeplan]

Doobi what stupid statement did I make? My name does not change the dynamics of my relationship if you are referring to the fact I don't know if I can be bothered to change my name.

[OverTheHedgeHammy]

I think she's referring to you saying you aren't a feminist.

I saw that and I thought WTF? I think you have an odd notion of what being a feminist is about if you are have what is obviously a very equal relationship, yet you claim to not be a feminist.

[Showergel1]

Easy assumption to make seeing as you've read it online and it's something she was advertising on Facebook for friends to see.

At least you made the effort even if it was wrong. We've received two invitations and a thank you card which were just addressed to first names (we're both female). The thank you card was the worst as it was signed in her new married name. I remember that lovely feeling of my new married name too, please use it on the envelope as is customary!

[Doobigetta]

I think she's referring to you saying you aren't a feminist.

Yep.

[Veterinari]

I'm not a feminist
people can believe the sexes are equal without being feminists just like they can believe that God exists without being Christian. You don't get dibs.

Umm.. if you believe in a Christian god you are Christian, if you believe in a different religion’s god then you’d be of that particular religious faith.

If you believe in political, economic, personal, and social equality of sexes then you hold feminist beliefs. Why the denial and antagagonism? believing in equality if the sexes is perfectly reasonable!