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Totally Overwhelmed (huge rant probably makes no sense)

(28 Posts)
PixelDust Sun 01-Apr-18 12:49:52

I am getting married in April 2020 (h2b has fixed holidays so have to plan around them). I have no idea where to start!

We have seen a venue that I totally love but my DM has been pushing for another (has been since we got engaged) and wants me to go and see it. I have went into petulant teenager mode now because she keeps pushing it. Do we go and see it just to make her happy? If I genuinely don't like it she will think its because she wants it.

I have no idea about colours or what flowers. How do you know these things?

We are very lucky to have my parents contributing a large amount (£10K) and we will be paying the rest but we have had no input from his parents. I don't want to be rude and ask if they are contributing because well thats just rude. They just don't seem interested in the planning at all. Is it different for the grooms parents?

Also my niece will be at our wedding at will be 3 nearly 4 who watches her when we are eat our meal? Her dad, GM and GD will be at the top table and her mum won't be there (parents aren't together)

I am totally over thinking things aren't I?

OP’s posts: |
annandale Sun 01-Apr-18 12:55:42

In the nicest possible way, yes you are. This way every decision is going to be painful.

Your niece is your db's responsibility. She should have a place at the top table to be with her dad. Warning that she will eat a few mouthfuls of her dad's food but you will be charged at least 50% of an adult's place by your caterers unless you are a top negotiator. Consider a proper stand up buffet with plenty of chairs around, it eliminates all the table/seating plan issues straight away.

Go and see your mum's venue idea, don't refuse things just because, but if you don't like it don't book it and don't stress over what she is thinking about.

ScreamingValenta Sun 01-Apr-18 13:00:08

Relax - you have two years to sort all this out.

If I'd accepted a large financial contribution from my parents, I wouldn't think it unreasonable for them to have some input into the choice of venue, so I think you should at least go to see the one your DM likes.

Browse images online for inspiration on colours and flowers etc.

Not sure why you should expect a contribution from the groom's parents - it would be extremely rude to ask for one.

Can't your niece sit with her dad and grandparents?

PixelDust Sun 01-Apr-18 13:03:49

annandale We don't want to have a buffet for our wedding breakfast as we will be having one in the evening. Good idea about her sitting at the top table

ScreamingValenta In my family and friend group it is normal for each family to pay a 1/3 (both sets of parents and us) as I said we wouldn't ask them as that is just rude.

OP’s posts: |
ScreamingValenta Sun 01-Apr-18 13:08:59

If it's normal in your circles for the groom's parents to pay 1/3, I'm not sure why you've asked in your OP whether it's 'different for the groom's parents'.

If it's the done and accepted thing, can't your fiance talk to his parents about what their plans are?

PixelDust Sun 01-Apr-18 13:17:48

ScreamingValenta Sorry I meant is it normal for Groom's parents not to be that interested.

It's an awkward conversation to have with them. Our relationship with our parents are completely different.

My parents are very generous and are happy to get involved. They told us how much they were going to give us with us even talking about it.

His parents on the other hand are totally different.

OP’s posts: |
ScreamingValenta Sun 01-Apr-18 13:25:44

In that case, I think I'd plan and budget assuming no contribution will be forthcoming from the groom's parents and if they later decide to give you something, treat it as a bonus. If your contribution is equal to that of your parents, £20k should be more than enough to have a lovely wedding.

It's a shame if they don't seem interested, though, regardless of the contribution. Have you tried talking to them about who should be invited from their side of the family - that might help them feel more involved?

Is your fiance the first of his parents' children to get married (or the first for several years), or have there been other weddings recently, so the groom's parents might be a bit weddinged-out?

PixelDust Sun 01-Apr-18 13:31:49

ScreamingValenta It is his 2nd marriage and my 1st (we are both the same age early 30's). With his first marriage his family and his ex wife did not get on and they weren't invited. I thought as we all get on (we spend a lot of time with them) they would be excited to be involved.

Thats what we am going to speak to them about next week. Who they want to come? Maybe after that they might be more into it.

OP’s posts: |
ScreamingValenta Sun 01-Apr-18 13:38:32

Perhaps they feel wary after being shut out by his ex - not even inviting them is shocking! Maybe they're worried about seeming too pushy and risking the same happening this time.

Asking them about the guest list will hopefully help. You could also ask if they want to come and look at any of the venues with you - even if they turn you down, being asked for their opinion will make them feel valued.

MaggieFS Sun 01-Apr-18 15:05:30

Go and see your mum's venue and then you might find some very practical reasons why it wouldn't work vs the one you like, and then it's not an emotional discussion about who likes what, it's about 'what works'. Perhaps take her with you to see both?

As for PIL, it sounds like you'll have to plan your budget assuming no contribution from them, but you never know what may happen in the end. Don't forget your wedding is a long way off... I'm sure they'll get excited, but perhaps not quite yet!

And as for flowers and seating DN, you've got ages! I wouldn't worry about these things yet - what if there's a step-Mum/gf on the scene by then? So much can change.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sun 01-Apr-18 15:12:10

The grooms parents may be wary of being seen to interfere, especially if they aren’t contributing (and to be fair, for a second marriage I wouldn’t be contributing more than maybe a smallish amount as a gift unless I was loaded) If you want them involved why not ask them about something specific- flowers, decor for the venue, invitation designs or something and take it from there?

PixelDust Sun 01-Apr-18 15:26:06

maggiefs It really isn't that long away... venues around my area get booked 2 years in advance. Things need to get booked and sorted. We don't want to be running about at the last minute. If we leave it until the last minute we won't get what we want.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain It is a shame you would feel like that.

OP’s posts: |
YourEmailInboxIsFull Sun 01-Apr-18 15:27:02

In the nicest possible way, relax.

I would also strongly recommend a wedding planner. They’re not as expensive as you think (I had one). She saved me thousands and my sanity. She was a fantastic mediator, drew out what I wanted (when I didn’t know what I wanted) and focussed me on the things that mattered and not the small things.

If you’re an over thinker, a wedding planner will help you stop over thinking.

MaggieFS Sun 01-Apr-18 15:29:08

Sorry, by all means book the venue, vicar/registrar, photographer, florist, cars etc. But you don't need to worry about details like colours, which flowers, where DN will sit etc just yet. Enjoy the time you've got! I did the lot in eight months and wish I'd had two years!

AnnaMagnani Sun 01-Apr-18 15:34:54

Is it normal for groom's family not be interested? - Yes. Especially as it's his second.

DH's family made in their words 'a very generous contribution' as a surprise on the day. It wasn't. Especially as they are fucking loaded. My mum contributed about £500 which was masses more than she could afford.

So please please unclench. What you have is already very lucky. And it is 2 years away.

No-one is as interested in your wedding as you are. Or ever will be. Relax. Nobody really cares about things like colours or flowers. If you tell your florist 'make some nice flowers' which is what I did you will still end up with lovely flowers.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sun 01-Apr-18 15:38:50

It is a shame you would feel like that Which bit? The second marriage bit? DH and I were both married before and there is no way we would have expected any contribution from any of our parents for our wedding. Most people don’t have the odd 10K sitting around spare to lavish on a wedding, so if they haven’t offered I would assume it’s not there. It doesn’t mean they don’t wish you all the best however.

PixelDust Sun 01-Apr-18 15:54:14

Slightlyperturbedowlagain So if you weren't in anyway involved with your sons first wedding ie no contribution, no asked opinions and not invited. You wouldn't offer with the 2nd?

OP’s posts: |
AnnaMagnani Sun 01-Apr-18 16:05:05

You are grown adults. I don't think parents are under any obligation to help with weddings at all. It's nice if they do but I think you are going to find that the financial help comes with serious strings attached - for example your mum wanting you to see her choice of venue is likely to be just the start.

Frankly I found it easier knowing we were doing it ourselves - we had £8K for the wedding and honeymoon, planned the whole thing in under 6 months and both sets of parents contributions came as pleasant surprises.

A friend whose parents were making a big contribution had a hard time and in the end felt her parents got the wedding they wanted.

MaggieFS Sun 01-Apr-18 16:06:11

Why don't you ask them if they want to be involved? Or invite them to view a couple of venues? Might open lots of doors? Perhaps they're trying not to interfere?

LemonysSnicket Sun 01-Apr-18 17:44:29

The grooms parents usually just do something as a gesture, like buy the cake or the dress, they don’t contribute to the finances traditionally - the onus for that is on the Bride and her parents. also very normal for them to have little interest in a wedding that is two years away ... you might find it all interesting but as the family member of someone who put every detail of her wedding planning for a year on FB, I can tell you that nobody else cares and it just makes you sound boring.

Chill out you’ve got 2 years.and your niece should be with a family member when eating. Put her at the top table if all of her guardians are there.

BrownTurkey Sun 01-Apr-18 18:17:07

Sometimes the grooms family put money behind the bar, or buy wine, but if they didn’t contribute financially first time, it seems unlikely they will this time. However, be generous, include them in your planning, let them get excited with you.

We are fed this big lie about it being our day, however please be aware that everyone will carry in being just as self absorbed as ever and whatever you decide you won’t please everyone and will be seen as controlling (because that’s the narrative). So give on the things that don’t bother you, give on the things that bother your dp more than you, and try to just have a few things that you find important. Go see your Mum’s venue, and tell her you and do will decide together.

ReinettePompadour Sun 01-Apr-18 18:43:10

I didn't want my parents dictating to me about my wedding day so I declined their offer of money. Despite this my mother made my life hell during the time up to the wedding. Unless you are confident your parents are giving you the money with absolutely no conditions attached then I would consider refusing it. You have a very long way to go and weddings are hugely stressful quite often because parents feel its ok to make demands on their children.

You dont need to sort food, flowers or colours yet. You really do have plenty of time. Make a list of what you would like and tick them off as you go. I gave myself 10 months to plan my wedding, I was done and dusted within 2 months then sat worrying and arguing with my mother for the remaining 8 months. It was by far the worst period of my life.

You basically need:
Venue
Registrar
Photographer
Food
Cake
Drinks
Music
Transport
Flowers
Dress
Suit
Rings

Thats all for a posh do. Anything else is extra.

userabcname Sun 01-Apr-18 18:53:57

For colour schemes and flowers I would recommend Pinterest and wedding fairs. Loads of ideas on the former and you can then chat about these with vendors at the latter and see who you click with or has perhaps done a similar colour scheme before. You can also sometimes get a discount if you book someone from a wedding fair. I got my florist, cake lady (we basically had the exact cake I saw on her stand as I fell in love with it immediately) and venue dressers from wedding fairs. It will also depend on your venue/time of year you marry e.g. mine was a lovely rustic hotel in the Cotswolds and I married in October so went for autumnal colours as the scheme with seasonal flowers and berries in the bouquets and pumpkins as centre pieces.

AnnaMagnani Sun 01-Apr-18 19:14:11

I went to one wedding fair. It was full of mad people over selling things although I really really did want the ice sculpture

Every photographer was quoting something like £2k for a basic package without me even having the rights to my photos or an album. I found 2 lovely ladies who did the whole lot for £800, oddly enough they were booked up every single weekend and had no need to go to wedding fairs.

It was good for ideas but everyone I booked was a standard business with a local reputation.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sun 01-Apr-18 20:45:05

I doubt it PixelDust like I said, unless we were loaded. I don’t know the backgrounds you are both from (obviously different from ours!) but 10K is an enormous amount of money to most of us. We would probably offer a little towards the cake or photographer or similar. Everyone has different priorities so that’s fine if you have the means and want to spend it that way, but all I’m saying is don’t assume your future ILs will share yours, because many people wouldn’t.

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