Cheap tiny wedding or elopement?

[MissKrampus]

Hi,

I recently got engaged to my bf of 3 years.

We have not discussed weddings at all and don't even have a rough date although I'm hoping it will be next year. It will be his second marriage and although he parted with his ex-wife on amicable terms (have a DD together) he's a little nervous about the whole thing.

We are both introverts and have anxiety about certain social situations. I have never wanted the whole "big day" lots of fuss lots of money spent all eyes on me thing. The thought of that makes me want to run for the hills, I'm very anxious and clumsy and would find it stressful walking down an aisle watched by a group of people. Also we don't have lots of money so something simple it will have to be. I don't think my parents would be able to contribute much and tbh I wouldn't feel comfortable asking. My brother got married last year and had a sizeable wedding, my parents helped out a little. My brother has a very good income so I was a bit hmm about that but would feel bad asking them to dip into their pensions to help me.

I live in Scotland but we're (very) long distance so it's possible that we might end up getting married elsewhere. We haven't even decided where we'll be living yet. To be honest I think we would both prefer to just elope to Vegas or something and get it over with but I don't think that would go down too well with my parents. I already asked them months ago (before we'd even gotten engaged) if they would be ok with that kind of thing and they were like yeah whatever but when I mentioned it again mum made a comment about us "not wanting their ugly mugs there" and I felt bad. I just want to be married with none of the wedding faffage.

On top of that, the one registry office nearby that we could have used has closed. A friend got married in there and it was a lovely room. There's another one in the next town but someone told me the room is pretty grim. I guess being in Scotland we could get married "anywhere" so could find a hill or something or some woods as long as we have a registrar? I just want no stress, very low cost ceremony. Maybe we could take some people out for lunch or something after.

There's also the issue of friends and so on who have invited me to their weddings. Would they be put out at not coming to mine? I guess we could maybe get married abroad and then have a party afterwards but I only have a small group of friends and small family so there would be about 20 people attending! Not exactly rock and roll. Also I have never even hosted a birthday party and am rubbish at making conversation at functions, preferring to sit in a corner and talk with a small group rather than "working the room" or whatever it is they do at weddings.

I'm stressing out about it already because people keep asking if we've made any decisions! I've hinted about eloping and nobody has said anything bad about it just "Ok" sort of thing.

Anyone else had this dilemma?

[Fluffyears]

Yes we are eloping because of this look at crear wee weddings www.weeweddings.co.uk/

[Fluffyears]

Also it is your day so if you want zero guests or a million then that’s up to you. We are having none then will come back from our wedding, announce it and have a family meal which suits me more than a disco reception thing.

[SheepyFun]

If you have a tiny wedding (just you and parents, possibly siblings), I don't think any of your friends will mind - if you had over a hundred guest and left them out, that might go down differently.

If I were in your situation, I'd have just parents (possibly plus siblings), a registrar, a location of your choice (as I understand it, that can be anywhere in Scotland) then go out for lunch afterwards. Or I'd elope, whichever works better for you.

[Lonoxo]

Could you have a small, family only wedding? You don't have to have a disco, a meal will suffice. That way, you can involve important family members but still keep costs down and your social anxiety at bay. With friends, I would say you can't any friends at all. I don't think you can invite some and not others. Please let your friends know beforehand that it's a family only wedding and your reasons why and stress that their friendship is important to you. Most people would understand. My friend didn't bother telling me her wedding was family only so I was looking out for an invite for weeks.

[ILookedintheWater]

Go tiny, with immediate family. How far are you from Gretna Green? Slightly cheesy perhaps but charming and completely set up for tiny weddings.

[Isadora2007]

Wait...why would you get engaged yet not talk about what your plans are? Or where you are going to live? You managed to get engaged without talking about weddings at all? I am just lost for words...

[BackforGood]

I would go with a small wedding in a chapel or registry office and go for a meal in a nice restaurant with no speeches or formal cake cutting. You don't have to walk down any aisles if you don't want to.

If there would only be 20 of you anyway, then I'd have thought that would be fine, but if even that is too many, just invite each of your parents (and possibly siblings?) and your dhtb's dd.

I suspect your parents (and his) will feel very sad if you leave them out.

[Mum4Fergus]

DP and I are eloping in a few months...no guests, registry office then a short break in the same village (Scotland too)...but in all honesty I think your challenges run deeper than your wedding fears. You need to talk to each other about your marriage/wedding before you do anything...neither DP or I proposed and we're not getting engaged. We both know it's what we want through talking to each other...

[MissKrampus]

Hi,

Thanks for your comments and sorry for the delay in responding.

Yes we haven't really talked about anything (although he brought up the subject of wedding rings recently). Being in different countries is making it hard as well but due to his extreme anxiety I'm a little worried that he might get too stressed and change his mind. After all, we haven't even decided which country we will live in yet. Getting married will make immigration easier so we're hoping to do it within the year.

I'm about an hour and a half from Gretna. I checked though and it's still around £400 to get married there. I was thinking a budget of about £500, not sure if that is possible though! Fluffy, that place looks gorgeous but it's way too expensive unfortunately. I know it's going to be a couple of hundred at least just for a registrar, never mind anything else. I wish I could just sign a bit of paper and get it over with tbh.

I was thinking just a meal (lunch) afterwards would be fine. But who to invite? If I invited friends surely I'd need to invite their OHs and kids? Bumping the numbers up. Just a simple lunch would be fine I think, book a table - I've heard horror stories of places bumping prices up when they find out it's a wedding party but surely a local restaurant/pub wouldn't do this?