My children not invited to sister’s wedding

[niklew]

Hi all

Sorry my first time starting a post so hoping it will be in the right place...

My sister is getting married for a second time ( December 22nd 2018- just booked it). She has a 7 year old daughter from her first marriage. I have 3 children ages 2,4 and 6. Our children are good friends.

However, she has booked a wedding for next Dec and although taking my niece , has said my children are not invited. They have chosen a very small wedding at a venue 3 hours away and adults only apart from her daughter.

I completely understand come people want a child free wedding but the problem I have is that my family will be there therefore who would watch my children?? I very rarely leave them as I’m a stay at home
Mum. So I would find it difficult anyway but have attended friends weddings where we left the evening do early. I’ve never left my children over night other than when I was in labour!

My dad said he believes my sister assumed my parents in law could have them . But my sister in law lives in Holland and comes over every Christmas with her 3 children and stays with my parents in law ( who live an hour away). There’s no room For our children too and certainly no room here and I couldn’t expect my
Parents in law to leave them at their house and they come here. They only come over for 5 days as they have to return for new year( her husband is a policeman and they have to work New Year’s Eve)

Basically I’m not sure what I’m suppose to do. I can’t levae my children with anyway but obviously wouldn’t want to
Miss her wedding. At the same time I’m really annoyed she has put me
In this situation.

Am I being unreasonable? I know my children are young but they are all really well behaved children. They always have been. The eldest two are in School and the teachers love them- hard working and polite children. My youngest is lovely- they all are. I could maybe understand the no children rule a tad more if they were bonkers ;)

[UrsulaPandress]

It's her second wedding.

Don't go.

[Littlelambpeep]

That is beyond strange. I think I would go to the ceremony and let dh or dp stay with the children.. Then quietly leave early. I wouldnt make a fuss but it very selfish nor to have her own family there

[Fishface77]

Wouldn't bother going. Especially so close to Christmas.

[ny20005]

I wouldn't go either

[ZaphodBeeblerox]

She has a right to a child-free wedding. Of course that isn’t kind given your circumstances but she may have just not thought about your PIL/SIL situation.

If you think she’ll be understanding you could bring it up with her to say you don’t have any childcare options because your PILs will be hosting SIL for Christmas and can’t have the kids. If she’d still prefer no kids, then that’s her prerogative.

Could you leave the kids with your partner and just attend the wedding solo? Otherwise skip the wedding - it’s her choice to make it child free and your choice (or circumstance) to not leave your kids.

Don’t get hung up or annoyed about her having her own daughter there though - that’s not the same as your kids. And given it’s a second marriage her kid is probably feeling a bit sensitive and would feel quite horrible if she was left out. You also don’t know or don’t mention who the nieces and nephews are on her partner’s side of the family. While your kids may be well behaved, her partner may have noisy ill mannered nieces and nephews and if she allows you to bring yours she will have to allow them to come as well, and that may ruin her day!

[GreenTulips]

See if there's a video link at the venue and watch at home with a glass of something sparkly

[gamerchick]

Usually I would say leave your dude home with the kids and go on your own but 22nd December + travelling I would say wish her well and hope she has a lovely day.

[Caspiana]

I am not a fan of children at weddings as a general rule but it’s a shame she has excluded nieces and nephews if they are close to her and her daughter. It’s totally up to her, of course, but it does put you in and difficult position.

Is your children’s father around? Could he watch them and you go along to the wedding alone? It’s worth it to be at your sister’s wedding in my opinion.

[Crumbs1]

If you want to go, I’d ask my husband to stay with the children but in truth, it’s a second wedding so not as big a deal. I’d probably decline and sent a lovely present.

[niklew]

Thank you for your replies. I just wanted to have some points of view who weren’t emotionally attached...

I hadn’t thought of the travelling around the last weekend before Christmas. I would go on my own if I had to had the venue been closer but not a 3 hour journey each way or me stopping over on my own. I just don’t want to be the bad guy- unfortunately my parents have always treated us differently. It doesn’t bother me, I’m use to it but I know both of them are annoyed but they don’t want to tell her as it will ‘upset her’ ( she doesn’t take kind to anything negative). Equally they will say to me it’s awful if I don’t go even though I’m
Levy with no choice.

Thank you for your messages - I feel a tad better now :)

[Rooooooood]

If she invited kids then how many would she have to invite or would it just be yours?
I actually don't think she is being at all unreasonable not to invite kids but I also don't think you are unreasonable to find it a problem. If it's a very small wedding then your extra three kids might be more noticable than if it had been a bigger wedding. Having their own kid there isn't the slightest bit hypocritical. One kid at a wedding is different from a group of kids.
If I were you I would go without the kids and leave the kids and your DH at home. It means you would be able to be there for your sister and enjoy the wedding. I would look forward to a night away from the kids too (but perhaps that's just me😂) . Alternatively you can not go but that seems a bit of a shame.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I wouldn’t go either but not because it’s her second wedding. What on earth has that got to with anything?! Are people suggesting she’s less committed to her husband to be because her first marriage ended for some reason? How bizarre.

She’s clearly not that committed to her extended family and I don’t blame you at all for being upset she’s excluding your children. Sadly, it’s not going to be possible for you to be there but it’s her loss and I hope she’s not going to awkward about it. It’s certainly not her place to assume other people are going to step in and babysit for your children because she wants a mostly childfree wedding and expects you to just be there.

[Acrosstheuniverse123]

I wouldn't go. She is being very inconsiderate.

[UrsulaPandress]

Er no. The second wedding remark was when you've gone through all the hoops and circus of the first wedding with hats and favours and cake and spesh this and spesh that and all the razzmatazz, when you invite people for the second version it is usually a more restrained affair. Or I think it should be.

[ThomasRichard]

If your mum’s the sensible, tactful type, I’d run it past her and ask her to point out to your sister that you might not be able to attend her wedding. She probably doesn’t realise about the ILs.

Otherwise, how about taking the DC but arranging a nanny for the day at the location, so they’re with you but you can attend the wedding without them?

[niklew]

Thank you all.

To be honest I felt a bit sick about it when my dad told
Me ( she hasn’t told me yet- she wanted to find out my parents thoughts first...) . My dh was a bit more annoyed as e knew I would be a bit hurt but to be honest she knows I don’t go out much etc as I have some anxiety with leaving my children so she knows it would be hard for me to go.

It is a shame.. thank you all

[FadedRed]

First you need to decide if you want to go, given the travel/staying overnight/nearness to Christmas etc. If you want to go then why
can't you not speak directly to your sister, explain that yours PILs cannot have the children, and that either you all come, or it will be you alone.
Her daughter might be happier if she has some cousins of near her own age to play with, poor mite will be bored rigid on her own all day anyway.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

I think choosing a date 3 days before Christmas is going to put a lot of people off

[Butterymuffin]

What Littlelamb said - I'd go to the ceremony alone but leave early on after that.

[pallisers]

I'd go and leave my husband behind to mind the children - because it is my sister. Anyone else, besides my best friend, I'd probably regretfully decline.

Who is going to mind her dd on the day? She may regret not having cousins there for her to play with.

[CoteDAzur]

“I’ve never left my children over night other than when I was in labour!”

It sounds like a good time to start.

Take your kids with you, then leave the with a babysitter at the hotel. They will be fine.

There’s no need for all this drama.

[LovingLola]

Go. Leave your children with their dad and go and have a ball!!

[Altwoo]

She’s given you a year’s notice!

Surely that’s enough time to put a plan in place?

[Viviennemary]

She's your sister so I think under the circumstances it would be fine to ring her and explain the situation. Then it's up to her whether she extends the invitation to include your children or you don't go. I don't think I'd bother going to a lot of effort for a second wedding though.