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Family turning down our invite - sorry, long winded one

104 replies

System0matix · 13/11/2017 17:50

Finding it hard not to dwell on the fact that in-laws to be have (19 months before the date) said they can’t/don’t want to attend our wedding.

Partner and I booked our wedding 6 weeks ago for summer 2019, we live in Kent and it’ll be in Scotland where DH’s parents are originally from; and a place I have totally fallen for. Lots of positive ‘can’t wait’ replies from our nearest and dearest invitees who we’ve told either over text or in conversation when we’ve seen them since booking it. One of partner’s siblings however has (over the weekend) said him and his DW (and their 10 year old) won’t be coming, after he was initially delighted about it. I appreciate invites are just that – invites and not mandatory – but it feels like something’s changed here. No reason why, just a “we’re not going to come to the wedding” text.

They live in the midlands but we visit them every 6-8 weeks. Their daughter is partner’s only niece and we love seeing her too. To get to Scotland for them will involve either a plane or long car/train journey and then a drive/taxi at the other end, so again I appreciate it’s not as ‘convenient’ as it would have been if it was somewhere they could come on the day and go home from the same night.

It’s in the school holidays and they’re both teachers; so no issues with regards to anyone missing work or school. But, I guess we just have to be conscious of the fact that it’s a cost; and freewill – they can’t be forced to come. We’ve been together 10 years and I’ve known them all this time (I did feel like we were already family!) so it’s just a bit upsetting that they don’t view our wedding as an important enough event to come to. Both partner and I have been down all day thinking about it and confused. Maybe we’ll get more info from them when we next see them in person, the whole thing just feels odd.

I’m sure any responses will say we don’t know what their financial situation is – which is true we don’t really, however they’re big savers and have no qualms about telling anyone who’ll listen about ways they save £. Maybe they just see having to book and pay for transport and a hotel for 2 nights as a cost they don’t have to part with and that a wedding card and/or present to us will do?

I very much live by the ‘each to their own’ motto but today i’m finding it really hard to lift myself about this. Do we reply saying “really sorry you won’t be able to make it, can we ask if it’s any specific about the wedding that’s a reason you can’t all come?” or is that snooping?

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TrojansAreSmegheads · 13/11/2017 17:58

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SheffieldStealer · 13/11/2017 18:17

him and his DW (and their 10 year old) won’t be coming... Their daughter is partner’s only niece and we love seeing her too

Is someone or her parents a bit disappointed she's not been asked to be a bridesmaid?

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Crumbs1 · 13/11/2017 18:20

SheffieldStealer that thought crossed my mind too. Maybe you could tell them how disappointed you.

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SheffieldStealer · 13/11/2017 18:31

(And be honest - you're already thinking this yourself and you're just casting about for unbiased opinions!)

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System0matix · 13/11/2017 18:31

Thanks guys for your responses. When we first told them we said “We’d love it if DN would be a flower girl/bridesmaid” (she’ll be 12 by then so not sure which category she’d fall into!) and partner has asked his 4 brothers to be groomsmen, no best man as he couldn’t make a choice between the 4. So we’re at even more of a loss as to why, as we asked DBIL and DN to be in the bridal party - and they said they’d be delighted to.

Trojan - You’re totally right, we will just have to accept it and move on. In terms of location, 41 of our 75 invitees live in Scotland so in terms of the wedding being accessible to the masses - it is.

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TrojansAreSmegheads · 13/11/2017 18:33

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goldangel · 13/11/2017 18:35

I'd just leave it and let them know they'll be missed but if anything changes they are more than welcome to come.

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mumisnotmyname · 13/11/2017 18:36

I think not coming to your siblings wedding is pretty poor unless you have a good reason. I think in your situation I would just ask, as you have a good relationship with them usually. Maybe it's money, maybe they thought brother would be best man, niece would be bridesmaid? Maybe there is something else going on you just don't know about yet, pregnancy etc? The easiest was forward has to be to just ask.

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mumisnotmyname · 13/11/2017 18:38

Ahh cross post, I would still ask if you are upset and I would be upset in Your situation.

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LanaDReye · 13/11/2017 18:40

I would ask, they are family you see regularly so you should be able to talk?

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JessieMcJessie · 13/11/2017 18:49

It does all seem a bit weird. It’s still quite a way away, maybe just let it lie for now and see if you can approach the subject in a tactful way next time you all spend time together?

Or would your fiancé be able to have a straightforward one on one chat with his brother?

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CamperVamp · 13/11/2017 19:01

Can’t your partner talk to them? call them and ask them why?

Is it smack in the middle of hand hols? Were they planning a 3 week tour of Europe, or something? (I would, if I were a teacher).

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junebirthdaygirl · 13/11/2017 19:12

Sounds like its something to do with sil. Brother waas happy initially so looks like his wife is not happy for some reason. Does ashe cause drama usually or is she usually fine. It would be terrible of them not to come.

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Leilaniii · 13/11/2017 19:19

they’re big savers and have no qualms about telling anyone who’ll listen about ways they save £.

This jumped out at me from your post. Do you think they're just tight and don't want to spend the money? I mean, they're both working and 18 months is enough time to save enough money. PIL did this to us. Told us a year before the wedding that they couldn't afford to come, in spite being loaded and on holiday 6 times a year.

Other than that, I have no idea. It's really odd.

Kudos to you though, you're being very un-Bridezilla about it.

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SheffieldStealer · 13/11/2017 19:19

That's even stranger. It's nearly two years away, so either something's been arranged in advance (in which case, why not just say, 'It's Barry's turn to host the annual Sealed Knot key party on the 3rd'?) or there's A Reason.

is there a big drip feed here? Did Nicola Sturgeon run over SIL's cat at university?

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DancesWithOtters · 13/11/2017 19:21

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Haffdonga · 13/11/2017 19:22

Ask why. It's much better to be completely up front and not just second guess their reasons.

Dear BIL and SIL We're so sorry you wont be able to make it to our wedding because we really would have loved you and dniece to come. Can you tell us why? Is there anything we can do to make it possible for you? lots of love System and DH

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Ragwort · 13/11/2017 19:24

A lot of people really aren't that fussed about weddings (despite what we read on Mumsnet Grin) - sometimes an invitation does seem like a chore and if a couple have been together for 10 years and then get married ... to be honest I don't think I'd put myself out to go to a wedding miles away that would involve a lot of travel and overnight accommodation - particularly if it somewhere you are not really interested in visiting. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

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Ragwort · 13/11/2017 19:26

I don't think you can ask why, it is very humiliating to admit that you can't afford it or choose not to prioritise spending your money in that way.

If I was invited to a wedding that was such a distance away I just wouldn't want to spend all that money on getting there - I can 'afford' to in that I have savings etc but it's not how I would want to use my savings.

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NC4now · 13/11/2017 19:27

I think I’d be saying how disappointed I was that they couldn’t come and ask if there was anything we could do to make it easier for them to attend.

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Belleoftheball8 · 13/11/2017 19:29

It sounds like the travel side of it costs are what your dbil object to spending

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HundredMilesAnHour · 13/11/2017 19:33

I wouldn't be keen to go to a wedding so far away from where the actual couple getting married live. Getting married where the groom's PARENTS "originally" come from is a bit weird to me and sounds a bit silly, especially for a couple who've been together for 10 years. And also incredibly expensive for guests who don't live in Scotland. I couldn't justify the expense for 3 people.

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Bananamanfan · 13/11/2017 19:34

Is it the table thing, if bil's wife will be separated from her dh & dd?

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NorthernLurker · 13/11/2017 19:37

If it's the holidays though they could take a family holiday around the date of the wedding in Scotland. I agree it seems odd. Is there any chance they are planning to divorce? They may not have told the niece yet........

I would ask them why op, it's really odd.

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System0matix · 13/11/2017 19:40

Thanks everyone - I guess weddings are the ultimate “you can’t please everyone” so if it’s location and ergo costs then we’ll just have to respect their decision.

June - SIL never one to cause drama but is the more dominant one, makes all the household/financial decisions about what they buy and from where; but then lots of women do look after all this stuff that keeps a home running I suppose! Can be a little manipulative, BIL rarely goes out but when he does (we’re talking yearly for a colleagues leaving do; or if all 5 brothers are together and out for the night) she tells him not to come home and to stay at someone else’s house as it’ll disrupt the daughter and her when he comes home. Again this isn’t exactly “dramatic” - well not by my standards.

To those that have said we should just talk to them - we really should. Just not sure how it’ll go, especially if there’s no real reason. In the last half hour had PIL on the phone saying they’re going to call them and ask “what the heck their problem is” - we’ve pleaded with them not to.

Pass the red wine.

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