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Family turning down our invite - sorry, long winded one

(94 Posts)
System0matix Mon 13-Nov-17 17:50:36

Finding it hard not to dwell on the fact that in-laws to be have (19 months before the date) said they can’t/don’t want to attend our wedding.

Partner and I booked our wedding 6 weeks ago for summer 2019, we live in Kent and it’ll be in Scotland where DH’s parents are originally from; and a place I have totally fallen for. Lots of positive ‘can’t wait’ replies from our nearest and dearest invitees who we’ve told either over text or in conversation when we’ve seen them since booking it. One of partner’s siblings however has (over the weekend) said him and his DW (and their 10 year old) won’t be coming, after he was initially delighted about it. I appreciate invites are just that – invites and not mandatory – but it feels like something’s changed here. No reason why, just a “we’re not going to come to the wedding” text.

They live in the midlands but we visit them every 6-8 weeks. Their daughter is partner’s only niece and we love seeing her too. To get to Scotland for them will involve either a plane or long car/train journey and then a drive/taxi at the other end, so again I appreciate it’s not as ‘convenient’ as it would have been if it was somewhere they could come on the day and go home from the same night.

It’s in the school holidays and they’re both teachers; so no issues with regards to anyone missing work or school. But, I guess we just have to be conscious of the fact that it’s a cost; and freewill – they can’t be forced to come. We’ve been together 10 years and I’ve known them all this time (I did feel like we were already family!) so it’s just a bit upsetting that they don’t view our wedding as an important enough event to come to. Both partner and I have been down all day thinking about it and confused. Maybe we’ll get more info from them when we next see them in person, the whole thing just feels odd.

I’m sure any responses will say we don’t know what their financial situation is – which is true we don’t really, however they’re big savers and have no qualms about telling anyone who’ll listen about ways they save £. Maybe they just see having to book and pay for transport and a hotel for 2 nights as a cost they don’t have to part with and that a wedding card and/or present to us will do?

I very much live by the ‘each to their own’ motto but today i’m finding it really hard to lift myself about this. Do we reply saying “really sorry you won’t be able to make it, can we ask if it’s any specific about the wedding that’s a reason you can’t all come?” or is that snooping?

TrojansAreSmegheads Mon 13-Nov-17 17:58:00

i think you just have to accept it. if your wedding is too far away people might not be able to make it.

dont ask them for a reason. how humiliating would that be if it was eg financial?

you could always choose to have the wedding near the guests. a more central location.

if you want the wedding in scotland more than you want these guests then keep it in scotland.
if you want all family to celebrate with you more than you want to get married in scotland - look for a nice venue nearer.

or have a party near home at a later date.

SheffieldStealer Mon 13-Nov-17 18:17:47

him and his DW (and their 10 year old) won’t be coming... Their daughter is partner’s only niece and we love seeing her too

Is someone or her parents a bit disappointed she's not been asked to be a bridesmaid?

Crumbs1 Mon 13-Nov-17 18:20:24

SheffieldStealer that thought crossed my mind too. Maybe you could tell them how disappointed you.

SheffieldStealer Mon 13-Nov-17 18:31:08

(And be honest - you're already thinking this yourself and you're just casting about for unbiased opinions!)

System0matix Mon 13-Nov-17 18:31:57

Thanks guys for your responses. When we first told them we said “We’d love it if DN would be a flower girl/bridesmaid” (she’ll be 12 by then so not sure which category she’d fall into!) and partner has asked his 4 brothers to be groomsmen, no best man as he couldn’t make a choice between the 4. So we’re at even more of a loss as to why, as we asked DBIL and DN to be in the bridal party - and they said they’d be delighted to.

Trojan - You’re totally right, we will just have to accept it and move on. In terms of location, 41 of our 75 invitees live in Scotland so in terms of the wedding being accessible to the masses - it is.

TrojansAreSmegheads Mon 13-Nov-17 18:33:22

oh well in that case leave them to it.

goldangel Mon 13-Nov-17 18:35:55

I'd just leave it and let them know they'll be missed but if anything changes they are more than welcome to come.

mumisnotmyname Mon 13-Nov-17 18:36:45

I think not coming to your siblings wedding is pretty poor unless you have a good reason. I think in your situation I would just ask, as you have a good relationship with them usually. Maybe it's money, maybe they thought brother would be best man, niece would be bridesmaid? Maybe there is something else going on you just don't know about yet, pregnancy etc? The easiest was forward has to be to just ask.

mumisnotmyname Mon 13-Nov-17 18:38:05

Ahh cross post, I would still ask if you are upset and I would be upset in Your situation.

LanaDReye Mon 13-Nov-17 18:40:52

I would ask, they are family you see regularly so you should be able to talk?

JessieMcJessie Mon 13-Nov-17 18:49:30

It does all seem a bit weird. It’s still quite a way away, maybe just let it lie for now and see if you can approach the subject in a tactful way next time you all spend time together?

Or would your fiancé be able to have a straightforward one on one chat with his brother?

CamperVamp Mon 13-Nov-17 19:01:16

Can’t your partner talk to them? call them and ask them why?

Is it smack in the middle of hand hols? Were they planning a 3 week tour of Europe, or something? (I would, if I were a teacher).

junebirthdaygirl Mon 13-Nov-17 19:12:10

Sounds like its something to do with sil. Brother waas happy initially so looks like his wife is not happy for some reason. Does ashe cause drama usually or is she usually fine. It would be terrible of them not to come.

Leilaniii Mon 13-Nov-17 19:19:25

they’re big savers and have no qualms about telling anyone who’ll listen about ways they save £.

This jumped out at me from your post. Do you think they're just tight and don't want to spend the money? I mean, they're both working and 18 months is enough time to save enough money. PIL did this to us. Told us a year before the wedding that they couldn't afford to come, in spite being loaded and on holiday 6 times a year.

Other than that, I have no idea. It's really odd.

Kudos to you though, you're being very un-Bridezilla about it.

SheffieldStealer Mon 13-Nov-17 19:19:41

That's even stranger. It's nearly two years away, so either something's been arranged in advance (in which case, why not just say, 'It's Barry's turn to host the annual Sealed Knot key party on the 3rd'?) or there's A Reason.

is there a big drip feed here? Did Nicola Sturgeon run over SIL's cat at university?

DancesWithOtters Mon 13-Nov-17 19:21:41

I would guess its money.

Three of them flying, staying in a hotel, plus outfits, wedding gift, transport the other way...that would be upwards of £600?

We are not poor, but that would mean no family holiday for us that year.

I know it's your wedding, but it would be a struggle for us financially. They might think it's too big an ask.

I love a lot of people, but if someone close to me had chosen to marry somewhere that everyone would have to spend a lot of money to attend as a guest I'm not sure I'd want to give up my main holiday for it. £600 is a week in Italy.

Haffdonga Mon 13-Nov-17 19:22:17

Ask why. It's much better to be completely up front and not just second guess their reasons.

Dear BIL and SIL We're so sorry you wont be able to make it to our wedding because we really would have loved you and dniece to come. Can you tell us why? Is there anything we can do to make it possible for you? lots of love System and DH

Ragwort Mon 13-Nov-17 19:24:38

A lot of people really aren't that fussed about weddings (despite what we read on Mumsnet grin) - sometimes an invitation does seem like a chore and if a couple have been together for 10 years and then get married ... to be honest I don't think I'd put myself out to go to a wedding miles away that would involve a lot of travel and overnight accommodation - particularly if it somewhere you are not really interested in visiting. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Ragwort Mon 13-Nov-17 19:26:55

I don't think you can ask why, it is very humiliating to admit that you can't afford it or choose not to prioritise spending your money in that way.

If I was invited to a wedding that was such a distance away I just wouldn't want to spend all that money on getting there - I can 'afford' to in that I have savings etc but it's not how I would want to use my savings.

NC4now Mon 13-Nov-17 19:27:39

I think I’d be saying how disappointed I was that they couldn’t come and ask if there was anything we could do to make it easier for them to attend.

Belleoftheball8 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:29:51

It sounds like the travel side of it costs are what your dbil object to spending

HundredMilesAnHour Mon 13-Nov-17 19:33:44

I wouldn't be keen to go to a wedding so far away from where the actual couple getting married live. Getting married where the groom's PARENTS "originally" come from is a bit weird to me and sounds a bit silly, especially for a couple who've been together for 10 years. And also incredibly expensive for guests who don't live in Scotland. I couldn't justify the expense for 3 people.

Bananamanfan Mon 13-Nov-17 19:34:14

Is it the table thing, if bil's wife will be separated from her dh & dd?

NorthernLurker Mon 13-Nov-17 19:37:23

If it's the holidays though they could take a family holiday around the date of the wedding in Scotland. I agree it seems odd. Is there any chance they are planning to divorce? They may not have told the niece yet........

I would ask them why op, it's really odd.

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