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him and his DW (and their 10 year old) won’t be coming... Their daughter is partner’s only niece and we love seeing her too

Is someone or her parents a bit disappointed she's not been asked to be a bridesmaid?

SheffieldStealer that thought crossed my mind too. Maybe you could tell them how disappointed you.

(And be honest - you're already thinking this yourself and you're just casting about for unbiased opinions!)

Thanks guys for your responses. When we first told them we said “We’d love it if DN would be a flower girl/bridesmaid” (she’ll be 12 by then so not sure which category she’d fall into!) and partner has asked his 4 brothers to be groomsmen, no best man as he couldn’t make a choice between the 4. So we’re at even more of a loss as to why, as we asked DBIL and DN to be in the bridal party - and they said they’d be delighted to.

Trojan - You’re totally right, we will just have to accept it and move on. In terms of location, 41 of our 75 invitees live in Scotland so in terms of the wedding being accessible to the masses - it is.

I'd just leave it and let them know they'll be missed but if anything changes they are more than welcome to come.

I think not coming to your siblings wedding is pretty poor unless you have a good reason. I think in your situation I would just ask, as you have a good relationship with them usually. Maybe it's money, maybe they thought brother would be best man, niece would be bridesmaid? Maybe there is something else going on you just don't know about yet, pregnancy etc? The easiest was forward has to be to just ask.

Ahh cross post, I would still ask if you are upset and I would be upset in Your situation.

I would ask, they are family you see regularly so you should be able to talk?

It does all seem a bit weird. It’s still quite a way away, maybe just let it lie for now and see if you can approach the subject in a tactful way next time you all spend time together?

Or would your fiancé be able to have a straightforward one on one chat with his brother?

Can’t your partner talk to them? call them and ask them why?

Is it smack in the middle of hand hols? Were they planning a 3 week tour of Europe, or something? (I would, if I were a teacher).

Sounds like its something to do with sil. Brother waas happy initially so looks like his wife is not happy for some reason. Does ashe cause drama usually or is she usually fine. It would be terrible of them not to come.

they’re big savers and have no qualms about telling anyone who’ll listen about ways they save £.

This jumped out at me from your post. Do you think they're just tight and don't want to spend the money? I mean, they're both working and 18 months is enough time to save enough money. PIL did this to us. Told us a year before the wedding that they couldn't afford to come, in spite being loaded and on holiday 6 times a year.

Other than that, I have no idea. It's really odd.

Kudos to you though, you're being very un-Bridezilla about it.

That's even stranger. It's nearly two years away, so either something's been arranged in advance (in which case, why not just say, 'It's Barry's turn to host the annual Sealed Knot key party on the 3rd'?) or there's A Reason.

is there a big drip feed here? Did Nicola Sturgeon run over SIL's cat at university?

I would guess its money.

Three of them flying, staying in a hotel, plus outfits, wedding gift, transport the other way...that would be upwards of £600?

We are not poor, but that would mean no family holiday for us that year.

I know it's your wedding, but it would be a struggle for us financially. They might think it's too big an ask.

I love a lot of people, but if someone close to me had chosen to marry somewhere that everyone would have to spend a lot of money to attend as a guest I'm not sure I'd want to give up my main holiday for it. £600 is a week in Italy.

Ask why. It's much better to be completely up front and not just second guess their reasons.

Dear BIL and SIL We're so sorry you wont be able to make it to our wedding because we really would have loved you and dniece to come. Can you tell us why? Is there anything we can do to make it possible for you? lots of love System and DH

A lot of people really aren't that fussed about weddings (despite what we read on Mumsnet ) - sometimes an invitation does seem like a chore and if a couple have been together for 10 years and then get married ... to be honest I don't think I'd put myself out to go to a wedding miles away that would involve a lot of travel and overnight accommodation - particularly if it somewhere you are not really interested in visiting. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I don't think you can ask why, it is very humiliating to admit that you can't afford it or choose not to prioritise spending your money in that way.

If I was invited to a wedding that was such a distance away I just wouldn't want to spend all that money on getting there - I can 'afford' to in that I have savings etc but it's not how I would want to use my savings.

I think I’d be saying how disappointed I was that they couldn’t come and ask if there was anything we could do to make it easier for them to attend.

It sounds like the travel side of it costs are what your dbil object to spending

I wouldn't be keen to go to a wedding so far away from where the actual couple getting married live. Getting married where the groom's PARENTS "originally" come from is a bit weird to me and sounds a bit silly, especially for a couple who've been together for 10 years. And also incredibly expensive for guests who don't live in Scotland. I couldn't justify the expense for 3 people.

Is it the table thing, if bil's wife will be separated from her dh & dd?

If it's the holidays though they could take a family holiday around the date of the wedding in Scotland. I agree it seems odd. Is there any chance they are planning to divorce? They may not have told the niece yet........

I would ask them why op, it's really odd.