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How much did you talk before getting engaged?

(26 Posts)
PixieChemist Mon 16-Oct-17 12:11:32

DP has been married previously and says he should never have married her and he rushed into it (naively) hoping everything would be okay. I told him I'd want him to propose to me when he's ready so I know he's serious.

Lately he's been wanting to chat about weddings, what we'd like to do etc. I was just wondering though, is it normal to seriously talk about your own wedding and what you'd like if you're not even engaged?

mummyretired Mon 16-Oct-17 12:12:38

No, it isn't. (Married 3 times).

Littlechocola Mon 16-Oct-17 12:15:36

We did. It was a ‘one day’ thing.
Before becoming engaged we both already knew that neither of us liked big weddings or too much fuss.

TheNaze73 Mon 16-Oct-17 12:18:49

I totally disagree. I think if you need the validation of an engagement ring to discuss marriage, if you’re that way inclined, you’re on a sticky wicket

NerrSnerr Mon 16-Oct-17 12:21:23

We discussed it before we were engaged. We were together about 10 years before we got married so we had plenty of time to think about it.

PixieChemist Mon 16-Oct-17 12:22:06

* I think if you need the validation of an engagement ring to discuss marriage*

It's really not about the engagement ring, he could get me a Haribo ring for all I care or no ring at all.

Gosh is that how it comes across? I hope he doesn't see it that way blush

It's more that I want to know he's serious. Although I guess he wouldn't bring it up if he wasn't would he?

PixieChemist Mon 16-Oct-17 12:22:25

Bold fail!

thedinosaur Mon 16-Oct-17 12:24:53

Both me and OH knew we wanted marriage and children before we got engaged.
But didn't discuss it in a "this is what we should/would like to do" kind of way it was more so each of us was aware of the others intentions re settling down so no one was being led on.

I had no idea a proposal of any sort was coming up, it was a big surprise and completely out of the blue, he planned it for ages and we didn't talk about engagements or anything like that beforehand. I think it would've ruined it for us.

Only after we got engaged did we sit down and discuss potential wedding plans and how we would like our big day.

Hiphopopotamus Mon 16-Oct-17 12:25:59

It's what myself and my partner have done. I'd hate the idea of a 'surprise' engagement - plus it means it's usually the man getting to propose when he is good and ready and had plenty of time to think. My partner and I have been talking for the past few month about marriage and when the right time would be and we're planning to announce our engagement in the next couple of weeks. He still wants to do the whole down on one knee thing with a ring, but essentially it's been a mutual conversation that's led to engagement

stickygotstuck Mon 16-Oct-17 12:30:57

What Hipho said.

What's more, I don't understand this 'waiting to be asked' obsession some women seem to have. Or the 'having to ask' either for that matter. It should be a joint decission, well thought out and discussed between two partners. The Disneyfied world view does no one any favours.

paap1975 Fri 20-Oct-17 15:59:42

We never got engaged as such. We talked for a long time about getting married and then one day, we came across a venue we really both loved and felt would be perfect and just booked it. It's all gone from there. There was no proposal, no ring, no big announcement. We're both adults and we discussed it just like we discuss any other joint decision

Ecureuil Fri 20-Oct-17 16:01:59

Yeah we discussed it a fair bit before actually getting engaged. Surely it’s important to make sure you’re both on the same page?

HerSymphonyAndSong Fri 20-Oct-17 16:09:53

Well we didn't have a proposal - we agreed to get married having discussed it for a while and concluding that it was something we both wanted to do. That's how we knew each other was serious about it - because we had discussed it seriously and shared our feelings and opinions. Included within those discussions were how we might like to celebrate getting married

HerSymphonyAndSong Fri 20-Oct-17 16:13:20

I'm not sure I would agree to marry someone if it came out of the blue with no previous discussion

huphep Fri 20-Oct-17 16:16:28

Of course you should discuss it. Well, discuss marriage - the day itself maybe but that's just a wedding which is ultimately unimportant.

Couples who don't discuss important stuff like this are mental imho.

Mummyretired - do you think that's been good or bad? Am assuming you've been divorced at least twice so it hasn't worked out but you could of course been widowed

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 20-Oct-17 16:20:07

* *It's more that I want to know he's serious. Although I guess he wouldn't bring it up if he wasn't would he?

This doesn’t make much sense.

He’s having conversations with you about getting married; which would suggest that he’s thinking about it.

You’ve told him that due to his past; you want him to propose when he’s ready so that you know he really is ready.

So you’re both on the same page here. You are talking about a potential marriage; and what you might or might not like, and when he knows he wants to marry you, he’ll propose.

I wouldn’t read any more into the conversations to be honest.

WatchingFromTheWings Fri 20-Oct-17 16:22:31

Married twice. On both occasions talked about the wedding at great length before engagement. First time we’d booked the wedding, chose a dress and started paying for stuff before we got engaged.

HerSymphonyAndSong Fri 20-Oct-17 16:37:56

A proposal / getting engaged says nothing about seriousness really - there are threads on here where women have said they feel strung along for years with no plans made for a wedding but they have been given an engagement ring. I would set far more store by how the prospective marriage / wedding is discussed. But I was not interested in a proposal - it was an agreement between us that we would get married the following year and then we started searching for and booking stuff based on our previous discussions

Mum4Fergus Sat 21-Oct-17 09:41:07

No engagement ring or proposal...we agreed it’s what we both want and organised it from there.

senzaparole03 Mon 23-Oct-17 12:34:16

We talked about it ages before we properly got engaged.

I bought my dress before we got engaged!! And he knew it.

We talked about babies and weddings and marriage before we got engaged, which was more about formalising it to others than to ourselves.
And now I'm pregnant so the wedding will be a long time off!

MamaDeeGee Sat 25-Nov-17 21:10:07

Weve mostly got ours planned before even been "engaged" we know what we want as we discussed alot before hand and only want a short engagement when we finally come out as engaged,

I think its entirely normal to discuss weddings before been engaged so you both have a ball park of what you will want/ and find some similar exceptions for the big day ( eg huge wedding/small do)

TieGrr Thu 04-Jan-18 22:37:56

We talked about what marriage means to each of us relatively early on. When moving in together, we talked about buying a house together but marriage was still a 'maybe' kind of down the line thing. When we decided to buy together, it became a 'probable', but something that would be thought about after buying. In amongst all that, we'd occasionally discuss what we'd like for our own wedding day in terms of venue, bridal party etc. So, yeah, when he proposed, we had talked about it quite a bit.

QuiteLikeable Thu 04-Jan-18 22:39:52

We did, a bit. Like, we were at a beautiful old abbey one day and talked about how we could get married there, and so on.

I think saying it's 'not normal' is a bit much, as some pp did. It's not normal for them.

riledandharrassed Thu 04-Jan-18 22:40:30

We discuss it all the time ( own properties together and financially tied ) as don’t feel quite ready for it yet and aren’t keen on having to spend on a day for circa 160 people ( large Irish families 😂😂🙏🏼). I could mention it anytime and he wouldn’t think anything of it but we are very open and it won’t be a case of a proposal more of a discussion .

TieGrr Thu 04-Jan-18 22:40:30

Apologies. Am dragging up old threads in my newly-engaged bliss...

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