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Bridesmaid - how to ask!?

(9 Posts)
thecatsthecats Mon 16-Oct-17 09:25:39

Hi smile

I got engaged a week ago, and am just inviting my bridesmaids. I asked my sister because she knew she would be anyway, and I'm asking two other friends.

I spoke to one of them last night, but didn't tell her, because I wanted it to be a surprise to get the card in the post.

The other friend is a bit trickier. She's getting married this Saturday herself, and I don't think that posting it a few days before the wedding feels right, nor does telling her in person before the wedding and pulling her focus/making it about me. There is a slight awkwardness in that she didn't chose me as a bridesmaid (a few people were pretty shocked about that as we're very close). All those people will be at the wedding, and I don't want people chatting about that! I do want her as my bridesmaid though, and I think letting her process any awkwardness privately and separately is better than telling her face to face.

So... I was thinking of putting the card in her present, under the wrappings (the 'wedding' card separate). This doesn't count as 'stealing' the wedding, right? And gives her a little pick me up in the post-wedding blues time.

If anyone thinks it's a bad idea or has a better one, speak now or forever hold your peace!

peglady Mon 16-Oct-17 09:27:44

I think I’d wait til she gets back from her honeymoon. Connecting it to her wedding could make it sound passive aggressive that she didn’t ask you to be hers.

LiveLifeWithPassion Mon 16-Oct-17 09:29:41

I’d wait til after the wedding.
Meet up with her for a catch up and ask or post it to her.

Anecdoche Mon 16-Oct-17 09:29:50

i would leave it a while. until she comes back from honeymoon at the very least

do you know yet when you are marrying? unless it is in the next few months you have oodles of time.

Hollystyrene Mon 16-Oct-17 09:30:46

I agree - detach it completely from her wedding, or else it might be construed as pass agg about the bridesmaid thing, or, as you're already worrying, an attempt to edge into her limelight on her big day.

I'd send it while she's on her honeymoon so she comes back to something nice to look forward too, once the fizz of her own day has gone.

Hollystyrene Mon 16-Oct-17 09:32:44

BUT! Do the friends talk to each other, or is Friend 1 a Facebook/Instagram oversharer? Because if Friend 1 has already got the card, and mentions it to Friend 2, she might assume she's been an after thought? Can Friend 1 keep it under her hat until Friend 2 has been asked?

Sally52014 Mon 16-Oct-17 09:36:42

Don't put the card with her wedding gift. Even though you don't mean it to, it could very easily come across as you trying to make her special time some way about yourself. Ask her when her wedding stuff is completely over!!

Orchidflower1 Mon 16-Oct-17 09:41:28

Have you posted card for friend 1? If not I'd hang on and ask them both within a few days of each other/ same day. Agree one will find out the other was asked earlier as these things always come out - even if it's not until your hen etc. Agree with pp looks VERY passive aggressive if you put it in anything to do with friend 2 wedding- she would have had a reason she didn't ask you( money / numbers etc- if you said you're v close and she may feel bad) Would make me want to say no or at least think hard.

thecatsthecats Mon 16-Oct-17 10:19:11

Unfortunately I can't wait until after the honeymoon as she's going straight back to work, and it isn't until Christmas! People announce their bridesmaids very quickly in my friend group for some reason, so if I left it til then, it would very much seem like an afterthought to me.

Friend 1 is from a totally different friend group and won't be at the wedding, sorry if that wasn't clear. She will 100% definitely call me to squeal, so I can just say 'just leaving friend 2's invite til after the wedding - don't give it away'. The people who were surprised/would make a thing of it will be there.

I know the reason she didn't choose me btw - she wanted her groomsmen and bridesmaids to match in number, had two friends who come as a pair, so therefore could only choose one out of me and another friend, and the other girl had already had her as a bridesmaid. (very much not the decision I would have made -people before matchy-matchy photos! - but I've contributed in other ways to the wedding, and it as her decision to make).

Very glad I asked, as the consensus seems to be 'not in the gift'. But... since I definitely don't want to hang on til Christmas (which IMO makes more of a thing of it than telling soon-ish), when might be good to ask? We live very far apart, so face to face is difficult.

The reason I am inclined to send her the card is that I know that I appreciated time to myself to get over my upset about not being a bridesmaid, so she too might like a little time to deal with any feelings she has before talking to me rather having to feel any guilt etc to my face - it's what I'd like myself in the circumstances!

So, perhaps post it a week or two after the wedding?

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