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How to tell him I feel uncomfortable with the engagement ring?

(47 Posts)
caracola Sat 26-Aug-17 15:48:07

Hello,
My fantastic boyfriend proposed to me recently. I was quite surprised as although we've been together for years, love each other and talk about our future together, we'd never really talked about marriage, and it's not something that's hugely important to me. I value love, security, commitment, our relationship and I'm looking forward to our future together but I've never been a girl who has been planning my wedding since I was a kid. I'm also not really a jewellery girl, I've never worn any jewellery, never had my ears pierced, never wear rings. The ring he proposed with looks lovely but I just feel it's wasted on me and I feel uncomfortable wearing it, both as I'm not used to wearing jewellery and due to the cost (which I accidentally found out when we went to the shop to for ring resizing and the shop assistant left the receipt in front of me). I talked to him about this and he tried to understand but was upset as it's the ring he chose, spent ages researching and wants me to have as that means a lot to him, which I understand. We went back to shops to look at others but I really didn't enjoy it, I found all the shop assistants fussing over us, being over friendly, asking how he proposed to be intimidating, fake, overwhelming and and all the expensive jewellery just really isn't my scene. Feels like putting a price on love and commitment, taking the love out of it. I wanted to get out of the shop, started to feel stupid and ungrateful so agreed to keep the ring. I've been trying to get used to it, I wear it most of the time when I'm with him but take it off when I get home and sometimes put it back in the box and in my bag when I'm out alone. I still feel very conscious of it and uncomfortable, it pokes my other figures, the diamond poking out scrapes on everything, it spins around sometimes and feels tight when I'm warm and I still feel really uncomfortable with the price. I'd must rather spend the money on holidays to have memories, on the wedding or save for a house. I know engagement rings are usually expensive and you have them forever, and it's his choice to pay that price, and it's a lovely gift, but I just really don't think it's me and I don't think a ring is necessary to show commitment, it's just a tradition and what people expect. I also find it a bit weird that the guy gets to choose but the girl has to wear it. Am I being crazy, over thinking it and being ungrateful for a lovely gift? I'm not sure how much longer to keep trying to get used to it or if I should talk to him about it again. Although I doubt the shop would take it back now as I've worn it a bit. Any advice or similar experiences would be appreciated, has anyone else felt similar and ended up getting used to it? Does anyone out there just not have an engagement ring?

OP’s posts: |
Grawp Sat 26-Aug-17 15:56:14

I don't think YABU. I also don't want one if I get engaged/married (although I do like and wear jewellery). Can you give us a guide to how much it was? Not necessarily how much he paid but whether he had to save up for a while to pay for it etc?

Could you keep it for special occasions?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 26-Aug-17 15:58:44

This seems the opposite to the ring thread the other week.

That wasn't enough money. This is too much.

hmm

badbadhusky Sat 26-Aug-17 16:00:03

As long as you plan to get married, you could choose a wedding band that it doesn't go with & 'retire' the engagement ring after the wedding. Or put too much weight on after babies so it doesn't fit any more. blush

Ttbb Sat 26-Aug-17 16:01:55

Look, it's his money and it was his decision to spend it. You wouldn't tell him how to spend his money if it weren't on you would you? This isn't any different. If you don't like wearing it you don't have to wear it all the time. Just tell him that you don't want it to get lost and only wear in when you go out on a date night or something. TBH I am left wkvdering whether this is about the ring at all..,

NataliaOsipova Sat 26-Aug-17 16:03:07

My advice would be to try it for a few weeks. I didn't wear rings before my engagement ring, so it felt a bit strange (as you say, you feel the diamond pokes things). But I soon got used to it and now feel odd without it.

Bluntness100 Sat 26-Aug-17 16:04:01

Why don't you tell him you don't want to wear it all the time, and just wear it when going out or some such? To be fair though, if you persevere you will get used to it and forget its there.

Mushroomburger17 Sat 26-Aug-17 16:09:05

I wouldn't like it. I didn't have an engagement ring. I feel quite claustrophobic with my quite plain wedding ring and take it off at night. I don't like fuss or gaff. Sil has a big fat diamond that sticks out and I always think about how it would catch on everything and get in the way. Is it definitely just the ring or the whole way that he sprung this on you and you feel a bit shocked and uncomfortable about it generally?

You're in this for your whole life and he'll bring it up all the time: where is It? Why aren't you wearing it? Etc. I'd be tempted to put my foot down now.

Hockneypool Sat 26-Aug-17 16:17:05

I don't have an engagement ring. It always seemed like an unnecessary step and very formal - why not just get married.

BackforGood Sat 26-Aug-17 16:22:48

^ I also find it a bit weird that the guy gets to choose but the girl has to wear it.^

I thought that only happened in films.
dh (well, df I suppose at the time) and I went to choose mine together. After all, it's me that is going to wear it, not him.

^ I know engagement rings are usually expensive^

Only some people have expensive rings. It seems silly to spend vast amounts on a piece of jewellery if a couple are struggling to get by / saving for a house deposit or something. So my thining was not far from yours.

However, as you've had it a while, and resized it and worn it about, you won't be able to 'just take it back' now, even if you decided you wanted to. I get that he might also feel sad about that even if you had done it when you could, but equally, if you aren't going to wear it, it seems something of a waste of money.

Pagwatch Sat 26-Aug-17 16:22:59

He isn't insisting you wear it all the time is he?
I think you are in danger of making a huge fuss about not liking the fuss.

FWIW I sometimes help people chose special gifts and I'm not fake when I'm interested in their event. It's often one of the nicest parts of my day. I think you might be being pretty harsh about the shop staff.

Just wear it when you want to and accept it as the gesture he wanted to make.
If he had borrowed or couldn't afford it I'd suggest you talk to him but it doesn't sound like the case here

Tro11Hun73r Sat 26-Aug-17 16:33:04

star

Littlecaf Sat 26-Aug-17 18:36:25

I would feel exactly the same, hence why I'm not married, can't seem to get over the engagement ring thing!

However I'd try it for a month or so. Just to see if I could get used to it.

GreenTulips Sat 26-Aug-17 18:42:49

My DH chose mine and I don't know any friends who chose their own!

NotTheCoolMum Sat 26-Aug-17 18:43:48

I value love, security, commitment, our relationship and I'm looking forward to our future together

Don't we all?

but I've never been a girl who has been planning my wedding since I was a kid.

So judgemental hmm

If you don't want to wear a ring you don't have to. Obviously. Just talk to your fiance for goodness sake.

donajimena Sat 26-Aug-17 18:48:50

I only wear mine if I go out. I don't wear jewellery at all but I treat it as a dress ring. My OH doesn't mind. You need to talk to him.

Huffletuff Sat 26-Aug-17 18:50:02

biscuit

Viviennemary Sat 26-Aug-17 18:50:53

If you don't want a ring then don't have one. But you should have pointed this out before your DP spent a fortune on a ring. I do sympathise up to a point as rings can be irritating if you're not used to wearing them.

mumblechum0 Sat 26-Aug-17 18:52:52

I have a plan.

Sell the proper ring.
Buy a fake (you can get really good fakes these days!)
Use the rest of the money for your house fund or whatever.

tumtitum Sat 26-Aug-17 19:02:06

I felt very awkward with my engagement ring when I first got it (not huge, I just don't normally wear jewellery!) but I got used to I and now I love it. Also went for a far more "bling" wedding band than I thought I would, to match! blush give it a go for a few weeks and see!

mistermagpie Sat 26-Aug-17 20:04:06

You're being a bit precious about it and turning this into a much bigger deal than it is. My engagement ring is gorgeous, it was expensive and I love it, however I don't wear it all the time. I'm married now and have a wedding ring and an eternity ring too, both of which I also love but I don't wear them all the time either.

I wear them when I'm going 'out' ('out out' as opposed to just out of the house) and sometimes if I just feel like it, but more often than not they sit by my bed. My DH has never even commented and neither has anyone else. Occasionally people think I'm not married because I didn't change my name either, but so what?

You don't have to wear it all the time. You chose to keep it rather than take it back though, so I'd stop making a fuss about it and just wear it if the mood takes you.

Piewraith Sat 26-Aug-17 21:13:19

No point being uncomfortable with the cost, because he's already spent the money and you can't get a refund. If you are going to marry this guy hopefully he is sensible with money and has spent what he can afford, even if it's more than you might have spent yourself.

Not everyone wears their engagement ring or wedding ring every day, why don't you just keep it for date night or special occasions.

chamenanged30 Thu 31-Aug-17 17:15:29

Wow. I'm parking to watch this. wine

allegretto Thu 31-Aug-17 17:22:43

I felt very much the same! I never did get used to mine and a few years after our wedding I got it reset as an eternity ring style. The original ring was beautiful but never fitted right, always caught on things and sort of annoyed me. My "new" engagement ring is less blingy (diamonds set lower) but I can wear it all the time withou worrying aboit it. I finally love it!

Bumdishcloths Thu 31-Aug-17 17:40:30

I love my engagement ring but I'm terrified of losing it so I don't wear it much - because it means a lot to me and I'd be devastated. DH chose it, on his own, and it's the perfect choice. As it's an odd shape it didn't fit with conventional wedding bands, so I wear my wedding band on its own. On special occasions I wear the engagement ring on my other hand.

I think, to be honest, you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Wear the ring until your wedding day, then if you hate it switch it for the wedding band and keep the engagement ring safe. Stop making a fuss over what is a very thoughtful token of love.

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