Hi all, i'm having some serious doubts and hoping that typing all my thoughts out might make things a little clearer. I also ought to say that i'm so indecisive with everything in my life and i just dont know if this is normal cold feet or worse.
My boyfriend and i met travelling just over 4 years ago. He proposed a year and a half ago (at the time i didn't feel ready but didnt want to hurt him by saying no, i also knew that for him that would be the end of the relationship which i didn't want, and i reasoned that by the time the wedding came around i'd feel ready). Fast forward to now and we're due to get married in Europe in sept, with the legal part of the wedding at a registry office in the uk 2 weeks later. The thing is, i still don't know what to do.
My boyfriend is a great guy in many ways - he would never cheat, he's caring, i can 100% trust him, he can be very supportive, he cares a lot about his family and would make a great dad. But on the other hand he gets mad very quickly, has a tendancy to blame me for everything even if i didnt do it or its not important, is very defensive, says the nastiest things in arguments just to upset me, calls me stupid if i don't have the same opinion as him and often orders me about as if I work for him and i'm not his partner. I feel like i have to watch what i say in case i say the wrong thing by accident, and i'm pretty sure that he thinks he's better than me. He is also in my opinion far too concerned with money which to me is a big fundament difference between us.
The thing is his family are lovely. I also can't wait to have children and i'm worried if i end things then i might not be in the same position to start a family until i'm too old. I know he'll be a great dad and hope that having a child will mellow him out. He isn't a bad person, i really do love and care for him, and i can't stand the thought of anything hurting or upsetting him. Its just that i don't know if we are right for each other. He never kisses me which used to really sadden me but now i don't expect anything different. I wouldn't describe him as my soul mate but i dont know if they really exist. I would say it's a realistic relationship if that makes sense, not head over heels romatic, love at first sight. I'm worried that if i break it off to chase something i might not ever find then i would be giving up on someone that i should be content with.
Its also complicated by the fact that we own a house together, which i paid for but we are both listed as owners; we agreed before we signed that should we break up then he would sign it back to me but now he claims he won't do that. I also lent him money to pay off credit card debts - although he has started to pay me back he doesn't seem that committed or act as if its a priority which really bothers me as if it were the other way around i'd pay him back straight away before anything else. We have a lot of arguments about money and its got to the stage where i can't even mention it - all i want is an assurance that it is a priority for him, its important to me because it was everything that i'd saved for my future training and education, and it hurts me that he doesnt seem to see the value in that. As awful as it is to say, if we stay together i know i'll slowly get it back, but i have serious doubts that i will if we break up.
Now for the wedding - as a destination wedding i would feel awful to cancel as almost everyone has booked up already and i have a friend coming from Australia and family from New Zealand. It will be one of the few times in recent years that my family will all be together which is so important to me and i was really looking forward to that. Its also way past the deadline for getting any kind of payments back. As its just a ceremony and not the legal part is it crazy to think that i should go through with it and see how i feel before we actually sign anything? That way no one would miss out on their holiday, we wouldn't lose out money-wise and it would give me more time to make such a huge decision. I would really value any advice, i'm so torn about this.
Thank you in advance
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19 replies
L09a09h · 24/07/2017 00:05
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