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Doubts

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L09a09h Mon 24-Jul-17 00:05:58

Hi all, i'm having some serious doubts and hoping that typing all my thoughts out might make things a little clearer. I also ought to say that i'm so indecisive with everything in my life and i just dont know if this is normal cold feet or worse.

My boyfriend and i met travelling just over 4 years ago. He proposed a year and a half ago (at the time i didn't feel ready but didnt want to hurt him by saying no, i also knew that for him that would be the end of the relationship which i didn't want, and i reasoned that by the time the wedding came around i'd feel ready). Fast forward to now and we're due to get married in Europe in sept, with the legal part of the wedding at a registry office in the uk 2 weeks later. The thing is, i still don't know what to do.

My boyfriend is a great guy in many ways - he would never cheat, he's caring, i can 100% trust him, he can be very supportive, he cares a lot about his family and would make a great dad. But on the other hand he gets mad very quickly, has a tendancy to blame me for everything even if i didnt do it or its not important, is very defensive, says the nastiest things in arguments just to upset me, calls me stupid if i don't have the same opinion as him and often orders me about as if I work for him and i'm not his partner. I feel like i have to watch what i say in case i say the wrong thing by accident, and i'm pretty sure that he thinks he's better than me. He is also in my opinion far too concerned with money which to me is a big fundament difference between us.

The thing is his family are lovely. I also can't wait to have children and i'm worried if i end things then i might not be in the same position to start a family until i'm too old. I know he'll be a great dad and hope that having a child will mellow him out. He isn't a bad person, i really do love and care for him, and i can't stand the thought of anything hurting or upsetting him. Its just that i don't know if we are right for each other. He never kisses me which used to really sadden me but now i don't expect anything different. I wouldn't describe him as my soul mate but i dont know if they really exist. I would say it's a realistic relationship if that makes sense, not head over heels romatic, love at first sight. I'm worried that if i break it off to chase something i might not ever find then i would be giving up on someone that i should be content with.

Its also complicated by the fact that we own a house together, which i paid for but we are both listed as owners; we agreed before we signed that should we break up then he would sign it back to me but now he claims he won't do that. I also lent him money to pay off credit card debts - although he has started to pay me back he doesn't seem that committed or act as if its a priority which really bothers me as if it were the other way around i'd pay him back straight away before anything else. We have a lot of arguments about money and its got to the stage where i can't even mention it - all i want is an assurance that it is a priority for him, its important to me because it was everything that i'd saved for my future training and education, and it hurts me that he doesnt seem to see the value in that. As awful as it is to say, if we stay together i know i'll slowly get it back, but i have serious doubts that i will if we break up.

Now for the wedding - as a destination wedding i would feel awful to cancel as almost everyone has booked up already and i have a friend coming from Australia and family from New Zealand. It will be one of the few times in recent years that my family will all be together which is so important to me and i was really looking forward to that. Its also way past the deadline for getting any kind of payments back. As its just a ceremony and not the legal part is it crazy to think that i should go through with it and see how i feel before we actually sign anything? That way no one would miss out on their holiday, we wouldn't lose out money-wise and it would give me more time to make such a huge decision. I would really value any advice, i'm so torn about this.

Thank you in advance

OP’s posts: |
Pallisers Mon 24-Jul-17 00:13:16

1. you shouldn't marry someone because you "didnt want to hurt him by saying no"

2. You are rationalising yourself into settling for a man you don't love just in case there isn't someone better out there. Don't do that.

3. He is telling you who he is with the house and the credit card debt. I think he sees you as a fantastic opportunity - and not in a good way

Cut your losses. No one who loves you or even likes you or even knows you would want you to marry the wrong person just in case it spoiled their holiday.

Cancel. Get out of it. There is someone better out there for you and even if there isn't, living alone is heaven compared to the hell of living with the wrong man - read the relationship threads on here - misery.

OhTheRoses Mon 24-Jul-17 00:16:56

Marriage is hard enough when you know in your heart and deep down in the pit of your stomach that everything is absolutely 100% right.

Just before you run for the hills go and see a solicitor to get clarity about your assets. Then tell him it's off. Then put your head together with family and friends about the holiday. Bet they all heave a sigh of relief and fess up that they have always thought him an arse and not good enough for you.

Massive red flags op. Huge. Don't do it. Good luck.

Rubies12345 Mon 24-Jul-17 03:13:17

Well you could do the fake wedding in Europe then 2 weeks later not go to the registry office as planned. Say you want to hold off because of financial issues you want to resolve first, the debts etc. Then you will have time to decide.

catwithflowers Mon 24-Jul-17 07:18:44

Everything OhTheRoses said. Your family may be surprised if you cancel the wedding but ultimately will want you to be happy and I'm sure they will be supportive. As for the travel plans, you can still have the family holiday/get-together, you just won't be married to someone you don't really love (because, despite your protestations to the contrary, that is what you are saying)

The financial control and intimidation sounds awful and you really do need to seek financial advice asap. Very best of luck 🍀

Flimp Mon 24-Jul-17 07:36:56

You're already walking on egg shells and managing his mood.

He looks down on you.

You have fundamentally different values about money. This won't change. You will argue your whole married life.

Having a baby does not mellow people - it's stressful.

He doesn't kiss you sad

Please don't get married because you don't want to inconvenience people.

He's actually told you he won't give you your house back.

That is not a nice man!

Have a look at sunk cost fallacy.

DownUdderer Mon 24-Jul-17 07:50:11

I think you know in your heart you don't want to marry this guy! It's far easier to cancel a wedding than it is to get a divorce.

SomeonesRealName Mon 24-Jul-17 08:52:03

L09a09h can I suggest you report your own post and ask for it to be moved to relationships where you will get more traffic and the benefit of expertise. I feel very strongly that you need to get out of there at all costs. This is going to end very badly for you and none of your friends or relatives would want that. Deep down you know this. See a solicitor and find a counsellor. Sign up for the Freedom Programme. Tell your real life support network what you've told us on here.

SomeonesRealName Mon 24-Jul-17 08:54:16

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

SomeonesRealName Mon 24-Jul-17 09:16:13

"...if we stay together i know i'll slowly get it back, but i have serious doubts that i will if we break up".

I'm afraid this is unlikely to be true. If he's financially abusive, which he appears to be from what you have said, your personal financial position will not improve until you are no longer being financially abused because you have cut ties with him. You won't slowly get your money back and you will end up facing retirement with a much smaller pot than you would otherwise have had. They don't change.

Jojo13 Mon 24-Jul-17 15:08:11

OP did typing out your thoughts make things any clearer?

I feel from reading your post you know the real answer.
Marriage and certainly babies do not make things any better.

DownUdderer Tue 25-Jul-17 03:23:34

You've been on my mind OP. Hope you're ok

Mum4Fergus Thu 27-Jul-17 15:27:19

Don't settle for this life OP, it's short enough as it is flowers see a lawyer to get the finances sorted including mortgage and what he owes you - good luck x

SomeonesRealName Sun 30-Jul-17 08:30:24

I also keep thinking back to this thread. OP I know just how it feels to post about your relationship on here and have people tell you some hard truths. I hope you don't do what I did and stick your head in the sand. I deeply regret going ahead with my wedding and marrying my abusive ex. It's bloody hard to leave but you only get one life and spending it with someone who mistreats you in the ways you have described should not be an option you consider.

3brightstars Tue 22-Aug-17 17:45:05

Hi OP, I don't often reply to posts but had to reply to this as he sounds quite like my ex and I am SO much happier apart, I can't even tell you!!

Bluntly, marrying him will be a mistake.

You say he's caring, supportive & you can trust him, but the things you mention in your 3rd paragraph and the part about paying you back not being a priority REALLY contradict this. It doesn't sound like he values you very much. The relationship sounds one-sided and more about what it offers him and how it makes his life better rather than benefitting both of you.

Also, it's crap being in a relationship where you don't feel able to relax and be yourself and it eats away at your self-confidence, I didn't even realise how much till I left.

There's a post somewhere in the relationships forum called The Abuser Profiles, might be a sticky, based on Lundy Bancroft's book, which I would recommend you read. Some of the points on Mr Right and The Demand Man really resonated with me and I suspect will with you too.

Best wishes x

3brightstars Tue 22-Aug-17 17:52:25

Forgot to say, the stuff about realistic relationships, that sounds like you've conditioned youself into thinking that way because it's normal for you. One of my friends once said to me that my ex sounded like a not-very-great-partner, but what she found worse was she could tell by the way I talked about it that I couldn't even see it because it was normal to me.

And as to being a great dad, he won't be, he'll be a fun dad who plays with his kids and looks great on the surface but will leave all the work involved to you. All those things which cause issue's between you and him, will also start to come between him & his children as they grow up.

TwitterQueen1 Tue 22-Aug-17 17:57:02

The simple fact that you have doubts and have written a massively long post about them is your answer.

Plus what everyone else has said.

tinypop4 Tue 22-Aug-17 19:08:52

My sister marries someone because she didn't want to say know and she hoped her feelings would change.
They were divorced 18mo later after she had chheated on him with the person she's now married to 10 years later.
Don't do it- it will be expensive and ultimately heart breaking for both of you if it doesn't work out. Halt it now and give yourself both a chance to find the person you do want to marry

user1499786242 Tue 22-Aug-17 19:56:45

Run

user1499786242 Tue 22-Aug-17 19:56:51

Fast

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