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Best man - feeling a bit uncomfortable with fiance's choice?

(3 Posts)
user1499609760 Mon 10-Jul-17 11:01:35

Hi all,

I just wanted to get a few opinions to see if I'm being unreasonable or odd about this.

My husband-to-be has asked a friend of his to be kind of co-best man/groomsman at our wedding next summer. The thing is that I am not too happy with having this man be part of our wedding party due to a very unpleasant incident when we all went on holiday together last year.

The four of us (me + dh, best man + his partner) shared an apartment at a seaside resort for a week; we hired a car between us. At the beginning it was just that the best man and his +1 would head out themselves for a walk or whatever, and we'd arrange to meet all together at the beach or a bar later; invariably they would text or call to say they weren't coming, often after my dh & I had made our way to the meeting place, thus messing up our morning or whatever.

We made plans to go out for some excursions in the car, including one that was 3+ hours in each direction, with my dh doing all the driving. Now, we were happy to go to this faraway place, but then the best man & his +1 wanted to do another two similar excursions, again with 2-3 hours' driving in each direction, which my dh & I weren't keen on because, y'know, it's a holiday and the idea of spending successive days cooped up in a hot car to then spend a couple of hours on a beach, when we had other beaches right at our doorstep, didn't really appeal. We asked about adding the best man as an additional driver to the car so they could go off themselves, but he wouldn't pay the 60 euro fee for that. My dh even offered to pay himself (knowing it would help things if they could go off themselves), but the best man refused that.

Things were becoming quite tense as the other pair felt like we weren't doing what they wanted on the holiday, despite offers for the car etc., and began avoiding us, and us them. They were due to spend 6 nights in the apartment, then on the 7th day we would bring them to the nearby town with the airport, and they would stay overnight in a hotel there as it was an early flight. The same night, my parents were arriving to spend the second week with my dh & me by the sea, so we would drop off the best man and pick up my parents. However, the night before, the best man announced that in fact he & his partner were staying the 7th night in the apartment, and not in the hotel, basically changing the arrangements and leaving my parents somewhat in the lurch. I was furious and very upset, not only for the disrespect to me & my dh but also inconveniencing someone else's family like that.

Since then my dh has gradually got back into contact with him, whereas I haven't seen him or spoken to him since, nor do I really want to. I think my dh values the friendship, even if from what he's told me (even before this holiday) the best man sounds rather manipulative & controlling: he cheated on his partner for more than a year and basically made my dh complicit, meeting up with the 'new' partner for meals with my dh, and of course my dh can't say anything about it!

Apologies for the essay, but now this man will supposedly be a kind of best man/groomsman at the wedding. Am I unreasonable to feel a bit upset about it? He has never apologised to me (or my parents, incidentally), nor has he ever apologised even to my dh - my dh basically ended up apologising/asking for it to be water under the bridge, in order to salvage the friendship. Would I be out of line to say I don't want him as groomsman? Of course he would be invited to the wedding, I just don't know if I want him so closely involved?

Again, apologies for the essay, but any & all perspectives welcome!

OP’s posts: |
BackforGood Mon 10-Jul-17 23:49:20

Let it go.
It is your dh's choice.
So - you didn't want the same thing from a holiday - it doesn't mean he's not be a good friend to your dh over a number of years. Just leave it that you won't go on holiday again together. I've got loads of people I am very close to that have a very different idea of what they want from a holiday, from what I want - we don't go on holiday together, but it doesn't mean we don't get on in the rest of our lives.

I thought you were going to say he'd done something terrible to you.

TheCraicDealer Tue 11-Jul-17 00:11:51

Let it go. He sounds like a selfish prick (leaving your DH to do all the driving? Changing plans to suit himself leaving other people without a bed? Rude.) but if your FH has decided to put it aside and ask him to be there I think you've simply got to respect his choice.

I think I would try to downgrade him to the relatively harmless role of groomsman/usher rather than as a best man, simply because I'd worry that he would let down or upset my DP over the stag or speeches or whatever. But if your DP resists that you've just got to go, "ok" and support him when knobhead inevitably reverts to type.

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