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Will people think I'm a prick for not having an engagement ring?

(37 Posts)
MadameSzyszkoBohush Fri 02-Jun-17 13:00:45

I've just got engaged, DP didn't get me a ring as he knows I'm unsure about having one, says we can go choose one if I want. But I hate all the stuff around engagement rings - the fact that you're supposed to go "oooh" at everyone's ring (where I have worked this seemed to be compulsory), the holding your hand up to the camera Facebook picture, the "it should cost 2 months of the mans salary" that people trot out as tradition when it was actually an ad campaign and then you seem to have to wear it constantly (I would prefer to wear it when I want, not everyday).

Obviously I know I can just not get a ring, but if I tell people I'm engaged they will probably ask why I haven't got a ring and if I tell them all my reasons I'll basically be saying they're bollocks and making them feel stupid for wanting/having one. And I'll have to explain myself everytime? Or can I just say "I didn't want one"? I think I'm overthinking this, aren't i?! grin

OP’s posts: |
GoldTippedFeather Fri 02-Jun-17 13:15:29

It's completely up to you, don't feel pressured by societal expectations!

I have one only because it gets passed down in DH family. I do like it but very rarely wear it and I often forgo my wedding ring too as I am just not a jewellery person. DH knows and it doesn't bother him, as he says we are no less committed because I sometimes don't wear a ring.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Fri 02-Jun-17 13:18:12

Do whatever works for you!

I have a ring I adore. Nowhere near 2 months salary - the damn wedding isn't costing 2 months salary! I have not done the ooh thing because it makes me uncomfortable, but very few people have asked to see it - it's on my hand, they can see it anyway!!

Azure Fri 02-Jun-17 13:39:54

I didn't have an engagement ring for many of the reasons you mentioned. It was pre-social media days, but I just said I didn't want one / it wasn't important to me rather than elaborate on my reasons, because I didn't want to imply other people were wrong (which of course they aren't - it's a personal decision). After 17 years of marriage there hasn't been a moment I've missed having one. Congratulations by the way!

sonyaya Fri 02-Jun-17 13:42:00

Congratulations! No, nothing wrong at all with not having one and you don't have to explain yourself. I love my engagement ring and rarely take it off but it's a personal choice and anyone who gives you a hard time about it is a bit of a dick.

ElspethFlashman Fri 02-Jun-17 13:48:15

I have a friend who didn't want a ring. Not only the stuff you say but also cos that typical engagement ring style just wasn't her. The sticky up setting. The girliness of most of them.

She went back and forth and was conflicted cos she knew people would be a bit where's the ring and she didn't want it to be this big thing that she had no ring and having to explain it and the tediousness of people's expectations etc etc.

Anyway in the end she got an eternity ring as an engagement ring. She ended up loving it far more than she expected as it was really white and sparkly. It was just a simple thin one. Something to show people. But to this day she wears the two together and they really are very cool looking in a minimalist urban way. Very practical too, she never has to think about it or take it off.

witchelm Fri 02-Jun-17 13:51:20

You know, I bet if you said "We're getting married" rather than "we've just gotten engaged" people wouldn't ask to see the ring! "Engaged" conjures up an image of kneeling, ring in hand etc.
In any case, if you say oh I didn't want one - no one will question it. I know loads of people who only wear a band.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Fri 02-Jun-17 13:52:04

I'd think you were a prick if you got a ring you didn't want because you were worried about what some people would think.

I don't have a ring. At the time it was because it was a pita to find one we liked and then I started thinking about it and actually I don't like all the patriarchal bullshit that goes with a ring (I'm not property ffs) and the stupid waste of money and decided not to get one.

Now I am glad I didn't have a ring.

Laska5772 Fri 02-Jun-17 13:53:50

I dont have an engagement ring and I dont have a wedding ring either..Dont like rings and never wear them. Neither does he. I didnt change my name either . We are very happily married been together 24yrs.. (married 11). no need to give into the pressure .

The money we might have spent on rings went on fab holiday/honeymoon!!

Ive never had to explain the no rings but iILs do sometimes still try to call me Mrs Rx and i have to explaing gently once more that I am Ms Jxx instead!

APaperMe Fri 02-Jun-17 13:54:17

I don't have an engagement ring and rarely wear my wedding ring, I just find jewellery uncomfortable, I've been married 12 years and nobody has ever mentioned it.

GlowWine Fri 02-Jun-17 14:05:24

No engagement ring, we just 'got married' as another poster explained above, no 'engagement' and no-one battted an eyelid. We do have wedding rings but they're simple gold bands.

Smellybluecheese Fri 02-Jun-17 14:06:44

Yep, also don't have an engagement ring for all the reasons already mentioned. Plus the standard old diamond solitaire thing is really not my style. Only a few people have ever commented. I have an eternity ring as a wedding ring which I love.

Cineraria Fri 02-Jun-17 14:10:51

I don't have an engagement ring, just a wedding ring so far. We discussed future plans on our first date:

DH: I'm looking to settle down and have children. I only want to date someone who'd consider it if things go well for us

Me: I'd consider children with the right man but I'd want to be married and buy a house first.

So we never got engaged as such. Just arranged our wedding as soon as we bought a house together and told people when we'd booked the church etc. that we'd got round to setting a date. I think most assumed we'd been engaged for a while and they hadn't noticed, so they never asked about the ring.

DH asked if I wanted an engagement ring and I said that I don't like sticky out stones, so I'd rather have a pretty wedding band (filigree with a tiny diamond and both our birthstones inset) and a thin eternity ring with any children's birthstones in it after we're done having children. Looks like they will both be tourmaline/opal babies, unless DS2 turns up very early. I tell people that if they ask and most think it's a nice idea.

I think lots of people don't wear their engagement ring daily after they are married, so no one is going to be interested enough to ask eventually.

daydreamnation Fri 02-Jun-17 14:11:14

I chose a cute little silver ring from tatty divine, it was £22. It's a very thin and simple and as it looks like a silver bow tied around my finger, both dh and I thought it was perfect as an engagement ring smile

BeyondStrongAndStable Fri 02-Jun-17 14:16:23

My engagement ring makes my eczema flare (wedding ring is fine) if you want an excuse wink

ClemDanfango Fri 02-Jun-17 14:18:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Naemates Fri 02-Jun-17 14:20:38

I had a £1.50 bracelet from a sealife centre. Do what's right for you

drspouse Fri 02-Jun-17 14:21:49

If you do decide to get an engagement ring, I suggest taking a picture of it somehow. I had a vintage ring, lost it, and got it replaced on insurance by having a custom one made from the photos DH had taken to show it off (not on FB, we are old).

Timeforabiscuit Fri 02-Jun-17 14:23:44

I got a haribo one grin

MelinaMercury Fri 02-Jun-17 14:26:42

DH got me an engagement ring which now sits in a box in my drawer and I didn't want a wedding ring because I just don't do jewellery.

I do get a surprised look sometimes when I say I'm married because of it and a few friends have been a bit puzzled by it, but I didn't change my name either which I think they thought was weird but makes no difference to us smile

ThreeForAPound Fri 02-Jun-17 14:28:34

We didn't 'get engaged'. We just said we were getting married, set the date and that was that.

I don't wear rings (other than my very simple platinum wedding band) and if I was to wear a diamond, it would have to be a absolutely beautiful fuck-off great rock, which we couldn't afford at the time or ever grin

So no, you arent a prick for not having a ring! Not in the slightest.

DeliciouslyHella Fri 02-Jun-17 14:42:48

You really don't have to have one.

DH did the whole 'down on one knee, ring in hand' proposal and although it's a lovely ring - 5 years on, I don't wear it. I stopped pretty quickly after we got married. I now wear my eternity ring on my ring finger and nothing else.

Your hand, your choice, no one else's business.

Muskey Fri 02-Jun-17 14:44:19

I have been married for thirty years I have not worn my engagement ring or my wedding ring since I had my dc as my fingers went all puffy when I was pregnant and they never went back to normal. Traditionally rings are a promise or commitment but this thing about spending two months wages on them where on earth did that come from. you really don't have to spend a lot of money telling somebody you love them and want to spend a lifetime with them. For the record my engagement ring cost fifty pounds in contrast my neice recently got engaged and her ring cost £5000 it is a beautiful ring but they both complaining that they don't have much money for a wedding. Hummmm why didn't you spend the money on a wedding rather than a ring

grafittiartist Fri 02-Jun-17 14:44:34

I don't have one. He asked, I said yes, we got married. Not compulsory. Congratulations!

wiltingfast Fri 02-Jun-17 14:45:21

You don't have to get a traditional ring. Just get a ring you love. I mean there are GORGEOUS rings in the shops.

A friend of mine got a claddagh ring. similar

Another got a I think it's called a dress ring. similar

Neither bothered with a traditional wedding or diamond band.

So really, definitely DO WHAT YOU WANT! but have a good look at what's out there first grin

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