Fil refusing to attend

[bookbuddy]

We have planed for a parents, sibling only wedding as we are having small wedding. The plans are not new. Fil is now refusing to come unless we invite his sister as she's upset about it and feels hurt with our plans.

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

Tell fil you are disappointed he won't be there but you have made your wedding arrangements the way that's best for you and dp. If you give in to him that's what he will expect your whole married life. . His own way.

[Crunchybadger]

Anyone who's willing to try and manipulate you to behave the way they want doesn't deserve an invite.

So in one move, your FIL has (a) revealed he's a bully and (b) uninvited himself.

Win win!

Shrug and say "fine, your choice". Do not let him spoil your day.

Maybe ask your soon to be DH to talk to his aunt if she is hurt, is not a narc and they are close? Either way, it's got nothing to do with FIL.

[SoulAccount]

So his sister is more important to him than his own son?
And / Or he expects to be able to force his wish through a situation by using emotional blackmail?

Did you discuss the nature of the wedding with your families before announcing it?

[bookbuddy]

We discussed it with parents first all seemed happy with the arrangements once the notice was complete the booking was confirmed so we announced it to the rest of the family. We understood some people would be dissapointed so we told them personally and all including fil's sister have expressed their excitement to us.

[bookbuddy]

Just to add Its a destination wedding and numbers are extremely limited due to the size of the venue. DF can't contact his aunt as he is not ment to know how upset she is.

[SoulAccount]

So the secrecy is based either on the aunt being upset but not wanting her DN to know, I.e she is disappointed but prepared to to the right thing and not make a fuss, OR FIL is gatekeeping and not allowing free communication.

"come on Dad, you are not being fair or reasonable about this. Just let me talk to aunt and let her know it isn't personal " or "Dad, we discussed this. I am sorry if she is disappointed, and am prepared to talk to her, but in tne end, if you don't come you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Do you think aunt will feel better if you miss my wedding on behalf of her?"

I assume there is no drip feed such as your DH lived with his aunt for most of his childhood, or something?

[troodiedoo]

One day I hope we live in a world where wedding guests realise it's totally wrong to dictate terms of their attendance.

Understandable for someone to be upset at lack of invite but keep it to yourself and wish the couple well. That's basic!

[bookbuddy]

No no drip feed they are close as he is with his other aunt of his dads side, when FIL asked about her coming we both weighed it up and we can fit all the other aunts and uncles in so we said no. Now he's saying it he won't come as I have more family on my side i.e. My mum is present DF's is not unfortunately and I have more siblings. So in FIL eyes it's not fair as I'll have more family than DF at the wedding.

[bookbuddy]

Can't fit

[UpLighter]

Has he realised with his time that life isn't 'fair'? And it isn't even about fairness it is about your wedding.
I really feel for you with all this. I would stick to your plans. If fil doesn't feel he can attend then he will miss out on yours and his ds wedding.
I hope you and df have a great day and wonderful marriage

[CaptainBraandPants]

We had a similar sized wedding. Parents, grandparents and siblings, siblings OHs and nieces/ nephews..
DH had 3 grandparents alive at the time, I had none. So, do you think he shouldn't have invited them?
However, I have 3 siblings and DH doesn't, so maybe I shouldn't have invited them?
Counting up, I had 8 guests and DH had 5. But, you know what, itdoesn't matter.
Tell FIL that you are sorry he won't be attending and carry on without him. I'm sure you'll have a lovely day. Congratulations

[bookbuddy]

Thanks for your support, it's made me feel really bad tbh we thought we've been as fair to both sides as we can every one received the news personally and we tried to involve everyone showing them the venue and saying we will hold a reception when we get back. I feel bad for my DF as it stands he'll have only 1 member of his family there as his other sibling will be to young to attend alone.

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

That sounds harsh Op - sorry for you guys going through that.

Just playing devils advocate though, is FIL right about numbers in absolute terms? Are there more on your side that your fiancé's? So although the same categories of relatives are invited, there's double that amount on your side IYSWIM??

[bookbuddy]

There are more on my side I've got my mum & dad 4 siblings on his side it's his dad, dads partner & 2 siblings we could fit his aunt in but not all of the other aunts & uncles so we would upset all the others. Feels like we're in a no win situation. My mum and dad are attending alone they broke up 15 years ago.

[glitterglitters]

I had this with df's partner and he fact her (vile) adult children weren't invited. Sent my df a text saying "That's such a shame, she will be missed on our special day". Left it as that. Funnily enough she ended up coming. 😜

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

So he is happy for your DP to get married without any of his parents present? He sounds an absolute peach.

[troodiedoo]

OP you can't have a wedding without someone getting the hump. Sounds like you've bent over backwards trying to take everyone else's feelings into account. Time to focus on you and future hubby now and having the exact day that you want, which will be amazing whoever comes.

[SoulAccount]

What a knob he is being.

Hopefully his Dw will prevail with some common sense.

[WicksEnd]

Tell him if he's not coming, that'll make space for DF's aunt!

[SarcasmMode]

Haha I'd say same as Wicks.

Not coming FIL? Excellent DA can come!

[bookbuddy]

WicksEnd DF thought about that. Well it is horrible but we aren't willing to alienate everyone else we already had to uninvite 2 witnesses which was bad enough we thought that was the worst we'd have to endure again that was fil getting in a ''tis about it. It was my aunt and uncle we chose for witnesses as all the rest of our aunts are godparents to our children, we are not having any more so as 1 of my aunts and 2 of his are godparents we thought it would be fair to have my aunt as witness. It went down like a lead ballon and i had a very awkward chat with her. She was very understanding thankfully. We are just going to have to do it our way and hope it will blow over I suppose

[Pineapplemilkshake]

Call his bluff. I bet he'll come anyway. We had this with a few members of DH's family before our wedding, but held firm, they all came in the end.

[CotswoldStrife]

So your MIL is not going - is that because of the 'destination' element?

I can kind of see your FIL's issue - you could invite your Aunt and Uncle to be witnesses but couldn't invite your DH-to-be's Aunt as well? I can see how that would come across to him. Even though you have uninvited the witnesses now, it does come across as excluding people rather than including.

Has the upset occurred relatively recently, in the last couple of days? Might be worth giving it a week and seeing if it settles down.

[expatinscotland]

Stand firm or he'll bully you the rest of your lives. He choses his sister over his son just to push his own way on his son's wedding? What a fucking wanker.

[bookbuddy]

Mil is not around at all hasn't been for most of DF life, FIL was aware of the plans and happy with them before we got the confirmation and told the rest of the family the news. We saw his pov about aunt & uncle and changed the plans because we can't fit them all in.