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How do I handle this

(11 Posts)
PenguinDi Wed 01-Mar-17 13:50:16

I am getting married in September and having a low key, country pub, casual wedding. I moved from my home town about 18 months ago to be with my DP and have never been happier with my life. I asked my bestie (of 20 years) to be a bridesmaid at the start as that is what I had always imagined, but she doesn't seem interested in it, has a history of MH issues so I do have to tread carefully. I had to say the last time we spoke that I was thinking of changing the wedding party size and just having DSD as bridesmaid, needless to say it didn't go down well.

I want her to be at my wedding but I don't know how to deal with this being so far away.
(MNHQ please move if not in the right place)

Gazelda Wed 01-Mar-17 13:53:03

I'm Not sure what you're asking?
Do you mean that she's declined to be BM?
Or that she's accepted but doesn't seem very excited?
Or that she isn't being proactive with jobs you'd expect her to take responsibility for?
Do you want her to be BM?

LittleRed90 Wed 01-Mar-17 13:56:52

Hmmmmm.... tough one. I think you're right, you'll need to tread very carefully but at the same time, you don't want to be constantly treading on egg-shells, do you?

I would have a proper sit down conversation with her... go for a nice lunch perhaps. Ask how she's doing and ask if she's okay with being a bridesmaid? Maybe try to make an effort to discuss bridesmaids things and ask for her opinion/include her a bit? And then change the subject, I can't stand it when my friends drone on about their weddings and don't take the time to ask how I am or talk about anything else (not saying you do, just something to be mindful of!).

Two of my bridesmaids also seemed totally uninterested and too wrapped up in their own lives and at the time, I was bent out of shape but I'm glad that I didn't demote them as such. She's your friend at the end of the day and as you've said, having her as a bridesmaid is something you've always imagined. Hope you get on okay with this, try not to worry too much x

MiddleClassProblem Wed 01-Mar-17 14:04:33

I don't understand do you want her to be a bridesmaid or not?

Why would you ask her then say actually we don't need you? If she didn't want to or didn't seem up for it you leave it up to her or say "i understand if you're not comfortable with it and you can say no and I'd love to have you there either way" or something.

Even if she didn't 100% want to do it you've now kinda said that you'd rather she didn't which would make anyone feel a bit crap.

FrenchLavender Wed 01-Mar-17 14:14:47

I don't understand what you are asking either. confused

Is it that she showed such a lack of interest and commitment to being bridesmaid and her MH history makes her unreliable so you though it might just be easier to gently retract the offer, and now you've done so she's got the hump about it?

If that's the case then I think you need to just tell her straight. You'd love her to be your BM but you sense she's being noncommittal and a bit flaky about it and you can't be messed around, so if she's unsure about making the journey or any other aspect of it then you'd appreciate it if she'd just be honest so you can get on and make plans without her.

Rubies12345 Wed 01-Mar-17 16:31:38

If she has MH issues it's a bit harsh to sack her.

What difference does it really make? she'll come for one day, try on dresses, then turn up on the wedding day in her dress.

PenguinDi Wed 01-Mar-17 18:37:56

I want her at my wedding I have tried to help from where I am. I understand that it comes across as BU, but at the end of the day I would like to have my step daughter with me only. I'm not even having my sisters as bridesmaids, the way I'm looking at it is that everyone is in the wedding party it doesn't matter where you sit/stand.

I was asking for advice but I know there is a lot of underlying issues, I just don't want to lose her.

PurpleDaisies Wed 01-Mar-17 18:44:09

I don't think you can ditch someone as a bridesmaid if you want to stay friends with them.

If a friend did this to me I'd be absolutely gutted. I can't see how you can expect her to take it well.

Gazelda Wed 01-Mar-17 21:47:41

I'm afraid I agree with PurpleDaisies.

nuttyknitter Wed 01-Mar-17 21:50:52

Sorry - you can't 'un-ask' someone and expect them to be happy about it. Particularly cruel if they already have MH issues.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 01-Mar-17 22:39:30

Why did you ask her in the first place?

Did you only change your mind because she's unenthusiastic?

Either way, the way you have gone about it isn't very nice.

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