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Regretting instant decision

(22 Posts)
Slgregory901 Thu 16-Feb-17 01:27:04

Has anyone ever been caught up in the whole "I am getting married" whirlwind and instantly asked a friend to be a bridesmaid knowing deep down you would probably regret it along the line?

I've asked someone but now worry everyday about this person being bridesmaid. I don't want to tell them they can't be but I feel like it's causing me so much stress.

There is a lot to why I don't want her to be my BM. A few things are that she puts my sister (MOH) down about her weight all the time even though both of them are plus size, She doesn't like anything me and the bridal party like, she also shows no interest and only seems to care that she's getting one over on another mutual friend of ours.

I kind of knew she would be like this hence why I shouldn't have rushed into asking her!

Anyone else rushed into something similar?
How did you deal with it?
Please try and be as kind as you can sad

LillyLollyLandy Thu 16-Feb-17 06:54:28

Her treatment of my sister would be reason enough for me. I'd just explain I'm not prepared to have my sister bullied and upset so it's for the best if she's not a bridesmaid.

Shakey15000 Thu 16-Feb-17 07:00:10

I'd be blunt and say "I know there's been times in the past where there's been comments about xyz, I'm really hoping that won't happen in the run up and including the wedding. Because if it does, I'll have to ask you to step down, capice?"

That way you're acknowledging things she's said etc and letting her know what will happen if she does.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Thu 16-Feb-17 07:09:26

Yeah, I did this. Asked an old friend who to be fair I'd really grown apart from, but it felt like the right thing to do. She couldn't have been less bothered about anything at all, getting her to the 1 dress fitting I needed her for was a pain, she did fuck all with the hen party - which was literally just a meal in a city close to all of us, so I wasn't expecting the moon on a stick - and then I had to chase her repeatedly to send me back her menu choices for the wedding. She just couldn't be arsed. In the end I suggested we would both be more comfortable if she just came as a guest. It was probably the most awkward thing I have ever done, but it was the right decision. To be fair to her, she was incredibly gracious about it all. We're not friends at all now but that's the way things were heading, and not to do with the wedding really. It sounds silly but it got to the point where I knew that if she stayed as a bridesmaid, in years to come I'd be looking at the wedding pics and remember how shit she'd been. I didn't want that.

Surreyblah Thu 16-Feb-17 07:13:38

Tricky! Is she continuing to make the remarks to your sister? If so that seems reason enough to relegate her to guest!

If you ask her to step down you should assume that will be the end of the friendship.

Surreyblah Thu 16-Feb-17 07:14:38

Not liking the same things as you and the other BMs isn't her fault, though, especially if you mean dresses. BM dresses are a minefield!

Slgregory901 Thu 16-Feb-17 10:50:04

Thank you for the replies.

I feel like I'm being a bit of a bridezilla which isn't me at all.. but it's causing stress on my other BM which isn't fair.
My sister ended up pulling her on what her problem is with my sisters weight to which she just said "I'm trying to support you to lose weight" hmm

I've been very lenient with BM dresses, just gave them a colour and told them it's there choice.. but when 3 can agree and only 1 is being difficult after about 50 dresses it makes me wonder if I've gone about it the wrong way. I don't want any of them to feel uncomfortable on the day hence why it's there choice. I've asked said BM what her choice would be and I just get "I don't know something that flatters me" ... all my BM are plus size so it's not like they are picking something clingy that reveals all.

We are off to the wedding show in March so I guess I will get to see how she acts in front of me and then possibly I can sort the situation by seeing it all for myself.

fannydaggerz Thu 16-Feb-17 10:51:37

I would say you would prefer her to attend as a guest or something along those lines.

No further explanation is needed.

Slgregory901 Thu 16-Feb-17 10:51:45

At the moment this sounds like my best option. Thank you :-)

funnygirlthatbelle Thu 16-Feb-17 13:03:45

I am going through a similar thing, one of my bridesmaid cannot be arsed after seeming really excited at first. I don't expect her to really do much, just maybe try on her dress and ask how the planning is going once in a while as I understand it's not exactly going to be her top priority. I haven't seen her since around September last year, every attempt I make to meet up either gets or rejected, it's got to the point now where I feel like i'm being a nusiance. It took her ages to respond re accommodation booking so it really doesn't bode well confused. Her reason for delayed responses is always to do with her having a hard few weeks due to anxiety, yet posts over social media always seeing other friends, so it's a bit hard to swallow. It's really tricky as I don't want to upset her, but it's really upsetting me.

NoBiggie Fri 17-Feb-17 09:37:47

I'm going through the same thing one of my bridesmaids is refusing to be involved in anything and says it's due to anxiety but she is always doing things with other friends. I feel too far down the line to change anything though.

funnygirlthatbelle Fri 17-Feb-17 09:44:14

It sucks doesn't it NoBiggie, because if you suggest they step down that's basically friendship over, and I don't know if I want to do that as I would always wonder if I was being too harsh. I am not a confrontational person and find it difficult to cope if I think that i've upset someone, even if they aren't bothered that they've been upsetting me! If you come up with a solution please let me know smile

Chug10 Fri 17-Feb-17 10:24:25

Exactly the same! I have no conclusion of what to do yet, but I know if I ask her to step down the friendship has gone.
I don't get married until Aug 2018, but it's something I need to sort asap.

Good luck with your bridesmaid xx

loaferloveforyou Thu 23-Feb-17 23:38:26

I did this, twice:

One is still a bridesmaid and although not 100% happy as she is awkward and everything seems to have to be revolved around her in that she can only do limited days and times for bridemaidy stuff; it's not going to ruin my wedding having her there.

The other one, I knew her for 2 years, she got drunk and moaned that my best mate of 20 years and my sisters and nieces were bridesmaids but not her (already had 8). I was close with her; but I kinda felt it was because she had no other friends and kinda latched on to me. Anyway, I said she could be bridesmaid but after that night we didn't speak for a week. Then she called me and said she felt I only asked her cos I felt I had to. I had already been lying awake at night cos of this so I was honest and said yes I did but still wanted her at the wedding as a guest. 6 months later (due to other dramas and selfishness of hers) we don't speak. Never been more relieved.

Chug10 Sat 01-Apr-17 08:03:23

Thought I would update you all that commented.
So me and the person in question had a huge fall out, she literally yelled in my face in front of about 40 people whilst out at a local social club all over me asking one question. Needless to say that summed her up for me, I have never been spoken to like that by anyone in my life. I was calm and just took the yelling. I secretly think I was calm because I knew this was a route I could use to let her go as a bridesmaid. I was willing to accept an apology to save the friendship at least but when she messaged to apologise the next day it was all very blunt and felt like she wasn't sorry at all, more happy that she had made herself look incredibly cool (which nobody thought she did).
I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Now I can plan with no stress. X

ACloudCoosHi Sat 01-Apr-17 08:08:39

I've only just discovered this thread, but it sounds like your friend has effectively ruled herself out with great aplomb! And in front of an audience, too....

That's what I call a result.

Enjoy your day!!

Pineapplemilkshake Mon 03-Apr-17 13:28:58

Yes. DP has 3 nieces and I asked the two littlest ones to be flower girls. I didn't want to leave out the oldest one (16) so asked her too. She was a complete PITA about the whole thing which made it easier to demote her to being a guest only. She failed to turn up when I arranged to meet her to let her look at pics and choose her own dress (lives an hour drive from me) then when I chose one, she refused to wear it. But only told me this once it was too late to get a refund.

SearchingforGrandparents Mon 03-Apr-17 13:35:43

Any update Slgregory???

SearchingforGrandparents Mon 03-Apr-17 13:37:08

Sorry didn't read the entire thread! Glad it's sorted x

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 03-Apr-17 17:56:02

Not sorted I don't think. Chug and OP are two different posters.

Chug10 Mon 03-Apr-17 18:52:35

Sorry.. name change!! I am OP :-)

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 03-Apr-17 21:17:13

Ah. Ok. Well, less stress for you now. Shame it had to come to shouting match though.

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