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Big wedding to elopement politics.

(28 Posts)
Mamabear14 Fri 30-Dec-16 16:00:31

So, we had a big stately home wedding planned. All well and lovely. Financing the entire thing ourselves and absolutely fine with that, haven't expected a penny from either family. Already asked bridesmaid and best man.
Fast forward to now, we are moving in 2 weeks, and both cars are on their last legs. We have been massively hit by moving costs as there has been delays and it needs a lot of cosmetic work/carpets etc.
So, looking at our now ruined finances, we cannot afford the stately home,or even other local hotels etc. We thought about eloping a while ago when we decided that actually we might not want a big wedding and we mentioned it to various family, and it went down like a cup of cold sick. Especially with future MIL who 'wants to see her only son marry' and SIL who 'is seeing her brother get married if she has to pay for herself'
We want to elope, just us and our 3 kids. Without the massive guilt trip. I don't want to upset anyone but it looks like we will anyway. We don't want to just do registry office and restaurant etc. We just want a chilled day, my OH hates being the centre of attention and is saying that we aren't putting it back and slinging ourselves for longer to make sure we are feeding everyone else by putting ourselves on the breadline for the next year.
We just want to be married, I don't care about fancy food and discos. All I want is to be married and have beautiful photos to look back on.
So, after my waffling...WWYD? Elope and piss everyone off, or have a wedding we don't want and skint ourselves in the process to please everyone else? I know it sounds like a simple answer but I am wary of starting married life and not enjoying our day as we have upset people.

Mamabear14 Fri 30-Dec-16 16:01:50

Also, we absolutely did need to move as a priority, so as not to drip feed. We have been sleeping on a sofa bed for 2yrs so our 2 asd kids and our toddler can have their own room. We are moving so we can actually have a bedroom, and a bed, yay!

Goingtobeawesome Fri 30-Dec-16 16:03:04

Tell everyone you can no longer afford the big do. You don't actually want a big wedding but do want to be married. Your new plan is X. You re sure they'll all be happy for you as just want you to be married too...

lorelairoryemily Fri 30-Dec-16 16:06:51

Do what suits you!! Elope and tell anyone who complains that the house is more important and all you want is to be married. The marriage is what matters not the wedding, congratulations and best of luck!!

DustOffYourHighestHopes Fri 30-Dec-16 16:08:41

Elope. Spend all your budget on a good low key photographer. Eff them all. If they love you they'll be happy for you.

bobbinpop Fri 30-Dec-16 16:10:29

Elope!

RandomMess Fri 30-Dec-16 16:11:08

Marry and tell no-one wink

Mamabear14 Fri 30-Dec-16 16:11:54

We actually have our photographer booked from when we booked the big wedding but we will take him wherever we go, it will be local anyway. My OH has said he will explain to his mother and tell her that it's what he wants and it's his day. Nobody is jumping to get their chequebook out so they shouldn't complain really! I just hate upsetting people, I'm too soft.

Jaimx86 Fri 30-Dec-16 16:12:25

We're eloping in April even though DPs family offered to pay for a beautiful, huge wedding. Parents weren't overly impressed with our decision at first, but once we booked our flights (last Sep) and therefore demonstrated that we were 'serious' about eloping they've been really supportive. Only our parents know - it's so exciting having this romantic secret! Once you've arranged your elopement, family will have to go along with it.

Mamabear14 Fri 30-Dec-16 16:12:38

I wish we had married and told nobody, I said that earlier! Then they could all complain once they found out but it would be too late grin

mirokarikovo Fri 30-Dec-16 16:15:55

Get married and tell no one. Postpone the date of your big hotel shindig to your 5th wedding anniversary in 2022. Save up slowly for that at a rate you can afford. When the time comes on that day you can open the proceedings with an announcement that you actually got married in 2017 but didn't tell anyone at the time, but here is a re-enactment...

Mamabear14 Fri 30-Dec-16 16:26:55

That is quite a good idea.. especially as I'm wary of upsetting my bridesmaid who I've already brought a dress for. She is going to be so annoyed with me, and it will probably ruin our friendship a bit honestly. She said to me once that as she's never likely to marry that mine would 'have to be good enough for both of us' err no!
I do like the idea of telling people we are postponing and then doing it anyway.

RandomMess Fri 30-Dec-16 16:36:33

One of my friends eloped, didn't tell her parents for years!!!

Joz157 Fri 30-Dec-16 16:46:49

This is what I've told my DD3 to do. Elope have the wedding you both want, it you that's getting married, so it's you that decided how you want to do it. Now decided if you want to Skype the wedding or not. Then have your honeymoon/holiday and when you get your money sorted out in the next couple of months have a "do" the bridesmaids get to wear their dresses, the parent get to have a little cry and you both get to have a get together. We both had a small register office wedding and had to draw the line, one of hubby's aunties didn't speak to me for ages, but you have to draw the line sometimes. Have fun.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Fri 30-Dec-16 16:53:37

Do what you need and want to do. Telling them honestly that life has happened and finances are better used elsewhere, and that being married is more important than the wedding should be understandable enough.

Candlestickchick Fri 30-Dec-16 22:47:28

Completely up to you. I'm a big defender of th bride and groom deciding what kind of wedding they want... but to exclude your parents entirely when it sounds like they are very excited about the wedding is a little selfish in my opinion.

Why are you ruling out a small wedding? A registry office and a drink back at home (perhaps in your lovely new house!) for immediate family only will not bankrupt you and will make sure you don't burn your bridges with the people that love you.

Mamabear14 Sat 31-Dec-16 11:00:33

I'm really trying not to be selfish. Nor do I want anyone to pay for it but equally they can't expect us to have a wedding they want us to have that we can't afford while keeping their hands firmly in their pockets.
We don't want a registry office and sandwiches, I'm sure others do, but we just don't. Nor do I want to spend my wedding day and the day after hosting everyone else and cleaning up after them. If that makes me selfish then so be it. I have said to my OH that we will have a get together after, I have no problem with that.
I am sad that my nan won't be there, i have said we will invite parents and my nan, which will be awkward enough as both sets are divorced and remarried, I thought that was a good compromise but then we upset siblings. Just can't win really!

Littleballerina Mon 23-Jan-17 09:59:50

we are having a similar dilemma. We both come from big families so even with parents and siblings (without their children) would be over 20 so it wouldn't be that small of a wedding. Plus to be honest I would prefer to have some of our friends to some of my siblings!
I wouldn't want to start married life in debt.

specialsubject Mon 23-Jan-17 10:04:15

No need to lie. You can't afford the big party (sounds like you never could) so that's it. Tell people it is postponed for five years, but you are getting married quietly as it affords cheap legal protection.

A normal adult can understand that. Anyone who doesn't can be told to get a life and grow up.

Frazzled2207 Mon 23-Jan-17 10:04:39

If you can't afford a big posh wedding don't have one it's absolutely not worth getting into debt for.
Have a big posh party to invite everyone to once you're in a better financial position.

FrankAndBeans Mon 23-Jan-17 11:46:05

If they want to pay for themselves, let them pay and come.

Rubies12345 Mon 23-Jan-17 17:11:33

How can you elope locally?

Do you mean you're going to get married locally and not invite people?

ScuttlbuttHarpy Mon 23-Jan-17 17:27:16

I'm in a similar situation, we have plans (none concrete) of a beautiful wedding/handfasting with a gorgeous dress, fancy outfits, a buttload of bridesmaids, massive after party with kids entertainment a band and food stands, but most of my mums side of the family don't talk to each other, I dont speak to two of my brothers, my dp and I are planning to merge our surname but this might upset his nan, his stepkids are always at each others throats and we want them all there, my dad is desperate to walk me down the aisle, of course he will, and te fancy wedding is acheivable but not for 5 years. And there wouldnt be a honeymoon.

The other option is to have a much smaller wedding only inviting my dad and smum and brother, my grandparents and dps family, inc nan. not sure what we can do about stepkids apart from give them an ultimatum to shut up and put up. But I also want all my friends there who would have been bridesmaids, they are the only ones except my dad and dps parents who would be happy about the new plans, also means we could afford a honeymoon.

or just bugger the lot have parents only and elope to scotland for handfasting.

ScuttlbuttHarpy Mon 23-Jan-17 17:28:01

Sorry hijacked a bit there, I'd elope in your situation.

Mamabear14 Mon 23-Jan-17 17:29:02

Within 45 mins away. So pretty local, and yes not invite anyone. Where we live we are fortunate enough to have loads of places nearby that will do an elopement and be our witnesses. I don't want to start saying for people to pay for themselves as it then means people who can't afford to can't come. And that's not fair. I'd rather upset everyone than just a few.

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