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Please help! Stag do disaster!

(18 Posts)
Bettylovesspaghetti Wed 23-Nov-16 13:20:21

My h2b suffers from anxiety and ptsd.... he had his stag do this weekend, and despite his friends (who were told he was having treatment for anxiety and knows what had previously happened to him) promising casino and a few bars, it ended up a mix of humiliating dragging up and drinking challenges none of which he enjoyed and when he tried to say no he was met with accusations of how stupid/unfair he was being/ they'd given up their weekend/ he'd enjoy it if he tried harder.

The reason I know about it is because he has since had a breakdown, based on the weekends events, because of the nature of his anxiety he felt he couldn't say no anymore than he did, as he'd be made to feel even more of a turd than he already was.

Luckily we got a an appointment not long after he got home with a great emergency doctor who prevented a hospital admission. And he's now in two other types of meds and seems to be getting a bit more stable. He's off work sick for the foreseeable and is as bad as he's ever been in the 3 years we've been together.

However, we get married in 6 weeks and I don't want the ringleaders of his humiliation there. I mentioned this to my h2b but he immediately freaked out and is petrified of losing these friends. (I don't think they're 'Friends' treating him the way they did)

How can I prevent another breakdown/ humiliation/ uninvite them in the least stressful/dramatic way?

Any help very gratefully received!!!!

monal Wed 23-Nov-16 13:22:49

What dicks. My first reaction would be: Elope. But that's probably not very helpful.

OohhThatsMe Wed 23-Nov-16 13:25:05

How many people were involved in this? They're not friends, are they? Would he have to see them at work or locally? What would happen if he blocked them on social media?

Would it be better to postpone the wedding, given the circumstances?

Bravas Wed 23-Nov-16 13:31:06

Is there anyway the wedding can be postponed? My DH suffers from MH problems and would struggle to go through with a wedding at this point. The stress would be too much and it takes a number of weeks for medication to get in the system and start working properly.

His friends sound awful, sadly there is very little understanding of MH issues sad.

PerspicaciaTick Wed 23-Nov-16 13:33:35

Could you just invite them for the evening, would your DP accept that comprise? So you get to enjoy the ceremony, meet and greet everyone etc. It is probably easier to avoid evening guests.
Or was it his best man?

OohhThatsMe Wed 23-Nov-16 13:36:57

I think it would be easier to ban them altogether than just invite them for the evening do. It sounds like they'd be ready for an argument in the evening otherwise.

Bettylovesspaghetti Wed 23-Nov-16 13:38:14

Thanks so much for all your speedy replies! The ringleader is one of 2 best men, so we could survive but that's why there's more consternation!!!

He's adamant he doesn't want to postpone but they're not friend who he sees regularly and we wouldn't miss them out of our every day lives!!

Thank you so much for ask your replies though!!! I felt like I'm drowning here on my own xxxx

2014newme Wed 23-Nov-16 13:39:44

It sounds like your dh isn't well enough to get married at the moment. I would postpone till he is better. What with the stag night causing a breakdown.

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Nov-16 13:40:22

Maybe take a step back here, do you think it's possible these guys didn't know the extent of uour fiancées mental health problems? Because they may not have realised or done it in any way maliciously.

I think if uour husband to be has said he wants them there, then this has to be his decision , you deciding otherwise cannot be helpful. It may even embarrass him if they find out the reason why they are uninvited and cause further mental health issues.

For me, I think the decision has to be your future husbands, not yours.

Bettylovesspaghetti Wed 23-Nov-16 13:56:21

Thanks, I'm definitely not trying to go above his head, work through it together definitely yes though. I understand your point, but They know he has been having therapy, they knew he'd recently been off sick with stress and they know how often and violently his dad attacked him up until 2 years ago when the police finally got involved..... it seems, at best, thoughtless

I appreciate all the comments though, thank you again, it just seems if I suggest a postponement his anxiety makes him assume I want to cancel, and the wedding had been given him so much hope it seems a shame because of the behavior of 3 blokeswe used to be goodd mates with

regularbutpanickingabit Wed 23-Nov-16 15:56:58

Poor bloke, what horrible behaviour. My nice side was say they are pig ignorant, the rest of me scream something far more aggressive.

Ok. What about you two bringing forward the actual wedding ceremony and just go with a couple of witnesses? Make it special and private. No-one else needs to know. That way he is reassured that you are married, it take the pressure off whether those gits ruin the ceremony and frees you up to postpone if needed.

OzzieFem Wed 23-Nov-16 16:31:47

With friends like that who needs enemies! Sorry it has upset your plans OP and made what should be a happy occasion, grim.

I would go with regularbutpanickingabit idea if possible. flowers

Candlestickchick Thu 24-Nov-16 09:22:24

If you get married in 6 weeks have you not already sent the invitation to these people? I can understand your fiancé thinking it will be more stressful to uninvite them than to have them there.

Speedy recovery to your fiancé and good luck with the big day!

Dozer Thu 24-Nov-16 09:25:57

I would not have them there, as even setting aside poor DH's issues it could ruin YOUR day. So I would give DH the choice of uninviting them (which you could arrange) or postponing the wedding.

eatsleephockeyrepeat Thu 24-Nov-16 09:33:48

Oh gosh, how awful sad

Were there any friends among them (or perhaps one who wasn't there, the other best man maybe?) who are not complete arseholes understanding of your dp's situation? Perhaps a friend who knows the situation and is/would be just as mortified as you that these "friends" put him in this position?

I can see why you dp would be fearful of uninviting them at this stage, and I do agree, that might cause more stress and worry. Worst case scenario if you can't find a way to uninvite them without causing more anxiety. If that's the case, redo your seating plan and seat them all together on a table waaay at the back of the room and enlist the potential "understanding" friend (e.g. the other best man) to act as usher, specifically with the task of discreetly ushering these idiots well and truly away from your dp and out of proceedings for the whole day.

A good usher (and a good friend) will keep these fools well out of your dp's way on his big day, keep them entertained at the bar perhaps, and most importantly keep them well away from the microphone when the speeches come around!

YesILikeItToo Thu 24-Nov-16 09:39:25

Like candlestick, I feel that uninviting people to a wedding inevitably involves stress and drama. Whether they are real friends or whether the friendships survive going forward is a separate issue, really.

Jackiebrambles Thu 24-Nov-16 09:44:01

I think the worry of uninviting them and the fall out will likely cause your partner more stress/anxiety. I think you have to take his lead on this.

I do wonder whether it was more thoughtlessness and not fully understanding his issues which has caused this to happen. Making the stag do drinking games and wear a silly outfit is pretty standard/normal stag behaviour, so perhaps they didn't understand the impact it would have on him.

Hope he feels better soon.

FeralBeryl Thu 24-Nov-16 10:21:32

Oh Betty that's awful sad
I think that given your DF's wishes for them to still come, I would try and move past it.
Would it be an option to speak to one of them yourself? Do you think that would help you?
Regarding behaviour at the wedding, I feel that stag do behaviour is rarely repeated on the actual day. It's all very 'primal' 'cock measuring' 'drink til you vomit' on a lot of stag nights, but when it gets to the wedding itself, things are hopefully a little more refined.

I also agree that if it would be possible, could you postpone to allow DF's health to improve?

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