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Who is in the wrong?!

(55 Posts)
user1478546853 Mon 07-Nov-16 19:50:14

Hey ladies,

I'm getting married next year and have been planning for around a year and a half. Everything was as far as I was concerned good to go until...

The other day I was discussing the wedding with some family friends and they asked about bridesmaids shoes. I was about to answer flat sandals (we are getting married in a hot and hilly place abroad) my sister cut in that she would be wearing wedges. I corrected her and said no I would like everyone in flats and she argued with me. The next morning I sent a polite message saying how I felt and that it had always been that way, I don't want to argue but I won't budge on that. She then came back to me saying she would need to go on an extreme diet as she would feel awful in flats (she's a size 8-10) I explained my reasons which are that I'm very short and if the bridesmaids wore heels they would tower over me even more and that if I then wore heels id be taller than my fiancé. I also explained the practical reasons regarding the location. This then led to her saying 'the dress you've chosen would make anyone look porky' (I have 4 other bridesmaids who love the dress which is a Grecian style) she then added that she didn't want to wear her hair up and put laughing faces mocking my ideas for it. So by this point she has suddenly said she hates the shoes, dress and hair. I have to point out that this has all been previously discussed (about 9 months ago) and then she says that if that's how I'm going to be she won't bother going at all?! So I told her not to bother.

I have bad problems with guilt so even though everyone I've so far asked have said I am not being unreasonable I'm still upset as its my sister.

So am I being unfair? All my other bridesmaids have been happy to do whatever. Right at the beginning of planning I said I've always wanted coral for my bridesmaids and she said that it wouldn't suit her so I changed that.

I also have to mention that other than my dad she is the only other family member of mine attending and I feel it is kind of emotional blackmail?

I've had a hell of a lot on my mind lately and now I'm fretting whether I'm right to put my foot down or being silly?!


user1478546853 Mon 07-Nov-16 19:50:26

Gosh that was a rant! So sorry xx

BikeRunSki Mon 07-Nov-16 19:57:13

I think you're being a little unfair dictating your bridesmaids' shoes tbh, and I don't understand the concern about who is taller than who etc.

I am sure than others will disagree, ad I let my BM chose her own dress.

ChicRock Mon 07-Nov-16 19:59:42

I'm a size 8 and feel really dumpy in flats so I'm with your sister, sorry.

If you're choosing everything down to hair and shoes, I hope you're paying for it all.

user1478530203 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:02:52

So I think your both a bit wrong and should both just put your differences aside. It is your day and you want it to be right and ok some ppl might think the hair shoes etc isn't necessary but you do. I would maybe make a compromise with her let her wear the wedges you will regret not having her there she's your only sister. Your sister shouldn't be so difficult either though.

Enidblyton1 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:04:24

Your Dsis sounds like a bit of a drama queen. She's making a big issue over something fairly trivial IMO. No polite bridesmaid would quibble about what they have to wear to a wedding (unless it was truly awful - and this doesn't sound like that!).
On the other hand, I'd just let it go and let her wear the shoes she wants. It won't really make any difference to your day. I really wouldn't worry about her being overly tall. Many bridesmaids are taller than the bride (even in flats!)

OlennasWimple Mon 07-Nov-16 20:04:34

I dont' feel great in flats, but meh, if I were a bridesmaid on a beach (I'm assuming from the OP?) better flats than clomping around in a pair of wedges

Sounds like your sister is being a PITA about lots of things, not just the shoes. You can politely put your foot down without being a bridezilla. You aren't unreasonable to ask your BMs to wear flats, but things like hair styles should be left up to each one to work out what goes best with the dress, their hair and their style

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:04:59

I'd hate to wear flats. And I'm not normally difficult about anything like that. But I'm with your sis.

GooseFriend Mon 07-Nov-16 20:06:29

Ah this is one of those crappy pre-wedding arguments. She's doesn't mean it. I take it the dresses are long so would it really matter to have 1 in heals? They can't be that similar sized anyway.

TweedAddict Mon 07-Nov-16 20:07:10

If your paying, then you get too say. If the bridesmaids are buying the shoes they get to chose

AlmaMartyr Mon 07-Nov-16 20:09:49

I'd probably just let her wear whatever shoes she's comfortable in, and let her choose her hairstyle. I don't think you're in the wrong but it really won't matter on the day.

ladylambkin Mon 07-Nov-16 20:11:10

I don't see the issue in someone being taller than the bridal party. I must admit I wouldn't like to wear a bridesmaid dress with flats either..quite frumpy.

However it's your nice if there could be compromise on both sides

pklme Mon 07-Nov-16 20:11:30

Gladiator sandals would look good with Grecian style dresses and work on a beach.
People do seem to decide these things in detail now.
There have to be compromises if people are paying for their own, less so if you are paying.

Is it worth messaging her something like this: I'm surprised you are getting so upset about the shoes- the hair and dress we had already decided on. Is the actually something else about me getting married that is bothering you? Of course I'd rather have you there, but if it's upsetting you for some reason then I understand.

Good luck, OP

user1478546853 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:14:18

That's the thing I have paid for it all and it's been bought for months, this has only recently been an issue. She never said this before when we discussed any of it.

It's not just about the shoes for this who have just answered that bit. It's about the comments and picking on everything.

I think we all have a vision in our minds of how we would like our wedding to be and I guess we must be different as I would do anything someone asked me to if I was bridesmaid as it wouldn't be my day or about me. I certainly wouldn't say I won't be going if I disagreed.

It's half in the mountains and half on the beach, so it really is also about being sensible not just for height although I've been honest that everyone towers over me as it is I don't want to feel towered over by everyone.

Thank you Enid, that's exactly what's making me think purely as it would be horribly not to have her there. But if it's so easy for her to says not to come does she really want to be there? X

Thank you Olennas, I appreciate it. The only reason we were having the hairstyles is they were all going to be Greek themed. Nothing crazy just including plaits being threaded through it and again this had already been discussed with the hairdresser over there after discussing it with them first X


user1478546853 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:17:15

Pklme thank you, that's great message. I think I've I'll try that when things have cooled down and yes they were gold gladiator sandals to go with the theme.

And yes all I am paying for everything. I don't think t would annoy me so much hadn't it all been bought and decided on.


OdinsLoveChild Mon 07-Nov-16 20:29:09

Im shorter than 5ft so I really wouldn't want to wear flats. I also think plaits in hair are ok for teenagers and younger but not really a style that looks good on anyone older but that's my personal opinion.
Maybe give her the option to pay for her own outfit or to not be your bridesmaid? Perhaps she is thinking she doesn't want to do it now and she's hoping that you tell her not to bother instead?
You really need to get to the bottom of it with her she really could make a huge fuss that may overshadow your big day.

OlennasWimple Mon 07-Nov-16 20:38:11

Maybe she's worried that she is losing her sister, and is playing up because she doesn't realise that is what is going on in her head

<plays arm chair psychologist>

user1478546853 Mon 07-Nov-16 21:12:25

Would this not be suitable for an adult then? She is not short that's she's nearly 5''8 I am 5''2 and will not be wearing heels either.

user1478546853 Mon 07-Nov-16 21:17:20

That may be it Olennas, we used to be close but have directed over the years. Maybe she's only just realising now.

RNBrie Mon 07-Nov-16 21:23:42

I think you'll look back on this and regret falling out about something as silly as hair and shoes. I don't think you should dictate anyone's hairstyle... and what difference does it really make to your marriage of she's wearing wedges?

I did not have any adult bridesmaids because I couldn't be doing with this sort of thing but I think you're both being ridiculous. Weddings are about the marriage and the people you love the most being there to support you and share in your joy and you're arguing with one of the people you love the most about a pair of shoes. It's wedding madness!

Trying321 Wed 09-Nov-16 08:55:40

I think she should be allowed to choose her shoes to be honest just so there's something she feels comfortable in. A lot of people would feel very dumpy in flats. I don't get all this "I don't want anyone towering over me" people are all different heights just accept that.

FledglingFTB Wed 09-Nov-16 13:13:42

I understand that there's a theme and you have a visual aesthetic. Also your sis has left it a bit bloody late! Personally I wouldn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or lack confidence.

JustSpeakSense Wed 09-Nov-16 13:25:23

You know that bridesmaid shoes, hair and even the colour of their dresses is really unimportant in the scheme of things, don't you?

It's all about sharing important memories with those you love and celebrating your marriage with your family.

Would you rather have her in the photos wearing what she is comfortable in or not at all?

I think you are both placing far to much importance in the wrong things.

I'd be the bigger person and send her this text:

'Dsis, I couldn't imagine our special day without you there, please come and wear whatever shoes etc you like, it is about having you there on our day. I can't wait to celebrate with you and the photos will be lovely!'

Bubblegum18 Wed 09-Nov-16 13:29:53

I'm married but I never really dictated what my BMs wore they all have involvement in their dress footwear and hairstyles I think your being unreasonable so what if she's taller in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of an issue.

pictish Wed 09-Nov-16 13:33:41 are being a bridezilla, which is irritating your sister and she in turn is being a birrova cah.

Yabu about the shoes. Let them wear what they prefer fgs. Also hair...let the bridesmaids choose their own hairstyle.

No one looks good in coral by the way...whatever the occasion, there is always a better choice than's a very unforgiving colour indeed. Glad you conceded on that one.

Think you need to chill out a bit.

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