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Stag Party - Strip Club - Lies - Do I end our relationship?

(20 Posts)
donnamain Thu 10-Mar-16 16:01:48

Help please. I'm at a total loss here. My partner went on his stag doo last weekend and ended up at a strip club where he was supposedly stitched up as the stag to have a dance. Not a "private" dance but a "lounge" dance!!
I asked him outright about it as I'd already heard about it but it honestly took a good 24 hours and lots of different stories before I got anywhere near a half truth from him. I then found out that the same thing happened on his 30th birthday last year, apparently he was stitched up and had a lap dance on stage in front of everyone with two women.
For over a year he's hidden his birthday and he tried his best to hide this weekend.
Putting aside the fact that I am so horrified, grossed out, embarrassed, hurt, feeling sick etc. at the thought of another woman (indeed women) being naked around him, he's totally destroyed my trust.
He's promised he didn't like either so why hide it the first time? If that was the case I would have believed him. Hiding it makes me question why.
How can you seriously say you were forced twice by your friends?
He's also saying that he never knew I'd react this way and if he'd known he'd never have gone and risked our relationship. Well hindsight is that if he'd told me about his birthday I'd have told him a bit stronger exactly how I feel.
Truth be told, I didn't realise I would feel this sick about it all, it's not one thing, it's so many things to deal with!
To top it off we're meant to be moving in two weeks and the wedding's in a month. I honestly don't know if I can move on from this so how can I go ahead with our plans? He's saying we can postpone things as he just wants me and to get us back on track. However if we lose the house and wedding I know we'll be over anyway as that's two important things he'll have taken and ruined for me.
All his mates and family think I'm overreacting so I can't talk to them. They don't see it as a big deal and I feel I'm a laughing stock but I honestly cannot stop my feelings. I've hardly slept or eaten for days. I feel disgusted at him but also it's making me feel bad about myself.
I want to believe him when he says he didn't enjoy it and hated it all etc. but by lying to me so many times makes me think it's otherwise because why else wouldn't you say the truth when you get caught out?
I know he's genuinely scared and upset at what he's done and it'll break him too if we split. And I guess he didn't know just how bad I was going to feel. But still, what do I do? How I feel is how I feel. I wish I could switch it off but I can't and I don't have time to process it as the solicitors are chasing exchanging contracts.
It's such a mess, I'm in bits ....

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Thu 10-Mar-16 16:06:01

If he thought you wouldn't be upset why did he keep it from you the first time and then again the second time before spending 24 hours telling lies and half truths? Regardless of feelings on strip clubs etc I wouldn't be able to forgive the lies. If he can lie about and keep from you something he thought you wouldn't be upset about who knows what else he has/is/will keep from you. You'll spend your whole life wondering, questioning and going quietly crazy unsure if he's being faithful, lying, keeping something from you etc. wineflowers

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Thu 10-Mar-16 16:07:28

To clarify when I say regardless of your feelings on strip clubs I didn't mean you shouldn't feel the way you do, I mean that even someone fine with their partner going to strip clubs shouldn't be fine with the lies.

donnamain Thu 10-Mar-16 16:11:32

I've said exactly that to him. He's broken down, I'm the best thing ever, his Mum's been begging saying they don't know what he'll do without me etc. He says he never told me the first time because he was mortified and hated it, but why let it happen again on his stag do.
I don't want this to end, I really love him and everything has been so great and we've got such amazing things going on but I honestly have this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know won't go very easily. I don't have time to build our relationship so I think I have to call it off.
It's just all so horrible. And I care so much about what other people think, the thought of all the laughing that we've called it all off is too much :-(

Pootles2010 Thu 10-Mar-16 16:12:12

Only you know how you feel. I can imagine his mates did 'stitch' him up, but none of them will have forced him, he could have walked out. He wanted to save face, is what it comes down to.

Its quite possible he didn't enjoy it, I must admit i've been to one and just spent the whole time trying not to giggle - not sexy at all. But, the point stands - he knew you wouldn't like it.

He does sound like he loves you. Only you know if its enough of a dealbreaker.

Don't you have any of your mates/family you could talk to?

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Thu 10-Mar-16 16:14:35

If he hated it the first time why walk back into a strip club the second time? And sit there for a dance?

donnamain Thu 10-Mar-16 16:18:55

I do have but I'm so embarrassed. They know and they know I'm struggling. They do however all think the world of him and it's shocked them as it's not what you would've expected. I guess he's not really my partner anymore, it's like he must turn into something sleezy and horrible around his mates.
I don't want it to be a dealbreaker but I don't know what I can do as I have no time to work out my feelings. So much pressure with the house and wedding. I'd hate to exchange contracts next week and be stuck with a house that we can't live in together.
And yes it makes no sense, he can't have hated it because you'd never go again and yet he did. I feel like he's lying on that but he's adamant he's not.
I just want to make him pay for how bad he's making me feel and how much I don't trust him anymore.
I've spent today looking at videos of strip clubs and reading up on that just to find out what could've happened. It's like I'm torturing myself because it's just made me sick :-(

pollyblack Thu 10-Mar-16 16:27:57

I understand why you feel the way you do, he probably didn't tell you cause he knew you'd be upset and it wasn't a huge deal to him. Would you have felt any differently if he had told you- but still done it? I think men can be arses when they are in a group- that laddy behaviour kicks in and they are all showing off and trying to save face.

I'd not take it hugely personally or think he is sleazy, I'd say he was drunk and stupid and he didn't mean to hurt you.

Think of it that you are at a hen do and someone organises a male stripper and some rude games and dancing go on- it's not really sexy is it? It's not really any kind of a betrayal, its just a bit cheesy and sad.

donnamain Thu 10-Mar-16 16:32:27

I'd love to think that but I've already said no to male strippers on mine, I'm just very anti it all. I know that's my issues and I wasn't as strong about saying it to him as I probably should have been, but he always agreed with me about hating them and it being sleezy that I never thought I'd have to warn him not to go.
Yes I would've been proper cross with him etc. and would've had to get over these feelings but they surely wouldn't be as bad as now had he been honest in the first place. I've been lied to, humiliated and probably laughed at.
I really do want to be able to say yes let's work this out because we've got so much great going on and he really is so apologetic, even bought me a necklace etc. However I can't switch off my feelings, I just keep crying all the time and I don't think anyone cares :-(

Pootles2010 Thu 10-Mar-16 16:37:10

Please don't feel you're laughed at - honestly they may well have been laughing at him, but not you.

The times i've seen similar things - once at lap dancing club and once at hen party - it was very much as polly said.

As it happens, I now agree with you that I hate the idea of the industry, the exploitation etc, but I just wanted to say - it is not sexy, it is cheesy and silly and just to humiliate the stag, really. Not to say that its ok, but I didn't want you thinking it was all glam and sexy. Cos its not.

donnamain Thu 10-Mar-16 16:39:33

Thank you all. I guess I get to look forward to a night of rows again tonight and going over and over with him what happened, why he lied etc. and still not being satisfied with what he tells me. Then I can lie awake crying and then try and function at work tomorrow :-( Bad times!! Can't believe he's risked all this for something he supposedly didn't even like. Thank you all xx

Lemond1fficult Thu 10-Mar-16 16:41:46

You're entitled to feel however you want about this, so don't let anyone tell you you're a prude.

But I do think you're being hard on your fiancée - if he'd gone and paid for private dances off his own back that would be a different story. But it sounds as if he's only guilty of being a bit of a sheep where his childish mates are concerned.

If your relationship was rosy before, and you don't think he's unfaithful or has a habit of lying to you, you could give him another chance. It sounds like he's desperate to make it up to you.

Hope you sort it out. Xthanks

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Thu 10-Mar-16 16:43:03

If a partner doesn't tell you something because they think it will upset you surely that's a reason to not be with them? What else will they do that you won't be told about incase it upsets you? An affair would upset you so that's kept from you, a gambling addiction would upset you so that's kept from you etc etc

And how far is so called laddy behaviour going to be taken to 'save face'? If his mates thinks it's a laugh for him to pull a girl will he do it? Will he get a blow job off a prostitute they've hired? Will he drive drunk? Will he take drugs? If he can't control his behaviour how can he be trusted?

You know what you want for you and your life but think carefully before you buy a house with him or marry him.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Thu 10-Mar-16 16:44:12

Please reread your last post op because that's your future if you stay with him. You'll be writing that in 20 years about yet another thing he's done.

donnamain Thu 10-Mar-16 16:47:45

I guess with his lies I don't actually know if I believe him that he didn't enjoy it and it was forced on him. Maybe he wanted it, got turned on by it and paid for it himself. If I find that out we're over that's for sure, it makes me so sick.
I want to believe him but saying it happened twice just makes a mockery of it all. If he'd said after the first time I'd have believed him and this wouldn't be happening now. And if he is such a coward he just goes along with his mates and they did it to him twice I don't think I could ever face them again, it's all such a mess :-(
Ahhhh sorry I feel like I'm ranting. It just goes over and over in my head.

donnamain Thu 10-Mar-16 16:49:40

I do need to add I do know he loves me and this is affecting him as much as me. Thankfully when all us women found out he's been better than some as some of them just don't care and think they've done nothing wrong.
This is very much a me deciding if I can forgive hiding things from, lying to me and the thoughts I have about him getting turned on by someone else. It's really hard.

user1471506417 Thu 18-Aug-16 09:51:27

....I really don't think going to a strip club is something to end a relationship over.
He didn't buy the dance for himself, it wasn't private. Boys get carried away with stupid ideas, particularly on stag dos.
Often Men are also get silly about lying, they lie because they think it will make the situation better, when in fact it makes it 100 times worse, but i think that is about stupidity rather than trust.
You are going to end your future happiness over some stupid lads night out? If you do, I think you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

MatildaOfTuscany Thu 18-Aug-16 10:28:25

" If you do, I think you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

Or OP might find herself thinking 3 years down the line, with a respectful, honest partner and no rows "wow, bullet dodged then".

Or OP might stick with him and the future might be endless breaches of trust, endless rows, constant feelings of being upset and not valued.

Or her idiot fiance might actually learn from this experience (on the other hand, he doesn't seem to have learned from the birthday debacle, so this isn't terribly likely).

None of us has a crystal ball, but I'd say the smart money is against going with "put up with male bad behaviour and try to forgive and forget for the sake of the fairy tale wedding day."

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Thu 18-Aug-16 10:39:20

Your feelings are valid and you should listen to them. Don't let anyone tell you you're overreacting - they're not the ones marrying him. You can't be with someone you don't trust and respect, and only you can decide if this has destroyed those feelings.

ItWentInMyEye Sat 20-Aug-16 11:45:12

Any update? Not sure I'd forgive the lies either tbh flowers

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