Weddings and Kids.. Thoughts please!!

[poppy7836]

So.. I'd love your thoughts on this!!! I just sent out my Save The Dates and had the following exchange via social media with a family member who was invited to the evening and has 2 children under 6. I'm quite shocked that A: Anyone would be so rude let alone a family member and B: Why someone would keep their children up so late! The wedding is 6 months away.. Plenty of time to find a sitter surely?! I have a child who is excluded from plenty of weddings, I don't get upset, I go and enjoy the day, because it's about that Bride and Groom.. not my child!

Jackie:
Helen are my kids invited to evening too

Helen:
Hiya! Sadly no. Just immediate family's - so our children and my nieces and Simon's nieces etc etc. xxx

Jackie:
I'm afraid we won't be coming then hun

Helen:
Such a shame! Shall I send you the actual invite and perhaps you can have a think - get a sitter and come and let your hair down! xxx

Jackie:
I don't live near anyone and I got my kiddies

Helen:
Plus, it's the evening sweetie, it'd be too late to keep them up! You wouldn't take then out clubbing! haha! xxx

Jackie:
Sorry Helen not gonna happen
We will be thinking of u all
X

Helen:
Ah thanks! xxx
I won't send the actual invite then chicken if you're a definite no. Such a shame, would have been so lovely to have seen you both. Let me know if you change your mind though! xxx

Jackie:
I will hun x

[Burgerbobismydad]

When in doubt, blame the venue. That's what I did. (they have a no kids under 10 rule after 8pm etc)

[RiverTam]

You lost me at 'it's the evening sweetie', that sounds unbelievably patronising. It's your wedding and I totally understand people having child-free weddings as long as they understand some people won't be able to come, and I do think by asking you this on social media she was trying to get you to back down - but yeah. You've not come out of that smelling of roses!

[MirandaWest]

It's up to you whether you invite children

It's up to their parents whether that means they choose not to come

[AlpacaLypse]

How old are the bridal party children that are coming (including your own)? Are you going to find someone to look after them when it gets to the point that rampaging infants tantrum-ing due to exhaustion are beginning to get on yours and everyone else's nerves?

I think 'Jackie' has responded perfectly reasonably.

[poppy7836]

Really?! That is the last thing I wanted to sound - patronising.. Golly! What could I have said any differently? I'm really quite upset that she could be so rude, but hadn't intended what I wrote to sound rude.. so perhaps it's all a bit lost in translation!

[BloodyDogHairs]

Tbh honest your comment of "you wouldn't take them out clubbing haha" would piss me off if I was her.

[poppy7836]

Thanks AlpacaLypse.. It's made me feel horrible.. I mean she hasn't even waited for the actual invite!

[poppy7836]

That's a fair point BloodyDogHaors.. I'll take that..

[poppy7836]

The kids in the immediate family range from 4 months to 12. There are x10 all together.

[CMOTDibbler]

YANBU to not invite everyones children as its your event. YABVU to press the matter when someone says they can't come. Not everyone has a babysitter, or wants to use one

[beckslovestimmy]

If there are going to be children from the immediate family there in the evening does it matter if other people bring their children? Is it about extra cost?

[Roseberrry]

I think you were quite judgey and patronising.

It's ok if you don't want children at your wedding but it's not going to kill a child to stay up till 10

I take it you don't have children?

[poppy7836]

But I suppose I wanted to make her feel like she was wanted CMOTDibbler.. that's all.

[poppy7836]

I would love nothing more Becklovestimmy, but that'd total approx 70 children... maybe a smidge too many! (Jackie is my cousin)

[PragmaticWench]

I don't see where she was at all rude?!

You did come across as rather patronising though.

If she has nobody to leave her children with then it's not rude to decline the invitation, just as it's not rude to invite people without their children.

[poppy7836]

As I said, I have 1 child of 11 and will inherit x2 more after the marriage. :)

[Dellarobia]

YANBU not to invite kids
She WNBU to refuse invite as a result

I don't think either of you were rude.

[poppy7836]

I am genuinely taking all the comments on board., that LAST thing I wanted was to sound "judgey and patronising".. Maybe need to talk F2F next time!!!

[lovefairylights]

I think you sound patronising - she asks if she can bring kids and is polite when you say no they are not invited and she declines. You have other kids in the same age range attending but make comments about how its too late for children and that kids shouldn't be taken 'clubbing' - which is hypocritical if the other kids are allowed to attend.

As seems to be the conclusion on threads about weddings and kids - sure you can have the wedding you want without specific children - thats your prerogative, but you are being unreasonable to be offended if some people choose not to attend because of your choices.

[PerspicaciaTick]

It is only an invitation, she is under no obligation to leave her children if she doesn't want to.

[poppy7836]

It's only a Save The Date - I haven't even sent the invites. I'd love to invite all the kids.. but they total approx 70 extra small people.

[LotsofDots]

I don't think she has been rude, she haw checked who the invitation will be for and decided that they won't be able to come. She probably feels that by telling you now, you could invite someone else in her stead if you want?

[poppy7836]

I think - if this happens again - the lesson here is to wait before answering.. a carefully considered answer is the best foot forward I think.. I hadn't meant to sound patronising in any way, but I can see how it sounds to her with all your points of view.

[poppy7836]

I am totally going with that LotsofDots! :-)

[p0ppers]

I'd find the 'it's the evening sweetie' response VERY patronising. I think most people are happy to make an exception on the 7pm bedtime for a wedding. I think your cousin was polite considering.