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My partner isn't invited to brothers wedding

(226 Posts)
Andy1234567 Sat 30-Jan-16 17:29:07

Hello, I separated from my ex-wife nearly 5 years ago. My new partner has lived with me for nearly 1 1/2 years. My brother gets married in May this year and I am his best man and best friend, my three children are bridesmaids and page boy.
My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.
Anyway, she regularly meets my partner as she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over. She also spent two hours at a sporting event stood 20m away without issue.
My partner was devastated at being told she wasn't invited but insists I should go anyway to support my brother.
I feel I cannot attend, I want to support my partner, my future with her and will really struggle to be at the event knowing that I should be with her.
Prior to this my partner and I regularly met with my brother and his btb. We've babysat for them on several occasions and had meals with them.
I can't understand how they could come to this decision. We were very happy to go to wedding irrespective of who else was going. It's their day not ours.
He is my brother and I want to support him but my future doesn't lie in the past. My kids all love my partner and we have a fantastic relationship together.

OP’s posts: |
Penfold007 Sat 30-Jan-16 17:48:06

Why is your ex-wife being invited to the wedding, surely you should be taking your three children along with your partner? Your ex has put your DB and future SIL in a very difficult position but they should still invite your partner, if your ex then declines the invitation so be it.

Branleuse Sat 30-Jan-16 17:53:20

your ex wife shouldnt be there. Inappropriate

Cocolepew Sat 30-Jan-16 17:55:29

I don't think they should have invited your ex wife.

ImperialBlether Sat 30-Jan-16 17:59:03

The thing is that when someone gets married and is welcomed into the family it's very harsh to say she/he can't come to any future events.

If your ex is still friends with your brother and his fiancée then I can see why they want her there, but surely it has to be on the understanding that everyone's happy with it. If your girlfriend doesn't mind your ex being there then surely both can be there?

regenerationfez Sat 30-Jan-16 18:04:53

It's not the girlfriend that's the problem. It's the ex wife. I think your brother should tell her that your partner is invited. It's up to your ex wife to decide to go out not on that basis . But he's not my brother, so its easy for me to say!

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 30-Jan-16 18:07:43

I'm with you. Terrible of your brother.

If I were your DP , Iwould want your support too.

She's your future. Your ex, although the mother of your dc, is not.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 30-Jan-16 18:10:12

I would also suspect that your DP's relationship with your brother will be tainted by this. Understandably.

honeysucklejasmine Sat 30-Jan-16 18:13:01

Wow. YADNBU to want your partner there.

Is ex invited in her own right or simply because your kids are involved in the ceremony?

ZiggyFartdust Sat 30-Jan-16 18:13:35

The bride and the ex wife have been unreasonable. But dont fall out with your brother over his wedding, this is how stupid family feuds start. Your partner is right.

neolara Sat 30-Jan-16 18:14:27

Blimey. I've got to say in your place I'm pretty sure I would say that while its entirely their choice not to invite my dp, unfortunately I wouldn't then be able to attend, and neither would my kids.

It's making a pretty public statement about where your dp stands in the hierarchy. Other guests and family will notice and it will impact on their relationship with your dp. It's just not nice. Your ex has behaved really badly imo.

Goingtobeawesome Sat 30-Jan-16 18:15:53

Has your ex even been invited? Sounds like she wants to see her kids all cutely dressed up. Send a picture.

Cookingongas Sat 30-Jan-16 18:15:58

Despicable behaviour on the exs part! I don't think that your brother should have put you in this position. He should have invited your ex, but , as with all wedding invites, the invitation should be on his and btb terms. Not for guests to put in their oars and orders on the overall guest list.

If it were me I would not go. Your db has basically said that he would rather be amicable and keep relations good with your ex than with your current partner. The exs feelings come before yours and your partners. So disrespectful. I'm sorry that your in such a difficult position.

MsHighwater Sat 30-Jan-16 18:16:50

A couple should invite whom they choose to their wedding. Those invited may choose only whether to go or not. Your ex has no right to dictate who else can be invited. I'd feel very let down by your brother, in your shoes, and would probably decline to attend.

SenecaFalls Sat 30-Jan-16 18:17:20

I seriously doubt that I would be able to participate in the wedding if I were in your shoes, OP. I hope you will be able to discuss with your brother and his bride so that they can see reason in this circumstance.

Andy1234567 Sat 30-Jan-16 18:17:22

Thanks for the advice and opinions. We wouldn't care who was there. It's their day but it's so difficult now as they have made a decision that makes us feel uncomfortable being with my brother and SIL in future. It is such a shame. I haven't told him yet as I know he doesn't even think I won't go. But I know I can't be there as a hypocrite. I have just told my ex that I don't intend to go without my partner and she said "that's your decision". I've arranged to meet my brother on Tuesday and I'll wish him all the best, its not right we fall out.

OP’s posts: |
Lindy2 Sat 30-Jan-16 18:17:44

I think you need to talk to your brother. Your ex wife should not have this level of influence over what is actually your family.
If she keeps your new partner away for the wedding I'm sure she'll plan the same for other events in the future.
Yes , she is the mother of your children but this is your brother's wedding. Your family, not hers.

nannyplumlikesitupthe Sat 30-Jan-16 18:19:41

I'm sure ur partner will feel really proud if u for taking a stand also weather she says it ir not.

coffeeisnectar Sat 30-Jan-16 18:23:08

I would go to the actual wedding and take your partner. Then you both, and the children go home without going to the reception.

SenecaFalls Sat 30-Jan-16 18:23:23

I think it's an important point that you are not asking your brother to exclude your ex. Our family is a mixture of exes, formers, and currents. We invite them all to family gatherings and they just have to deal with it. If anyone wants to avoid someone who may be there, they are free to decline.

Lindy2 Sat 30-Jan-16 18:26:04

How old are the children and how do they feel about their mother stopping your partner going?

Donthate Sat 30-Jan-16 18:28:42

It's a tough one. Try speaking to your brother first before saying you won't go.

228agreenend Sat 30-Jan-16 18:28:46

I think you need to,talk to your brother, explain how your ex is being melodramatic, and regularly sees the children and your current partner in an amicable situation.

PreAdvent13610 Sat 30-Jan-16 18:31:22

You need to set some boundaries with your Ex, just dropping in when you have the kids is not ok. Dictating family gatherings on your side of the family is not ok.
Eventually it will be the DC who suffer as they learn that everyone must keep mummy happy. Mummy needs to learn to act like a grown up.

Valentine2 Sat 30-Jan-16 18:32:02

I think you should tell your brother that you are not happy with this and will not be attending. If she can come to your house and attend the sporting event, it's not very nice of her to really put you in this situation specially as your DCs are involved so much too. Could there be more to it? Is she friends with your brother's dtb? Is that an unintentional snub ?

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