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Is this normal???????

(25 Posts)
Redorwhitejusthaveboth Sat 11-Jul-15 21:29:27

Planning our wedding - seems to be so stressful ... Mainly between dh and I... Bottom line - I think he's not that bothered and he's not being proactive in sorting things out... There is a bit of time pressure to get a few things done and it's driving me a bit loopy that it's all being driven by me. I'm taking it as a bit of a personal
Insult that he's not getting on with it off his own back ... It's got to the point where ive said let's call it off - where on earth do we go from here?

Spickle Sun 12-Jul-15 14:23:39

Tbh most men are happy to let the women do everything, that's normal. Set him a job to do - find a suit to wear for himself and best man etc and let him get on with it (suggest colours). If he can't be bothered to do that, then it does sound like he's not fussed about getting married at all.

Glitteryfrog Sun 12-Jul-15 15:18:43

The wedding business is aimed at women.
The magazines are brides, you and your wedding etc etc
Wedding brochures for venues are pictures of women in white dresses looking wistful.
You're supposed to feel like a special princess.

The groom seems to just be an inconvenient but necessary addition to the wedding.

sooperdooper Sun 12-Jul-15 15:22:29

Have you discussed what you both want in terms of a wedding? If he wants a small do and you're planning a huge affair he's not particularly interested in having I can understand why he's not that bothered

Sit down and agree what you both do and don't want, accept you'll both have to compromise in some way, then revisit the plans

ThursdayLast Sun 12-Jul-15 15:23:15

Well if you've expressed your unhappiness and he still won't take on any responsibility, what's the point of marrying him?

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sun 12-Jul-15 15:24:58

Is he proactive in other areas or is this "true to form"?

Maybe he just genuinely doesnt mind about certain things.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Sun 12-Jul-15 15:26:09

I had an early conversation with DH before the wedding planning got into full flow about the things he cared most about and wanted to be involved in (turned out to be food and drink and guest list); the things he needed to be involved in (eg suit hire); and the things he didn't care about (almost everything else - colour scheme, bridesmaids dresses, seating arrangements, flowers, favours, chair covers etc etc etc). Have you had any similar conversations to check expectations against each other?

DansonslaCapucine Sun 12-Jul-15 15:29:26

Not normal in my world. Dh probably organised more than I did.

AreYouThinkingWhatImThinking Sun 12-Jul-15 15:29:28

This sounds like oh and me! Only yesterday, just one week from the wedding, we had a row in house of fraser because I feel like I've done, and am still doing, absolutely everything. He's only had two things to do

1. make a cakestand (at his suggestion several months ago) - he's only just finished it after weeks of nagging and rows

2. Balloons - it's still not sorted

Yet I can guarantee that he will take a lot of the credit for the wedding and insist on pointing out the cake stand and balloons to every attendee of the wedding, acting like he's single handedly built the bleedin' Taj Mahal!

I can't wait til the wedding is over so I can de-stress tbh!

I love him but he's been no help whatsoever

sooperdooper Sun 12-Jul-15 15:29:51

Thursdaylast seriously? confused

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 12-Jul-15 15:32:19

When DH and I were planning our wedding, every single decision was met with "whatever you want, sweetheart." After a few weeks of this I completely lost it.

Turns out he thought he was being helpful and thoughtful, letting me have my way with everything. He couldn't get it into his head that I had not in fact been planning My Speshul Day since the stereotypical age of 5.

I had to explain very carefully that I did not give one shiny shit about the exact details of our colour scheme, or our flowers, or the invitations, or the wedding favours, or whether to have a video as well as photos (this was quite a long time ago). I just wanted someone else to take responsibility for some of the planning and decisions. And someone else in this case was him.

He stepped up and we had an awesome wedding.

Maybe your DP is thinking along the same lines OP?

ThursdayLast Sun 12-Jul-15 15:35:07

Well I understand OP isn't just going to call off the wedding, but I don't think I would like to marry someone who didn't give a fuck if I was upset and he was in a position to help me.

Pardon me for having done self esteem.

fhdl34 Sun 12-Jul-15 15:35:33

Wait till you're married, he'll be even worse then, especially once you'd had kids

sooperdooper Sun 12-Jul-15 15:42:59

It depends what she's expecting and whether it's been discussed and agreed on - if for example she wants a huge do and expects he should be arranging thrones and doves whilst he'd be happier with a registary office ceremony and a buffet in a pub - (or vice-versa!) then it's not fair to assume he's the one in the wrong.

ThursdayLast Sun 12-Jul-15 15:48:38


CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Sun 12-Jul-15 16:00:39

fhd - really?? Just because someone isn't that engaged about the minutiae of a wedding it means that they are going to be unsupportive and crap parents? Ok... hmm

ThursdayLast Sun 12-Jul-15 16:33:34

i feel like that if two people are so NOT on the same page during the planning of their wedding - how are they going to support one another through parenthood?

It's LOADS more difficult!

I don't think it's that much of a leap to assume this might become a pattern of behaviour - I've certainly heard friends complaining about the same trait in their partners over and over and over

fhdl34 Sun 12-Jul-15 18:12:14

It's not about the minutiae, it's about what is important to his wife to be. He should be supportive because he is committed and it matters to her. If he expects her to pick up the slack now then he will continue to do that, start as you mean to go on and communicate what is and isn't acceptable to her, that's all I'm saying, then it's up to him whether he adapts his behaviour or not

sooperdooper Sun 12-Jul-15 18:38:07

But the OP hasn't explained what's been discussed or agreed so it could be a lack of communication on both sides, or unreasonable expectations on either side - I think it's a bit much to talk about him needing to 'adapt his behaviour' without knowing a bit more detail

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Mon 13-Jul-15 23:30:40

You are all right in different ways! We've got kids and he's a super supportive partner etc etc ... He has been married before and says the most important thing to him is that I become his wife... I haven't been married - and whilst I'm not going down the traditional route of a wedding - I do want the day (well days actually but that's another story) to be special significant and memorable.
We have managed to sit down and talk it through and it was a lot about miscommunication... I think we are back on the same page now and he's created some really awesome wedding invites - maybe I don't need to reconsider marrying him eh?��

theyoniwayisnorthwards Tue 14-Jul-15 10:26:48

My oh wanted a big wedding, I wanted a registry office. I capitulated and we have found suppliers ignore him and go over his head to speak to me. Everyone from the DJ to the venue advertise specifically to 'brides', when he tells them something they usually email me to check its ok. It's patronising and infuriating, the wedding industry is awful.

dollydaydreamers Thu 23-Jul-15 10:05:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dollydaydreamers Thu 23-Jul-15 10:07:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 23-Jul-15 10:10:29

Seems completely normal to me. Why were you expecting it to be any different?

WorldObserver Fri 31-Jul-15 07:57:40

We're getting married next year and I'm totally looking to get involved (I'm a guy).

I think the premise of I being only the bride's day is a bit archaic, while I do want to make her as happy and proud and all things nice, I'm there too and it's important to me that it bears the overall hallmark of 'us'.

My profession is commercial video/photography with a degree in music - it was suggested I spec out some video companies and photographers and looked into sourcing musicians/ DJ's. Ive done this and then showed her the shortlist and from there we have decides our photographer and she picked the video lot.

point out that I was initially against the video idea but my reasons were based on cost-saving. She made a fair case about getting one but it felt great to be included and have my opinion considered.

Ive been to two wedding fayres, for the sake of being slightly overwhelmed by loads of companies and people for around two hours it actually let me see what goes into a wedding - ive only been to two very traditional weddings so far.

Try and get your chap involved and consider each others hobbies or whatever to sort little tasks. You're both aiming to be together for the long run so its a good place to get on the same page and engaged with whatever youre both wanting to bring to the wedding!

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