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Very religious FIL, I want to respect them, but still do things my way...

(11 Posts)
Fortuna4065 Fri 29-May-15 11:19:30

Here's the thing. DP's family are ultra conservative, and i am most definitely not. I was raised to be a hippy child, so much so, that until recently I had never considered getting married. I have done in the last few months what a lot of girls do throughout their teens - imagine dresses, plan locations, think about bridal parties etcetc. At first I was a bit taken aback by the necessity of marriage (many in my family in very long term relationships for life, no need to marry) but it is important to DP and I love him, so that's alright.
I'm a bit worried about incorporating religion into the wedding though. For them, it's about a couple and their relationship with God. I can just about accept that if I filter it through my wicca and buddhist lenses, but not sure if I'm allowed to have a non-trad wedding. I was thinking on a beach, in God's own creation so to speak. I would also like to prepare all the food with my friends and any other members of our families that wished to participate - a giant pot luck if you will. (Myself and many of my friends all work in restaurants chefs/waitresses etc so that is not as unachievable as some might think!) But that is quite unusual too. But if this is a family affair I would like to do more than just stand in front of them and declare our love, I like the idea of everyone creating a feast and enjoying it together after.
Last year, another of his siblings got married and it was full formal in a church and everything, and she had recently found religion... I am not going to be that girl. At the same time, I would like to respect them, they have made me very welcome and they had no obligation to do so.
Anyway, long story short... What would you do?

cuntycowfacemonkey Fri 29-May-15 11:23:53

Well what does your DP want? TBH you need to figure out what you and your DP want and if it's vastly different figure out how to compromise. What your in laws want is irrelevant

SunshineAndShadows Fri 29-May-15 11:29:07

If you're in England you have to be married indoors to be legal (I think) outdoors is fine in Scotlabd tho.

You and your soon to be DH need to decide what you want. Not anyone else

Timeforabiscuit Fri 29-May-15 11:31:39

Just concentrate on you and your dp's wishes - you will never please everyone at a wedding grin

Fortuna4065 Fri 29-May-15 11:32:32

I'm in Australia! Outdoors weddings happen often.
I think DP likes the idea but is feeling the pull of old societal pressures, like even though he is non-practising these days he would still like to be the good son.
I was just asking to see if anyone else has had to negotiate similar tricky terrain and how they went about it.

comeagainforbigfudge Fri 29-May-15 11:42:47

Can you investigate with the priest/reverend? Find out if can do a part faith service. So ask you to support soon-to-be-dh's beliefs and vice-versa. I'm sure I've been to a wedding that did exactly that.

Or maybe see about a private ceremony afterwards where the marriage is blessed?

But if I were you, I'd get your partner to tell you what HE would want for the wedding. (Not what he thinks is expected) Then united front to all sides of the family once you agree.

By the way, I love the idea of everyone bringing a dish. sounds so much fun!

Lots luck op flowers

AlternativeTentacles Fri 29-May-15 11:44:23

You need to have the wedding you want. Your father in law had the wedding he wanted when he married.

Don't start your married life trying to do what everyone else wants.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan Sat 06-Jun-15 07:28:14

I think that a lot of Christians (including myself) would rather you didn't get married in a Church if you don't believe in God.

My dh and I didnt get married in Church because, at the time, neither of us believed in God (dh still doesn't) and felt it would be extremely hypocritical to make promises to a God we didn't believe in. I didn't want to start my marriage that way.

Both of our families are very religious. We explained our reasoning to them and tbey were fine with that.

Have the wedding that you and your partner want, and don't feel pushed into anything.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Sat 06-Jun-15 07:51:18

I have a v religious family. My DH does not. Neither of us is religious.

We got married abroad. DM was mortified. She still snipes about it. Also about our children not being christened ("if they die they'll go to hell! Do you not love your children)". Also about our failure to indoctrinate our children into a religion we don't believe in. And and and a million other things.

See, here's the thing though. When my DB got married, he kept them sweet, he did what they expected, despite neither the bride not groom being believers. Big mistake. They are still subjected to way way more pressure than us. I believe it is because they set the expectations with the big formal church wedding.

When I look at my wedding photos I am happy remembering it.

Pause for thought before marrying someone who can't separate his own opinion from his ultra conservative Dad's opinion. He should be influenced by you more than his dad. Stick to your guns. Help your DP stand up for what he actually believes in.

Believe me the religious pressure is a gazillion times worse when you have DC. Get your boundaries firmly set now.

Szeli Sat 06-Jun-15 21:04:22

We had a blessing the following Sunday. DH couldn't make promises to a God he didn't believe in but was ok accepting the blessing for my benefit

ivvey09 Mon 08-Jun-15 12:08:45

I sympathise, but agree with others that it really is your marriage you are celebrating and not the family, although you are merging. It can be a tricky situation as obv you want everyone to be happy. This is where I think having a Celebrant might be the answer - even though they cant legally record the marriage they can create a ceremony which incorporates many ideas, symbols and rituals and can be held outside. I know its a bit of a novel idea, but there are a lot of these around now and many hold multi faith wedding ceremonies which allow you to incorporate semi religious or religious material if you wanted. I suggest looking for a Celebrant local to you and getting in touch with them for a chat about their services.

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