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bridesmaid + 1

(21 Posts)
s88 Mon 20-Oct-14 21:08:27

I have 2 bridesmaids , one lives with her dp and is a family member and the other has a new bf ( 4 months)

obviously the BM who is family also has her dp attending.

I wasn't sure what to do about the other BM bringing her new boyfriend. Tbh I don't see the point in him attending the day for a few reasons :

BM will be staying with me the night before the wedding and getting ready together

BM will be with me partly through ceremony then sitting at the front

BM will be in a lot of photos and sitting on the top table
I have actually never met her bf and it seems quite a whirlwind romance, I have suggested to her that he come after the dinner before getting ready for the evening but she laughed it off and said he won't mind being on his own in the day.

venue is £8 pp and without sounding like a bridezilla (I'm really not) I just don't see the point and I think she may end up being with him throughout the day and not much use as a bridesmaid .

would you invite or suggest (again) that he come to the evening instead ?

s88 Mon 20-Oct-14 21:09:13

That should say 85 per person !

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees Mon 20-Oct-14 21:10:16

Could he come to the evening?

s88 Mon 20-Oct-14 21:11:24

Yes I suggested he came at about 5.30 so he could get ready if he wanted to with BM . evening starts at 7 PM

DuelingFanjo Mon 20-Oct-14 21:15:13

Is the bridesmaid upset?

Catnuzzle Mon 20-Oct-14 21:15:30

I think she should be extended the courtesy of a plus 1 invite. She is, presumably, a very close friend and will not want to feel like her relationship, albeit new, is insignificant to you.

s88 Mon 20-Oct-14 21:16:07

She didn't seem upset just laughed it off and said he would be fine there without her sitting with him etc

VanitasVanitatum Mon 20-Oct-14 21:16:13

Not worth the fall out with a good friend. She obviously feels like he's long term, probably feels hugely important to her right now.

From her response it sounds like she hasn't considered that he might not be welcome, I think she'd be hurt to find out that's how you feel.

ohdearitshappeningtome Mon 20-Oct-14 21:17:14

Sorry u lost me at£85 per person!

s88 Mon 20-Oct-14 21:19:59

I see how you mean , and no it is definitely not worth the fall out .

yes 85 but that is with the ceremony being in the same place so it is a full day from 11 am until 1 am so I think not too bad !

MimiSunshine Thu 23-Oct-14 18:57:40

I Don't think you're a Bridezilla but your post is all "I don't see the point". Maybe she does.

I don't see the distinction you're making with your other BMs partner, she's family and they live together fair enough but you seem to have decided that BM1 shouldn't have her bf there because she may not give her full attention to her 'bridesmaid duties' surely that applies to BM2?

If it's really the cost then just tell you haven't budgeted for it but you'd love him to come in the evening.

s88 Thu 23-Oct-14 19:29:14

It really isn't anything to do with cost at all . BM1 wouldn't be the same as bm2 as I know what they're both like . I speak to BM1 (stbsil ) daily and she is not in a "whirlwind" with a new bf

MimiSunshine Fri 24-Oct-14 09:20:06

If it's not the cost then invite him all day, let him get on with keeping himself entertained and just let BM1 (and 2) know what you'll need them to do or be involved in up until the meal.
A rough plan of timings and schedule will mean she knows what her time (or lack there of) with him will be. She may just be thinking she needs to get up and put a frock on, you may have more in mind.

You sound a bit judgey of their relationship (whirlwind) and seem to want to gatekeep it's progression I.e. And invite to your wedding is anchoring it as serious. Just treat both BMs the same.

Boosk Sun 26-Oct-14 12:57:26

s88 I'm newly engaged and have got absolutely nowhere in terms of planning. One thing I'm certain about though is that I'm not having any guests I haven't met.

In your situation I would try and get to know him (and them as a couple) before inviting him. Can you have them over for dinner or go out together a few times before the big day? It could well be a whirlwind thing but equally he could be a keeper.

I hope that helps and I don't think you're being a bridezilla, £85 is a lot of money to spend on someone you've never met.

kaykayred Thu 08-Jan-15 16:10:25

As a general rule, members of the bridal party should be able to bring their partners, and sorry, but your views on whether they are a "real" couple or not are at best irrelevant, and at worst, rude.

If they only got together after all the planning had been done and deposits paid, then you would be justified in turning around and saying "I'm sorry, but we've already booked everything with the caterer, it's just not possible with the time frames"

But it doesn't sound like it's the case here.

Alternatively, if you were ONLY inviting married partners then you could say no, but it's very unfair to single her out. Likewise, if you were already over budget, then you could say no, as long as you were prepared to explain your case. But again, that's not the situation here, and she might even be prepared to cover the cost of his plate if it were.

Basically, she's your friend, and presumably has been helpful to you in the run up to the wedding. In recognition of that you invite her partner.

I am having two bridesmaids and both their partners are invited and will be sitting at the top table with us. I've only met one partner once, briefly, but he is important to her, so he is coming.

Presumably you trust this person, else she wouldn't be a bridesmaid. What makes you think she'll just run off and abandon her bridesmaid duties just because her partner is there?

PrincessOfChina Thu 08-Jan-15 16:17:45

You should invite her partner. I would also invite them both to dinner beforehand. If he's not comfortable, they will decline.

I went to a wedding once where the Best Man's girlfriend wasn't invited. It didn't end well.

caserry Fri 13-Feb-15 05:09:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FishWithABicycle Fri 13-Feb-15 05:28:32

I think you owe your bridesmaid the courtesy of a +1. The per-head cost is not a reason to withhold such a courtesy. So long as your bm is clear about what her time commitments are, you can let her and her bf decide for themselves whether he's going to be bored while she's busy - that's not your decision. If he loves her enough to hang around all day at the wedding of someone he doesn't really know just for the chance to be there for her when she isn't otherwise occupied, then she's a lucky girl.

Justyouwaitandsee Fri 13-Feb-15 05:29:03

You ask 'what is the point?' I would say that the point is ensuring that your BM feels valued by you for who she is, not just what she can do for you on the day. is it essential that she sits on the top table? Could you give her the choice to sit with him at dinner instead? (Our BMs sat on normal tables and our best mans GF sat next to him on the top table) a close friend of mine brought a new partner (who we had never met) and he ended up taking some wonderful photos of the day. Is this really worth risking an upset over? I know weddings are pricy, but she is obviously a close friend and this is something which would mean a lot to her...

superram Fri 13-Feb-15 06:28:30

I had a 3 month rule, if partners had been together for 3 months they came. My bridesmaid partner had only known her about 2 months- he came in the evening. I can see both sides, I would talk to her and see what she says- not worth losing a friend over £85.

Thumbwitch Fri 13-Feb-15 06:41:45

I think BM's partners, even if they're relatively short term, should be allowed to come, tbh. Surely you don't expect her to be at your shoulder every second of the day, do you?
(I would probably draw the line at new bf who she's only known for a week, but I think 4 months is reasonable - but this is one of the reasons I didn't have any BMs at all, so I didn't have to worry about this sort of thing)

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