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Evening invites only to family who live 3 hours drive away. Will they be offended?

(36 Posts)
MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 22:23:23

DP's cousins live 3 hours drive away in London and he doesn not have a close relationship with them at all, hence the reason they are not invited to the afternoon reception as we are keeping it to 50 close family and friends who we see a lot. Is it acceptable to only invite people to the evening do when they live so far away?? Interested to see what others have done in a similar situation. Thanks

deleted203 Sat 09-Feb-13 22:26:28

I think it is. If they don't have a close relationship with him they might not be bothered about coming, but that's up to them. They can either come for the evening 'do' and get a hotel for the night or send a polite 'sorry we can't make it'. Presumably he won't be too offended if they don't come?

CooEeeEldridge Sat 09-Feb-13 22:28:05

Think it's fine if you're not close. Odd one isnt it? Pressure to invite them as they are 'family' but no relationship with them. Did you get invited to theirs? I would hope they would be grown up / sensible about it also. Is there likely to be anyone else unhappy with this?

MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 22:33:59

We didn't get invited to one of the cousins who got married 3 years ago. The other 2 are still single. The thing is the cousin who did get married has recently helped out DP with a job oppurtunity by offering him an internship with the company he works for last year. This has greatly improved DP's chances of getting his dream job. When he got married 3 years ago he wasn't really in touch with DP so no real obligation to invite us. Obviously makes things a bit trickier as we feel we 'owe him one.'

AnneEyhtMeyer Sat 09-Feb-13 22:44:05

Why are you inviting them? If you don't want them there why not leave them off the list?

By sending an evening invitation you are just going out of your way to tell them you don't really want them there.

KaraStarbuckThrace Sat 09-Feb-13 22:48:46

Yes, sorry but that is not on.

I had a limit on numbers to, those who had a reasonable distance to travel were invited for the whole thing (and we had a 4pm ceremony to allow them time to travel up on the day, and freshen up at the hotel they were staying - we booked a job lot of rooms) and local friends were invited to the evening do.

I had a friend invite DH and I to the evening part of a reception that was 4 hours away from where we lived, they also declined to invite our children - knowing it would be impossible to arrange childcare (as we have no family near us or near the venue). I'd rather they hadn't invited us. Naturally we declined to go!

80sMum Sat 09-Feb-13 22:53:43

I find it strange to receive an invitation to the end of a party! I know it's quite the norm nowadays to have these evening dos and extra people are invited to them, but to me it would be like arriving at the theatre during the interval, having missed the first Act!

MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 22:53:57

We do want them there AnneEyhtMeyer but budget restrictions mean if we invite one of the cousins incl. his wife and 2 children to the afternoon reception (the one who has helped DP and we have more of a relationship with) then it would only be fair to invite the other 2 cousins. This increases our numbers by an extra 10 people if you factor in their partners and children. Can you see the quandary? I'm trying to put myself in their situation and can't decide whether it would just be better to not invite them to any part of the wedding, even though I would feel awful.

MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 22:55:33

I see your point exactly Kara and 80sMum but we have to draw the line somewhere.

AnneEyhtMeyer Sat 09-Feb-13 22:57:47

It would be better not to invite them rather than sending them an invitation which just screams "we don't want you here but feel obliged to invite you".

Honestly, are you expecting people to travel three hours, pay for a hotel, and then travel three hours home to come to an evening do? Seriously? I suspect the answer is "No". Therefore why invite them?

MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 23:01:58

Quite an abrupt response AnneEyhtMeyer...

AnneEyhtMeyer Sat 09-Feb-13 23:08:28

I don't think I am being abrupt. I'm just asking you to think about what you are doing and how it will be perceived.

If you are honest with yourself you will know that if you really wanted them to be there you would have invited them to the whole shebang.

There is nothing wrong with not inviting people to a wedding, I don't agree with inviting everyone you've ever met / are related to / knows your mother. I just wish people would be more honest with their invitations, and inviting someone who lives three hours away (and who you admit you aren't close to) to an evening reception is frankly pointless and a bit insulting.

MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 23:11:58

In an ideal world I would invite them to the whole day but like I have said, and I'm sure this is the case for many people, we don't have an unlimited supply of money. But having thought it through and from what people have said so far, perhaps it's better to adopt the 'all or nothing' approach.

LittleBearPad Sat 09-Feb-13 23:13:19

Was just invited to the evening only as well that is several hundred miles away. We have a small DC so it was surely obvious we'd say no. Definitely a duty invite and fairly irritating.

MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 23:17:28

Does anyone actually believe in 'evening-only' invites then? Because by the responses so far it would seem they just appear rude?

MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 23:24:32

Thanks for your insight AEM, you are probably right

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 09-Feb-13 23:29:30

Evening only invites, to my mind, are for work colleagues and local 'mates' who do not have far to travel.

People you really want to share your wedding are invited to the whole shebang.

HazeltheMcWitch Sat 09-Feb-13 23:31:20

AGree with Exit - they're for local colleagues/friends - not good friends - who are in your life now but probably wont be in 5, 10, 15 years time.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sat 09-Feb-13 23:32:29

I wouldn't be offended by such an invite and as we sometimes go away for a Saturday night stay at weekends, I'd try and combine with one of those. Or I'd decline. No big deal.

Unacceptable Sat 09-Feb-13 23:44:35

I wouldn't be offended at all.

My cousin lives a couple of hours away and while we aren't close these days I'd be happy if she invited me to her upcoming wedding (and would totally understand an evening only invite,have only seen her on facebook over the past few years)

With big families it isn't always practical to have everyone attend the whole thing and most people get that.

Invite them.

MadameFlutterby Sat 09-Feb-13 23:45:07

We are getting married in church so how about saying something along the lines of they are welcome to watch the ceremony, but due to budget restrictions it is only a very small number at afternoon etc. Or are we digging ourselves a hole?

NorksAreMessy Sat 09-Feb-13 23:49:48

Just don't invite them at all...then the worry goes away

AgentProvocateur Sat 09-Feb-13 23:50:45

God, no - that's worse! "Travel three hours to see us for 30 minutes in the church, bugger off for another three hours and amuse yourself in a storage city while I take everyone else for a meal, then join us for a few hours' dancing before travelling back for three hours... "

Think about it. The cousin did your DH a massive favour. Invite him and his partner, but not the two other cousins, to the whole day.

MiniEggsinJanuary Sat 09-Feb-13 23:51:01

I agree with you, OP. Hopefully they won't be as offended as DH's cousin's now ex girlfriend who wasn't invited to the main reception but turned up anyway!! We had never met her and DH hadn't seen cousin since he was 4. They had only been in the relationship for a week! We thought we were being generous in inviting her to the evening. She had to be squeezed on to a table beneath elbows and on a child's chair!

AgentProvocateur Sat 09-Feb-13 23:51:21

strange city...

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