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I let my mum "help" and now I've had enough and wish I'd have said no...

(7 Posts)
1Catherine1 Wed 09-Jan-13 22:21:46

I'm looking for advice and hoping that someone wiser than me will help me out.

At the end of November my partner and I decided that we were going to get married in February. We were going to have a small intimate wedding with our nearest and dearest I didn't want anything fancy. I booked the registry office and told my parents. My plan was then to find a nice quiet (we're getting married on a Monday so how hard can it be?) small hotel to hold our reception in. Nothing grand, a family meal (all 15 of us) then an evening party with a small simple buffet. To me this sounded just perfect, small, cozy and loving.

To my parents it sounded cheap and they took on the view that I was scrimping and saving and wouldn't have a lovely day to remember. They didn't immediately come out and say this though, they offered to pay for the reception venue and catering as I have a daughter to pay for. I felt I couldn't refuse their help. Then my mum started paying for other things too, my dress, my bridesmaids dresses (my sister and DD). All of a sudden it seems to have gotten out of hand. Extensive amount have been spent on decorations and then I'm told the first venue we choose wasn't good enough, it was too far from where everyone lived and another venue was chosen, a venue that was going to cost over double the cost of the first one. I was only visiting the area for a few days and told we had to select a new venue in those 2 days. It was stressful but I was the good little daughter and did as I was told and choose the one most convenient for everyone to get home. A large deposit was paid by my parents.

New venue meant a new menu. My partner and I discussed the menu and he decided there was one part he wanted a particular way. My mother was not happy and told him it needed to be done her way as his wasn't traditional. She then later phoned me with an obvious ultimatum. Her menu or she was not paying for it, she was not happy about how my partner had spoken to her (he had strongly disagreed but been less rude that she had). She then gave me and him a "To do list", which included getting wedding cars which to be honest I hate and see no point in. I have told her this several times in the last few weeks but she insists they are necessarily. I know some people love them but I have zero interest in cars and really wouldn't care if I drove there myself in my efficient little motor. As she has spent her budget for the wedding I will be paying for it and I seem to be getting very expensive quotes. Quotes that exceed the cost of the catering at the first place we picked which I now wish I'd paid for it myself in the beginning and had the simple do I originally planned.

Is this normal MoB behaviour? AIBU to be frustrated with all this? I'm wondering if I'm being overly emotional as I was unwell last week and now snowed under with work too.

I guess I now don't have a choice. I won't be any more out of pocket than I would have been originally paying for the car. I can't back out of the venue now as my parents will lose all that money and I can't afford to pay the remaining amount to the new venue so I'll have to give in to my mums demands.

I don't know... I'm thinking of eloping instead, bit late for that now I guess.

Sorry, didn't mean for it to be so long, it has just really gotten me down and I needed to get it out. I'm not looking forward to pushing my partner to modify his only request.

SageMist Wed 09-Jan-13 22:29:33

My mother would have done this kind of thing!
Take control of YOUR wedding, sit down with your Mum find out what has been booked and paid for (and if deposits or in full). Then decide what YOU want to keep and cancel everything else and then do the rest of the organising yourself.
You will only get married Once to your partner, do it YOUR way!

Good luck.

Reaa Wed 09-Jan-13 23:44:54

Could not of put it any better than sage did.

1Catherine1 Thu 10-Jan-13 13:00:20

Thanks, I think I really needed to know that I wasn't just being spoilt, selfish and ungrateful. Thankfully my mum has gone on holiday for a week. I can deal with her when she gets home.

sashh Fri 11-Jan-13 07:07:29

Is this normal MoB behaviour? AIBU to be frustrated with all this?

Yes and YANBU


MmeLindor Sun 13-Jan-13 20:33:06

Phone the venue tomorrow and ask what you would lose if you cancel. It might not be too much since you are still a month away.

Tell your mother you have changed your mind and want to do things your way.

STick to your guns, even if it causes a big scene. It is your wedding and if you do as she wants, she will hold this over you for years, 'after all we've done for you, yada yada yada...'

nightshade1 Sun 13-Jan-13 23:20:06

yep im sure its normal - ive just bought a 'fake' wedding dress so i can say to my mum its already been bought and paid for so she cant coax bully me into some huge princessy monstrosity that she has made very clear she wants me to have!!!!

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