Is it ever acceptable to ask for money as wedding gifts?(119 Posts)
DD proposes to do this and has a twee little poem to send out with the invitations to soften the blow.
I am appalled and we have already had one row about it. Her view is that as she and her DF live together they have everything they need and as they want a honeymoon and can't afford it themselves, it's OK to ask their guests to pay for it.
This makes me deeply uncomfortable. Am I just old fashioned?
Hopefully the next trend will be to take the gloves off and just be honest: charge admission to your wedding and be done with it.
You're a barrel of laughs aren't you? Whenever I've gone to a wedding I've always wanted to give a gift. If people don't want to that's fine, we just want everyone to come along and have a good time. I'd feel like a cunt turning up to any kind of party empty handed and I don't see a wedding as any different.
I've never turned up for a wedding empty-handed, but being told what to give as a gift is rude, crass, grabby and, well, like school in the Summertime: no class.
I don't get why it's rude? It smacks of common sense and i have never been offended by this.
Surely it's ok to be open with the people you care about?
Yes. My son and daughter in law were in the same position. They live in Australia and we live in Ireland. They were getting married in Ireland but did not wnat gifts because they had been together for years and had all they needed. Also anything they brought back would have been subject to tax at the airport. So they sent out invitations with a little poem. They did not have a big wedding so it was family and close friends. When they went on honeymoon they took photos of everywhere they went. On arriving home they sent each guest a thank you card and a photo of what they had used the money for. Our money gift was used to take a flight over the Grand Canyon.
My father in law is terminally ill so we've had to move the wedding forward by 8 months and guests only get 5 weeks notice before the day. We sent this:
A Note From The Bride and Groom…
The keen eyed among you will have spotted that our wedding day has moved forward and the venue has also changed. With recent family news in mind, OP and DP have decided to move the wedding to a time when we can be surrounded by all the people we love the most. If you’re reading this, it means we count you among those people and we would be overjoyed to see you there.
The best gift you could give us is to come and see us on the day, but if you would like to get us a small gift we’d appreciate contributions to a honeymoon fund, which we plan to use in April to celebrate 10 years together as a couple.
Please accept our sincerest apologies for the late notice and we’re looking forward to seeing you there!
We decided to ask for money because we hated the thought of people mithering about gifts with so little notice!
Yes of course it is.
It saves them returning gifts they don’t need and people rushing out to get gifts when they don’t need to. I prefer giving money at weddings. Saves a stressful trip into town to select a gift, then the wrapping of it, then storing it in my safe place (which I can then never seem to find again) and then carrying a bulky gift to the wedding.
From the Bride perspective we made no mention of gifts on our invites. If people enquired re gifts we said really nothing, if they pressed we said JL vouchers would be lovely.
If I am a guest no matter the situation I always give cash, cash is king they can spend it on what they want, even if its settling the bill! Despite always giving cash I despise any form of request for money its really grating when I will give cash anyway. What people give is down to them and their choice.
The best advice is from my mother, expect nothing and you won't be disappointed!
@sashh ....they only had silver wedding rings￼. DP and I are 'only' having bespoke silver wedding rings which cost an arm and a leg.
@expatinscotland .......perfectly put!
On our invitations it states .....No gifts thank you.......Simple as that! I don't want or need a pile of 'stuff' and taking money from people would make me cringe.
If a couple are setting up home together fair enough, give a useful gift. If not, Asking for x,y or z and even worse asking for money is just grabby, entitled behaviour.
MN will tell you no, but we asked for cash gifts. Most people expect to give a gift at a wedding, most people don't mind giving cash.
Make sure that you have very small options if you're going through a website, i.e. £5/£10.
It's so common now, it's not offensive!
Most of my friends have either had something along the lines of 'no gifts please but if you would like to contribute something small towards our honeymoon, you can'
Or just say nothing at all, which means cash in the card.
It's really no big deal! Things have changed.
Newlyweds are no longer setting up a new home together - they already have that.
It's crazy that it's rude. I'm pretty sure that everywhere else in the world money is given.
Gift giving brings out the worst in people imo. Despite knowing we lived in a gardenless flat a group of older friends
who considered living in London to being akin to living in Sodom and Gomorrah clubbed together to give us gardening implements.
I think you should give them what they want.
Unwanted presents are such a waste. This is having spent much of the summer going through PIL's unneeded wedding gifts that have been untouched in their loft for the last 50 years.
If the reality is that they already have everything they need, then you should accept that.
Agreed, Fffion. Anything else is a bit selfish as you're thinking more about what you, the giver, wants than your friends/family, the bride and groom want.
And surely if you want to do anything it is to celebrate their marriage in the way they chose?
The last two wedding I went to did this - one asked for a contribution to their fund and one had a page where you could pick an activity and pay for it.
I have no problem with either. They're my friends. I want to get them something they will like. If you don't want to give them anything, don't.
I was brought up being told that to ask for anything as a gift was rude but it was especially rude to ask for money, but I honestly can't get too aerated over it these days. I just wish people would ask directly and not use those godawful poems. The false coyness of we know we're being rude but we're hiding it behind something twee makes me want to vomit. Why does asking via the means of atrocious verse make it better - surely it's worse as you've offended the people who are offended being asked for money and also anyone with an appreciation of poetry
Isn't this just coy wastefulness? This whole charade of me saying "oh don't bring us anything" and the guest then turning up with an expensive gilded candle holder or something that doesn't go with my tastes at all, a waste of money and resources, and then me either regifting it or putting it in the charity bin. What have we achieved with this charade of politeness? It's bad for everyone's budget, its bad for the environment.
We had over a 1,000 people at our wedding, so it isn't a question of breaking even on hosting etc. Loads of people didn't give gifts - perfectly fine and it didn't matter at all. Many gave cash. A few closer friends and relatives asked and got things from our registry. All great.
But the off list gifts - 70% of them were unusable. (Even more so because DH and I live in the U.K. And wedding was in our home country so we'd pay more to ship this stuff back to our house than the gift is worth). It just felt like such a glut of wastefulness!
We all know that attending a wedding means giving a gift. Whether or not the happy couple mentions this in the invitation, does change this basic truth.
If they say they just want your presence, but you turn up empty handed, it's a major faux pas.
So you might as well just give them what you know they want. And make that £100 rather than a Tenner, if you are a couple.
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