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Is it ever acceptable to ask for money as wedding gifts?

(119 Posts)
RockinD Fri 11-May-12 18:56:09

DD proposes to do this and has a twee little poem to send out with the invitations to soften the blow.

I am appalled and we have already had one row about it. Her view is that as she and her DF live together they have everything they need and as they want a honeymoon and can't afford it themselves, it's OK to ask their guests to pay for it.

This makes me deeply uncomfortable. Am I just old fashioned?


Springforward Fri 11-May-12 22:52:01

Urgh to poem. I think asking for vouchers for a particular shop/ thing is ok, but irrationally not cash,, IMHO.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 12-May-12 06:23:36

Same as Springforward. Never, ever a poem!

EdithWeston Sat 12-May-12 06:24:04

Whether or not it's an "advisory" role depends on what they have arranged so far. If the bride's parents are the formal inviters, then it is rather more than that.

If the bride does not want the parental input, then of course she are free to make all the arrangements without assistance. There isn't enough info in OP to know this is the situation; but if it is, then I agree there is no role for third-party preferences regarding the invitations or their extraneous contents.

ChunkyMonkeyMother Sat 12-May-12 07:32:08

I shall go against the grain here - we did ask for money, or more specifically Thomas Cook vouchers - no little ditty or rhyme - just straight up 'x and y have asked tht instead of household items or a gift list people would be so kind to give Thomas cook vouchers'

My DH had been in and out of hospital all year so there was absolutely no way we could have afforded a honeymoon - most people still gave cash - a lot of guests commented that it was much easier than buying from a list!

Does it really matter? I have been to both a list and cash wedding and I enjoyed them both equally - there was no sinister envelope checking on entry and in fact we got a lovely thank you both times and everyone from the cash wedding gt a post card from the honeymoon! didn't even get a brew from the kettle we shelled out for

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-May-12 07:38:55

The rule is simple: it is never acceptable to ask for any kind of gift.


marshmallowpies Sat 12-May-12 07:43:25

A politely worded request - no poem - and thank you letters written afterwards is the etiquette i'd approve of.

I have no problem with people asking for donations towards a honeymoon if they've put a lot of effort into planning the wedding & making it a lovely day for me, giving them something in return that they will appreciate seems completely fair to me.

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-May-12 07:49:51

There I no way to politely word a rude request.

Awesome explained how this is done by people with manners.

Wedding presents are not an entitlement bestowed in payment for a nice day.

exoticfruits Sat 12-May-12 07:57:00

There is no polite way- it is rude. Twee little poems make it worse. If she is set on it at least say so directly in plain English-don't make people want to pass the sick bucket with twee poems!

MrsMangoBiscuit Sat 12-May-12 08:40:53

I haven't had time to read all the replies, sorry. Just wanted to add, when DH and I married we were also already living together and had pretty much all we needed for the house, except carpets! We did a small wedding list for those that wanted one, but also included vouchers for the supplier we'd chosen for carpets. We did include a note (NOT a poem!) to explain, but I remember Mum and I being so careful with the wording to make sure it didn't sound like a request! smile

mamij Sat 12-May-12 08:55:27

In many cultures it's normal to give cash as a gift as people know the burden of having a wedding, so it's considered polite of the guests to "help" out.

At our wedding, we asked for cash or donation to one of our nominated charities.

Maybe asking for cash is more tolerated by the younger generation who don't need two kettles and four toasters?!

scarlettsmummy2 Sat 12-May-12 09:06:07

No, its so presumptuous and rude. Most people will just give them money anyway if they don't have a wedding list.

RockinD Sat 12-May-12 09:39:40

Ladies, thanks for your varied replies, although I think BFH has been a little harsh.

I understand that I only have an advisory role, but I'm not sure that means I have to keep my trap shut when I am uncomfortable about things and on balance it looks as though most of you are uncomfortable with me.



BigFatHeffalump Mon 14-May-12 14:14:25

Hurting your daughter's feelings and rowing with her about something (that whether you are comfortable with it or not) as she is planning her wedding is HARSH. Keep that in mind.

Of all the things to be "uncomfortable" with this is pretty much a non issue she isn't hurting anyone. She's simply doing things differently from you.

I was basically told where I could get married- 4 years on it still rankles- don't let this be the thing that your daughter remembers about her wedding.

5babyangels Mon 14-May-12 17:30:27

We recently got married. Dh was all set for making a wedding list but I really just wanted our friends to enjoy the day and it was their presence I wanted. He agreed. I felt quite uncomfortable asking for things in this climate and we have everything we need. However the funny thing was they all felt guilty about not giving anything so we've ended up with a vast array of picture frames! I couldn't personally ask for money. Perhaps there's a subtle way if reminding your dd the real reason she's getting married. It's v hard i know as everyone starts to tell u what to do when you're getting married but if it were my dd I would be totally embarrassed to ask for money. They are her guests and as such should be treated so. It's like asking friends over for dinner and charging admission at the front Door. Would it be possible to say presents not expected but if anyone feels they want to give anything then money towards......would be gratefully received. Tricky though I agree blush

LittlePicnic Mon 14-May-12 17:47:16

I don't have a problem with wedding gift lists. Most of my friends did this and by doing it online, I didn't have the hassle of going to the shop. What I object to however is people giving their bank details with the invite, so you can electronically transfer the money. Somehow that seemed most vulgar of all.

mummybare Mon 14-May-12 19:16:28

I agree with BFH, I'm afraid. It is HER wedding, they are her guests, it is her choice. Personally, when I got married, we said we did not want any presents, but that if people insisted, they could get us vouchers for John Lewis.

I know plenty of people who have asked for cash, vouchers or contributions to the honeymoon and I have never been offended by the request. I always want to get the happy couple a gift and appreciate the direction.

Some friends of ours had a website with a honeymoon 'gift list' with various activities at a range of prices that people could 'buy'. I don't know how it was set up, but it might be something she could look into as an alternative - quite a nice idea...l

CMOTDibbler Mon 14-May-12 19:24:09

To me, the only time it is acceptable is for charity, or for something very specific in the house - I have contributed to a kitchen refurb for instance, and my colleague asked for Wickes vouchers for their loft conversion work.
I don't see why I would pay for something on someones holiday tbh, except maybe in exceptional circs.
I'm going to a wedding soon where the couple have asked for no gifts, but I will make a donation to a charity I know to be close to the brides heart instead

duffybeatmetoit Mon 21-May-12 11:51:27

Awesome makes a good point about having someone you can trust to field queries about gifts. My MIL took it upon herself to instruct guests to give us foreign currency for our honeymoon. We weren't asked about whether that was a good idea. She was well aware that the honeymoon was a guided tour for 4 days.

We received over a hundred wedding cards and didn't open them until our return. Unfortunately the people who had done what she had told them had put the money in with their cards and we only discovered it at that point as we hadn't been briefed to expect it.

Ratbagcatbag Mon 21-May-12 12:01:39

Ok, againts the grain here, but we suggested money as a gift for our wedding.

When we put out invites we included a slip of paper with times, venue addresses etc, taxi companies and hotels and we also included with something along the lines off.

We have decided not to do a wedding list as we have everything we require for our home, what is important to us is our friends and family attending our wedding and sharing our special day with us. If you do wish to give a gift then a contribution towards the honeymoon would be greatfully recieved, but please do not feel obliged to do so!

Some did, some didn't - it made no difference to us, it was what we wanted with special people sharing our day! We did get around £1.5k which we went away with and then bought a big expensive dinner service.

The past three weddings I've been too, two have been cash requests and one a gift lift, either is fine with us.

raspberrytipple Wed 23-May-12 20:51:44

we just asked for money but only in that if people asked we were clear that we didn't want anything but if they did want to give something (which people very much do usually) then something towards the honeymoon activities would make it all the more special. It worked out really well and allowed me to say in the thank you cards the activity it went towards. I really, really don't like the little poem in with cards, they are just crap and just draw attention to the fact that you are begging really. Apart from this forum though I generally don't think people care what they are asked for, they are generally happy if they think they are giving something. Last wedding I went to had a wedding list, I didn't like anything on it so one selection was John Lewis vouchers so I bought some of those instead.

Mutt Wed 23-May-12 20:54:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mutt Wed 23-May-12 20:55:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ARightOldPickle Wed 23-May-12 21:03:22

I would far rather give the couple something they really want/need and not have the faff of having to find out what that is - so a gift list or a mention of a honeymoon fund is fine by me.

But please, no cheesy poem!!

raspberrytipple Wed 23-May-12 21:12:54

haha, im glad I didn't invite anyone like you to my wedding Mutt, you'd have been most unwelcome smile

googlenut Wed 23-May-12 21:38:08

Only couple I know who did this (including the tacky poem) were separated 18 months later. Just saying.

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