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Talking about the risks of early weaning is losing me my friends :(

(16 Posts)
raisingrrrl Wed 24-Jun-09 11:51:48

I've been chatting with a friend on Facebook about weaning, she has a ds who is the same age as my dd (who is 17 weeks) and has been thinking about weaning.

I've trotted out the usual stuff about tongue thrust reflexes, true signs of readiness for weaning yadda yadda. Another friend of both of us who has a ds of 10 months has come on and said I'm spouting a load of tosh, to keep my opinions to myself etc. This friend used to be very close to me, before we had kids - I had mine first and follow a very AP-ish line of parenting. I bf, BLW and so on. She feels that mothers instinct trumps everything and I disagree! We've already had a not-quite-argument over elimination communication!

So do I carry own presenting the research to the first friend in the hope she might hold off, or do I bow out and try and salvage my friendship with the second friend (who incidentally weaned at 4 months!)?

I know it's confusing! I'm confused!!

sleepycat Wed 24-Jun-09 11:55:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 24-Jun-09 11:57:53

You have told her the reasons to wait.
I would leave it at that.
I agree with you but I all you can do is give your friend the information, which you have already done.
I feel obliged to mention the reasons for waiting once if it still under discussion but I really wouldn't bother if the decision has already been made. Your other friend with the ten month old feels that you are critising how SHE has done it and is defensive.

So I would leave it now, you have done your bit smile

HumphreyCobbler Wed 24-Jun-09 11:59:54

Oh and I have a friend who does everything very differently to the way I do things - she is very vociferous in conversation about her choices and tbh I just nod and move the conversation on. We all want the best for our dcs after all, I just try and subdue the irritation I feel when she lectures me.

raisingrrrl Wed 24-Jun-09 12:01:47

I agree, and I'm all for people making up their own minds but I feel that they should be in possession of the facts first! The truth is, she (the first friend) is surrounded by people who are telling her that weaning at 4 months won't hurt, they all did it - or earlier - and I feel like I should put across the other side.

I've posted some links to research on early weaning and the DoH guidelines, I think I'll leave it there. Just feel sad that I'm losing my second friend, we used to be so close.

raisingrrrl Wed 24-Jun-09 12:02:57

HC - is she a close friend?

gegs73 Wed 24-Jun-09 12:10:43

I can see where you are coming from totally, but I personally wouldn't advise anyone in RL on things like that unless they either asked me my opinion, or it was causing their child an obvious immediate problem. Your friend must know that its not advised until 6mo but has decided to go with her feeling about her own child and wean early. IMO unless you want to lose her as a friend I think you need to bite you tongue.

Reallytired Wed 24-Jun-09 12:16:07

I think you need to grow up and be a bit more philosophical. Parenting is an art form rather than a science. We all have the right to our own opinons. Also what is right for one family is not necessarily right for another.

Ages that mothers wean their children vary with fashion. At the begining of the 20th century children got their first taste of solids at a year old! In the 1970s people put some baby rice in the bottle of a newborn to make them sleep through the night!

Incidently I co sleep with my daughter, breastfeed on demand. I plan to introduce solids when my daughter shows a clear interest. I think its daft to think that all babies are ready for solids at the same age. I agree with La Leche League that babies are ready for their first solids sometime in the middle of their first year.

ruddynorah Wed 24-Jun-09 12:25:04

i wouldn't advise unless actually asked. so if someone said why aren't you weaning yet i'd say we're doing blw. if they then said oh what's that i'd say it's where you wait to wean til they can feed themself. if they wanted to know more i'd say i've got a really good book about it you can borrow. i'd only offer information if they asked for it. i wouldn't challenge anything they were doing.

as an example my best friend is pregnant, as ma i. she has no intention of bfing, saying she can't be bothered with all that faff. i don't go explaining the disadvantages of ffeeding to her. but if she asked me i'd say i was planning to bf, as i did with dd.

raisingrrrl Wed 24-Jun-09 12:26:42

Reallytired - this is pretty much what I've said to her. I think that as long as someone knows the true signs of readiness for weaning then they can make a good judgement call, but all too often it's stuff like, "Theyre watching me eat, they're waking in the night, they LOOK hungry!"

I started weaning my own ds at 24 weeks, but he didn't actually eat solids till he was 7.5 months. Dd may be ready sooner than that, I don't know.

The main problem is the second friend who started in on me when I posted on the first friend's wall - I think HC is right and she feels like I'm criticizing her choices. Which I suppose I am, in a way. Hey ho, perhaps it's time to bow out of that circle anyway, we've been drifting apart for some time. Doesn't make me feel any less sad about losing a friend though.

reikizen Wed 24-Jun-09 12:37:44

I don't think anyone would take critisism like this well, however kindly meant. I don't think you should have appointed yourself as the expert in this or any other area of parenting as pride comes before a fall and none of us really know what we are doing and despite what the research says every child is different. Life isn't about research and statistics and what the 'experts' say, it's about dealing with the day to day. By all means stop being friends with her if you have to but don't think anyone else will take this 'advice' any better. Keep it to yourself unless someone asks for your opinion and then tread very carefully because at the moment you are accusing your friends of crap parenting! Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but you did ask!

raisingrrrl Wed 24-Jun-09 12:43:40

Yes, you're right, and perhaps I should have kept my mouth shut! The first friend was actually asking fir advice on when to wean, and I tried to be as non inflammatory as I could! it's a touchy subject though I know.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 24-Jun-09 12:56:14

reikizen I think you are being a little harsh as raisingrrrl's friend did ask for her opinion. She gave it. I don't see any problem with that tbh.

to answer your question raisingrrrl I have lost touch with my friend a little since our child rearing methods are so so different. I find her method of disciplining her dc hard to be around sad so it is easier to see less of her. I also "feel" judged by her are I don't treat my ds the same way as she does.

SoupDragon Wed 24-Jun-09 13:00:41

I think what you have to bear in mind is that this is very much a transition period. It is not that long ago that the advice about weaning changed - when I weaned my DSs it was 4 months, when I weaned DD it was 6. It is difficult to see how something that was routinely advised a short while ago has suddenly become a huge no-no.

Reallytired Wed 24-Jun-09 13:02:04

I went to La Leche League meeting which was discussing weaning. I commented that seven years ago the advice (nhs not LLL) was to wean at 16 weeks and earlier if you had a big baby.

My son did the baby equivalent of telling me to f*&K off when I offered him food at 19 weeks.

One woman at the group told me that she thought that the fact that I had attempted to offer him food at 19 weeks is why he developed severely glue ear and his hearing was damaged. It took all the emotional control I had not to physically hit her.

I must add that everyone else I have met at LLL meetings has been lovely. This particular lady is the exception to the rule.

SummerC Wed 24-Jun-09 13:17:41

Personally I don't think it's any of your business. No one likes being told how to raise their children. She asked for your opinion and you've told her - leave it at that. She is a grown woman who is perfectly capable of making decisions regarding her own child. It's none of your business.

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