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Mother in law pregnant at same time!

(50 Posts)
devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 21:32:35

I got pregnant two years ago at the age of 20 (not on purpose but am financially stable etc). My mother in law was quite a young mom and has a 22 year old and 25 year old. I told her I was pregnant, then 1 miscarriage and 6 months later she announces she is "accidentally pregnant" at the age of 45. I put accidentally in quotation marks as she keeps changing her story. We were calling our child Daisy which she then "got dibs on" by decorating the room and putting Daisy on the wall (luckily i had a boy but we did not know this). Now that we've both had our children (mine is 2, hers is nearly 2), she doesn't make an effort at all with him despite living 3 streets away. She gave him a pair of Daisys shoes for his birthday! She puts all this stuff on facebook about how great a grandparent she is when in fact she's seen him 4 times this year. Am i over reacting and being petty? I'm just beyond frustrated at how immature she is. She tries to act like a teenager by leaving her child with others and going clubbing every weekend. I just find her very pathetic and it just upsets me that she sees her friends children but not her own grandchild.

VocationalGoat Tue 22-Dec-15 21:37:05

I find that incredibly odd and honestly, maybe you should be glad she's not in your life that often. She sounds self-centered. It's just sad that you both have kids the same age, she's family, and it could all be really wonderful but instead she's distant. Four times a year, 3 streets away... says it all really. sad
What does your partner/DH think of his mum's antics?

hesterton Tue 22-Dec-15 21:40:41

Is your dh able to help her out a bit? It must be very tiring having a little one at 45.

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 21:42:07

sorry vocationalgoat i'm new to this haha. Without sounding awful, he's embarrassed to tell his friends that his mom has a child younger than his. She didn't see him on his birthday because she was going out, just popped up a few days before. Only had his Christmas present today because they parked their car next to ours at the shopping centre and the present was in the car. Its annoying that people judge us for being young parents but in fact, she's the one acting like a teenager. Its just such a weird situation and i feel for my son when he's older because he's going to have so many questions as to why she's in and out his life. She doesn't even call herself a grandparent as she's "too young".

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 21:46:47

hesterton, my partner works shifts so he works 7am-7pm most days and then when he's off he spends it with us. She was told not to get pregnant again as it will make her back worse (she has a slipped disc and arthritis) but yet she got pregnant. I understand having a child is hard but we have our own child to look after too and with me having epilepsy, it would be nice for her to help us. Her husband doesn't work and neither does she so she's not by herself, plus her husbands family have her weekends so they can go "up town". Im not a nasty person, please dont think that I am but my partner isn't going to help her out so she can go out drinking.

Chopz Tue 22-Dec-15 21:50:09

Going out clubbing (or doing other hobbies) is not trying to be a teenager. It's creating balance in her life and means she does something she enjoys.

It doesn't really matter if getting pregnant at 45 was an accident or not. It's irrelevant. Lots of women have babies aged 45.

It's odd she tried to nab your name by writing it in the wall. Obviously the name would have been yours if you'd had a DD.

It's a shame that she hasn't given much time/thought to your DS. Have you tried inviting her? Do you fuss her 2 year old? How is she coping with motherhood?

ChinaSorrows Tue 22-Dec-15 21:50:54

OP I suggest you report your post and ask MN to remove your son's name. Don't divulge personal information to the Internet

hesterton Tue 22-Dec-15 21:54:32

It must be sad for you and your family but she doesn't have to do more with her grandson. Her loss of course. How's her little one? Does she cope ok?

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 21:54:42

Chopz, i know that it's creating balance but the one time I went to the pub she said i need to grow up and be a mother.
Its not irrelevant to me because she told her daughter she wasn't happy with the attention i was having so it was clearly petty of her.
We invite her round on special occasions, try to have her round for tea and also ask if we can have her daughter to come and play with our son and our texts go unanswered.
She's coping absolutely fine but my father in law said that when she had their children 20 odd years ago, she acted this exact same way because her sister was having a child before her.

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 21:57:31

hesterton, I understand she doesn't have to do more with him but she sees her other grandchild each week. Her little one is very well, such a lovely girl and we offer to have her but she doesn't answer our messages.
We always got on well until i got pregnant and this jealous nasty side just came out.
I wouldn't really care that she doesn't spend time with but it's because she bashes my dad who doesn't come round (he lives in Scotland), so thats what I don't understand.
Please understand that i'm not being nasty or bitter, it's just such a confusing situation

expatinscotland Tue 22-Dec-15 21:58:15

'Lots of women have babies aged 45. '

They do?! Dear god! I'm 45 in a couple of months and that's right up there with nightmare scenarios.

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 21:59:37

Also bearing in mind that she said i shouldn't complain after my c section because it's not like i gave birth naturally.
She's just very vindictive since we told her I was pregnant and it's just very upsetting for us all.

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 22:00:35

expatinscotland haha that comment has definitely made me feel better!

unimaginativename13 Tue 22-Dec-15 22:00:49

I know lots of family who have same age uncle/aunt niece/ nephew. It happens when women have children young.

Sometimes people can get a bit too involved in names and stuff and maybe she thought she was being nice with the Daisy thing.

Just think aswell she has a 2 year old child and you can't judge anyone by your standards.

If your 3 roads away how many times have you visited?

hesterton Tue 22-Dec-15 22:02:26

I do get your sadness and I don't think you're nasty or bitter. But bottom line is she has her responsibilities and it's her loss. I cannot tell you how much happiness my dgc give me, so I do mean it. But as expat said, having a dc at that age cannot be easy and you can but try to support her. Sad she won't let you.

I think you have to write off any ideas you might have of her ever changing.

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 22:03:32

i'm not judging at all! I'm simply stating that she's being petty.
We text her numerous times a week to ask if she's in and she always ignores the text so when we drive by we ring the bell and she doesn't answer.
We have tried so many times that we are at our wits ends.
I've come on here for advice.

Chopz Tue 22-Dec-15 22:03:45

It's very odd that your DH is embarrassed that's she's had a baby at 45. The average age for having DC in my area is 30's/early 40s. Non of my friends would be judgemental of someone having a baby at 20 though.

It's great if she's getting out doing stuff for herself, although if she's drinking heavily that's not good.

Also why hasn't the FIL been mentioned? Is he capable of obtaining birthday gifts for your little one? Does he make any effort to spend time with your DS?

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 22:06:18

thankyou so much hersterton for understanding!
I completely understand that her having a young child is without a doubt a struggle but a text now and again isn't hard.
Would it be bad if i didn't bother texting her or popping round to see how long it would be for her to make an effort?
My partner has decided enough is enough for him but i like to see the best in people, but we just keep getting hurt time and time again.
When i breastfed my son (covered up) she said it was un natural and to do it else where. I thought mothers were meant to support each other?

ProfessorPickles Tue 22-Dec-15 22:08:05

I can completely understand your frustrations, I am a little confused as to why some are feeling sorry for her if I'm honest. She will have known exactly what she was doing with the Daisy thing, and she sounds like a nightmare.
Nothing wrong with going out for a drink unless it's all the time and impacting on her parenting. Sounds like she makes some awful comments to you OP.

I think it's best to stay out of her way because she sounds like a jealous, bitter woman to make comments about your c section and you going out for a drink yourself.

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 22:09:43

chopz, my father in law is amazing! He comes round each weekend, texts for updates when he's away at work, spoils him rotten and is just such a lovely man.
Dont get me wrong, I think its great she's out and about, I don't really care she's drinking but the one time I went out and got tagged in a picture with a drink (it was coke, I dont drink because of epilepsy), she said I should be at home with my child. Thats what i dont understand; why it's okay for her to do this, but not for me.
i honestly love her, she used to be so great to me but the person she's become just isn't nice.

Chopz Tue 22-Dec-15 22:10:43

The breastfeeding comment was very inappropriate. What's FIL's involvement?

Chopz Tue 22-Dec-15 22:11:56

She sounds like she's struggling

NewLife4Me Tue 22-Dec-15 22:12:28

OP, please have the names removed from your thread.
Just report.

devonruth Tue 22-Dec-15 22:13:05

ProfessorPickles thank you for your support! Im so glad you can see my frustrations.
I feel sorry for her having a toddler when she has a bad back etc but she knew all this before getting pregnant.
Completely agree that there's nothing wrong with going out for a drink but when I get judged its a bit hypocritical.
I text her to let her know I had graduated university with a 2:1 and wondered if she wanted to come to the celebration meal, but she said I was just bragging that i'm better than her! I definitely do not think i'm better than anyone.
Kudos to her for having another child later on in life, but to do jealous and bitter things just is not right

ProfessorPickles Tue 22-Dec-15 22:13:13

Breast feeding being unnatural has blown my mind, it couldn't be more natural. It sounds like it sums her up perfectly! Based on what you've said I am inclined to agree she sounds like a teenager, she sounds like anything you do she doesn't agree with it and prefers the opposite.

Yes it must be difficult having a little one at her age, but you have a child the same age and will be equally as busy. It sounds like she has the support she needs as she's finding time to enjoy herself so personally I'd leave her to it

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