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Is it reasonable to not want further contact with these family members?

(8 Posts)
KatDubs261 Sat 21-Nov-15 15:53:50

Every second Christmas for my entire life (I'm 23) my family and I have spent Christmas with my uncle (mother's brother) and his family. I love my cousins but my aunt is a different kettle of fish. She was always a snob and my family didn't like her, but accepted her as the wife my uncle had obviously chosen.

She has often put us up in her house during festive events but I have never bonded with this woman. She used to stare at me throughout every mealtime (her own daughter had eating problems) & never really spoke to me. She has also often attacked my grandmother. The truth is I never really wanted to go, but as the child had no choice but to go along with it. She barely visited us in the meantime, there is nothing wrong with where we live, but as I say she is a snob and often picked holes with the set up.

Now, despite this everyone has got on quite well. But since my grandparents got sick (my grandfather died two years ago) the relationship between my mother and her brother has deteriorated. He refuses to accept his share of caring for his mother and my own mother does nearly everything. She recently got signed off work & is close to having a complete meltdown. My grandmother (her mother) has dementia and the condition is worsening.

Recently, we visited these relatives for a party. Once there my mother & I were told we'd be sharing a bed because space was tight - my mother is a terrible snorer and I got between 3 - 4 hours sleep. We got up for breakfast around 11 & my aunt disappeared out of the house without communication with us around the time we were due to leave to catch a train. Furthermore, she did not speak to us throughout the party or introduce us to her friends/other guests (we did ourselves of course). This aunt has now taken it upon herself to write my stressed mother a letter. She expressed anger for us not saying goodbye, demanded "respect" and asked my mother why she "thinks it is okay" to get up late. My mother is a carer - she's exhausted!!

I myself wrote a letter for my uncle begging for help with his mother for my own mother's sake. This aunt has a sickly mother too - but they are rolling in cash and therefore she pays other people to look after her.

My mother is agonising over what to do in response and I no longer have time for any of them. But I just want to do right by my gran. You know the quote "Go where you're celebrated, not tolerated"? That's how I feel here.

KatDubs261 Sat 21-Nov-15 15:54:51

Furthermore, I asked my uncle (aunt's husband) the night previously if breakfast was at a specific time and he completely laughed it off. Everyone was clearly knackered and quite drunk.

And yet afterwards his wife takes offence and writes an angry letter for not being up in time...

lljkk Sat 21-Nov-15 16:16:47

You can't win no matter what you do. sad

lljkk Sat 21-Nov-15 16:17:20

... but don't do anything in haste. Wait until you aren't feeling upset before making any decisions.

Wolfie2 Sat 21-Nov-15 16:39:08

I'd love to hear your aunts side of this.

Wolfie2 Sat 21-Nov-15 16:39:32

What do you think your aunt feels?

KatDubs261 Sat 21-Nov-15 16:41:59

Her side is that she does all the cooking and cleaning during these events and her husband (my uncle) doesn't help out very much with this. That is an issue she has with him and has nothing to do with my mother.

My mother asked if my grandmother could stay with uncle for a week because she looks after her 24/7 the rest of the time, to give her some respite. In the letter my aunt said she doesn't want anyone to stay in her house for a week, no matter who it is...

KatDubs261 Sat 21-Nov-15 16:45:30

She doesn't like my grandmother and I know she views her as a burden. About a year ago my uncle actually described another elderly member of their family as a "burden".

There have been a lot of communication problems between my mum and uncle (because there is so much resentment between them re caring for their mother). I believe my uncle is failing to communicate things to my aunt too. But saying that my mother has no "respect" for her when she didn't once say "how are you" or even try to sit and talk to us, is laughable. She was upset about the fact my grandmother was going to be staying with them for a week - I am certain that was why she was icy with us during the party.

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