Asked for space but not getting it

(189 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

YarnOver Mon 03-May-21 09:15:57

Ive NC and won't give the details as it would be very outing (never know they might read it, doubt it but....)
I have two friends who I need to leave me alone. I have explained my reasons many times and I have very clearly (and kindly) asked for space. Every time it is ignored and the messages keep coming. It's getting very upsetting because I feel I am being disrespected over and over again by people who tell me that I mean so much to them.
I would love to block but they would turn up at my house or contact DH (they've done both before ).
My requests for space have been ignored for months. I don't know what to do but I need the messages to stop.
It's been going on so long and my requests have been ignored for so long I don't feel I wish to carry on with the friendships .
The other friends & my DH who have spoken to about this agree with me it's disrespectful and needs to stop (so it's not just me being a bitch - the friends and DH would tell me if I was being one for sure!)and so I don't know what to do. Help?

OP’s posts: |
WallaceinAnderland Mon 03-May-21 09:19:52

Do you ignore the messages?

YarnOver Mon 03-May-21 09:21:57

Yes I do, they keep coming and then I get asked eventually why I'm not replying. At which point I point out yet again, that I've asked for space and still need it. And repeat.

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Mon 03-May-21 09:24:27

Just block them, tell them you will be in touch when you are ready?

YarnOver Mon 03-May-21 09:25:00

I absolutely want to do that but if I block them they will 100% turn up at my house.

OP’s posts: |
Howshouldibehave Mon 03-May-21 09:25:02

Why does it matter if they contact your DH, if he is fully supportive?
What have you actually said to the friends-it Doesn’t seem like they understand what you want.

Ragwort Mon 03-May-21 09:25:12

Perhaps you need to be a lot more assertive, asking for 'space' seems rather wishy washy.

Make it absolutely clear ' I am sorry if this appears blunt but I do not want to hear or see you for three months (insert suitable time frame), I will get in touch with you when it is appropriate'.

Why are they so pushy, maybe they be concerned about you?

SimonedeBeauvoirscat Mon 03-May-21 09:25:49

This sounds very odd. Do they have mental health problems or some other reason why they are unable to respect boundaries? Do they want something specific from you?

I would just mute them and if they turned up I’d ask them to leave. But to be honest I don’t see how you can maintain a friendship with someone who behaves this inappropriately.

RandomMess Mon 03-May-21 09:26:46

That's why you tell them not to come and you will be in touch in a fair few months when you are ready.

YarnOver Mon 03-May-21 09:30:17

SimonedeBeauvoirscat

This sounds very odd. Do they have mental health problems or some other reason why they are unable to respect boundaries? Do they want something specific from you?

I would just mute them and if they turned up I’d ask them to leave. But to be honest I don’t see how you can maintain a friendship with someone who behaves this inappropriately.

This is the point. It's been going on so long I don't want the friendships, so it isn't a matter of... I'll message asking for a certain amount of time...because it's been so disrespectful that I don't want it to continue at all.

It matters to me that they would contact DH, because when it happened before he and I asked for that not to happen. They contacted DH after I had actually spoken to them because it seems they didn't think I had answers their questions satisfactorily.

They are concerned about me yes. The details would be too outing... but I have explained everything that is going on very fully, along with why I don't want to talk now. I have been very clear about everything but it just keeps happening.

OP’s posts: |
SimonedeBeauvoirscat Mon 03-May-21 09:31:42

So if you don’t want the friendship to continue just block them and if they turn up then ask them to leave ... ? I’m not clear what the problem is?

YarnOver Mon 03-May-21 09:33:00

SimonedeBeauvoirscat

So if you don’t want the friendship to continue just block them and if they turn up then ask them to leave ... ? I’m not clear what the problem is?

I don't think I'm brave enough to just cut everything off and deal with the fallout! I don't want to upset people but it seems that in trying not to upset people...then I'm the one getting upset.

OP’s posts: |
Starstruck2021 Mon 03-May-21 09:34:28

Maybe asking for ‘space’ is confusing. If you want to end the friendship, tell them so.

RandomMess Mon 03-May-21 09:34:36

Block them, DH block them and find out the steps to get a restraining order so if it comes needed you have the evidence to apply.

Perhaps your DH mess to basically tell them to "f*ck off and leave you all alone"?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-May-21 09:34:57

What "fallout" would you actually get if you cut these people out?.

Being a people pleaser here stems from low self worth and does you no favours either; it only causes you problems in both your relationships and life.

WallaceinAnderland Mon 03-May-21 09:35:33

YarnOver

Yes I do, they keep coming and then I get asked eventually why I'm not replying. At which point I point out yet again, that I've asked for space and still need it. And repeat.

Well this why they keep doing it. If you are NC, you don't reply.

romdowa Mon 03-May-21 09:35:40

Just tell them to go away and stop bothering you . If they turn up at your house then contact the police. These people are harassing you

YarnOver Mon 03-May-21 09:37:05

AttilaTheMeerkat

What "fallout" would you actually get if you cut these people out?.

Being a people pleaser here stems from low self worth and does you no favours either; it only causes you problems in both your relationships and life.

Well I'd upset them... They are actually very nice people. Very caring. Well that's what I thought but I don't know how much they can care for me if they've absolutely not listened to anything I want.
I would hurt them if I said I didn't want the friendship and I guess I'm scared of doing that. That's my problem though, I know

OP’s posts: |
SimonedeBeauvoirscat Mon 03-May-21 09:38:25

Is it that they think your H is abusing you and they are trying to ‘rescue’ you / encourage you to leave ? I’m trying to imagine what else it could possibly be!

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-May-21 09:39:45

They certainly like to give the impression to outsiders that they are caring but they are really not what they seem.

They are not caring for you if they keep on ignoring and or otherwise trampling all over your boundaries. Such people only care for their own selves and have their own agenda, not other people. Its not a friendship you have at all; its merely these two people using you for their own amusement.

YarnOver Mon 03-May-21 09:39:54

SimonedeBeauvoirscat

Is it that they think your H is abusing you and they are trying to ‘rescue’ you / encourage you to leave ? I’m trying to imagine what else it could possibly be!

No not at all! I'm absolutely safe, lovely DH happy marriage.

OP’s posts: |
YarnOver Mon 03-May-21 09:41:14

AttilaTheMeerkat

They certainly like to give the impression to outsiders that they are caring but they are really not what they seem.

They are not caring for you if they keep on ignoring and or otherwise trampling all over your boundaries. Such people only care for their own selves and have their own agenda, not other people. Its not a friendship you have at all; its merely these two people using you for their own amusement.

It is this. Because when they're trying to explain how much they care ...it seems to be all about how they feel about my situation. I've explained how I feel about my situation and how they are not helping...but they just keep on going on.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Mon 03-May-21 09:41:28

If you’ve name changed what would it matter if it was outing? It’s not linking to anyone else you’ve put on here. Be vague if you want to but you say they’re nice people who you like and who you don’t wish to hurt. The only time I’d consider contacting someone’s husband if they ignored my messages and turning up at their house is if I was really properly worried about them and thought they weren’t safe.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 03-May-21 09:42:20

Are you ill?

ThePontiacBandit Mon 03-May-21 09:42:22

How are they contacting you? Text, Facebook, WhatsApp? If you’re not prepared to block them, I agree you should probably just mute them if possible. If you can’t mute (eg texts) then you’re going to have block them; to get your DH on board, get him to block them too and ignore if they come round. I think you need to say outright as well that the friendship has run its course, asking for space is vague and they’re clearly not respecting it.

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